The Hunt for Good Wood
[Amanda, as Marge] I had a dream last night that I was with Sara again. We were holding hands and walking home, but it was cold and snowy. Must have been Irrisen messing with my mind, but oh how I wish the dream didn't end. I miss Sara so much, and I miss Normie so much; I just had to see their faces again, and with my new banner I'll get to see them every day, but why did they have to leave me? Norm was supposed to be here with me in this terrible place. Well, it seems like he still is around, but he completely ignored me! I was standing right there. If he came to see anyone, it should have been me. I mean, can ya believe that? Goin' to Bolka. After everything we've been through together! And- And no one here has magic powerful enough to bring him back! But once I find someone who can, he's gonna get a piece of my mind, that's for sure! I mean, how dare he talk me into going through that darn portal to another world, then go get himself killed, leaving me alone with these humans I barely know. Now Vasilisa is telling me my new role is being a two-faced courtesan. Well, I don't quite know what a 'courtesan' means, but two-face? I've been so nice and helpful to everyone. Now because of those stupid cards I'm being looked at suspiciously while Mister Valdeen is being looked at like a savior or somethin'. What makes him so important? I don't even know why we're paying attention to those cards to begin with; they seem to be nothin' but trouble. All of this is just so frustratin'. Sometimes I just want to scream and yell at everyone and everythin'. Oh, but don't worry. I'll keep being nice, just like I always do.
[Music: opening theme plays (“Jelly Castle (orchestral remix)” by MDK Music)]
[David, laughing] Oh, wow!
[Zac, laughing] Whew!
[James] Fuck, Marge.
[David] That was amazing!
[Zac] She's- She's right about a lot of that.
[David] Those cards are not to be trusted.
[James] End of last episode, we finally sat down and had our Book Two Harrow reading, full of interesting tidbits and tiddly twos and stuff
[James] Oh, no; it was good! It was great! I loved-
[Elizabeth] It was just full of tits
[James] It was so full of tits.
[Elizabeth, laughing] Anyway
[James] It was great! It was a wonderful card reading. We got to get some new role cards for everybody. It's- It's gonna be an interesting time.
[Zac] So, how many people here at the table in real life have either done or received a Tarot reading?
[Zac] Just the three of us? Okay
[David] I have not
[Amanda] Well, I mean, I think for fun once in high school when there was a bunch of girls in a hotel because we had for choir gone to Grand Canyon for university somethin-or-other
[Zac] What were you wearing?
[David] Yeah. Tell- Sounds like there's more to this story
[Zac] So, a bunch of girls in this hotel...?
[David] We're getting off-track
[James] I mean, to be fair, you said 'has ever happened once.' You didn't raise your hand and then you're like 'well, one time I did, but I don't think it counts because it was only one time...'
[Amanda] Well, I don't think it was a real Tarot reading, is- was what I'm-
[James] Are any of them real?
[Zac] They're not- Yes, that's-
[Amanda] That is true. That is true. That is true.
[Zac] -a distinction without a difference.
[Amanda and Zac laugh]
[Elizabeth] I mean, I've only done and I'm counting it. I don't-
[David] Um, I guess I'm the only one who hasn't.
[Amanda] I mean, I really don't consider myself to have gotten a Tarot reading, to be honest.
[Amanda] Without, yeah...
[James] So, at the end of last session, we finished with a wonderful Harrow reading. We have some new card assignments. We have a new perspective for the past, which is The Publican, The Teamster, and The Bear; the present, which is The Paladin, The Midwife, and The Betrayal; and the future, which is The Unicorn, The Inquisitor, and The Snakebite.
[Zac] That means David's going to survive.
[Elizabeth] I mean-
[Zac] You'll- You're in the future. You're literally in the future
[Elizabeth] It's one of the possibilities
[David] I could be dead in the future, even though I'm there
[James] Or maybe something David does to die, like he dies and ensures your guys's future.
[Elizabeth] Marge did say he's our savior, so [laughs]
[Elizabeth] I twisted your words; I apologize
[Amanda, laughing, as Marge] Wait, what? That's not what I said!
[David, Amanda and Elizabeth laugh]
[James] Okay, so-
[James] -we also have the results to go over from the combined Harrowing spell that Vasilisa cast during the actual Harrow reading, um, which we calculated off mic, and it's fucking cool. Elizabeth , do you want to tell us about that?
[Elizabeth] Alright, so the Harrowing spell is quite possibly one of the most complicated spells in the game of Pathfinder that I have come across.
[Zac] That's saying something.
[David] It sounds like a harrowing experience
[Elizabeth] Oh! It is aptly named!
[Zac] Oh, god. [groans]
[Elizabeth] 10 minutes-
[Zac continues to groan]
[David laughs, Amanda starts laughing, too]
[James] Just looking at Zac [Zac starts laughing; James continues] I can see him thinking 'I want to cut it, but should I cut it?'
[David] We can cut it. It's okay.
[Elizabeth] -'but should I cut-'? Look. You gotta make the 'harrowing' joke at least once
[Zac, in Bolka's voice] I mean, respect for comedy is one thing, but...
[Zac, continuing in Bolka's voice] Some jokes are not meant to be told.
[David] Bolka would not approve
[Zac, laughing] No, he probably would, actually
[David, laughing] Okay
[Zac] That's a very Bolka joke
[Elizabeth] It's a complicated spell, first because you have to keep track of it for a full day per level. So, that is five days.
[James] That's a lot
[Elizabeth] Or, until-
[James] And it's only gonna get worse as you level up
[Elizabeth] -the event that you had in mind when you did the Harrow reading as you cast the spell is accomplished.
[Elizabeth] So, you need to keep track of both of those things.
[Elizabeth] And you have to keep track of all nine cards from the Harrow spread, look at the suit of each card and the alignment associated with each card--each suit of the Harrow is associated with an ability score- The spell is so complicated, we'll never be done explaining
[James] It kind of feels that way, doesn't it?
[Elizabeth] So, for the next five days or until we successfully get into Whitethrone, whichever comes first, Vasilisa will get plus one on a will save, plus two on a fortitude save, plus two on an attack roll, plus one on an attack roll, plus one on a different will save, plus one on any d20 roll--she got that one twice--and plus one on any skill check. Again, she got that one twice.
[Zac] So, is this like the vest of many items that we got, where it's like-
[Zac] -you can pick any one of those on whenever you want?
[Elizabeth] So much to track!
[James] Well, unfortunately, we do know that it is not going to be the completion of the task you have laid before you that ends the spell because, um, as soon as the Harrow reading is over, you guys look over and you see Kapa and Gary over at a table and they have laid out in front of them a map of the local area
[James] and Kapa has taken a- a compass and a charcoal pen and has kind of laid out the map.
[Zac] She's such a great NPC.
[James] She's wonderful; she does so much work.
[Zac] She does. She does a lot of the heavy lifting; it's awesome.
[James, as Kapa] So, it looks like it will be about a nine day journey, um, to get to Whitethrone. Uh, it'll be about the six days to get to Ellsprin, so then, Ellsprin in six days and then three more days and we get you to Whitethrone. Um, and once we get to Ellsprin, we will have a better idea of how to get into Whitethrone. And this is the path we are going to take. It's a good path. It takes, uh, some roads. Um, should be fun.
[David, as Valdeen] What- What kind of dangers can we expect on the road? What do we need to prepare for?
[Zac, as Bolka] Oh, it's a good- good question.
[James, as Kapa] Uh, you should be prepared for spooky winter things.
[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] Oh
[David, as Valdeen] Okay, and-
[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] Great. So helpful.
[James, as Kapa] Spooky animals and spooky fairy men. Irrisen is full of terrible surprises.
[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] Are there trolls? I like to burn trolls.
[James, as Kapa] There might be trolls.
[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] Okay
[James, as Kapa] I have encountered several trolls on my journeys
[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] I hate them
[James, as Kapa] as you-
[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] They are so big and ugly, aren't they?
[James, as Kapa] -know. Uh-
[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] I've noticed I have fewer berries than I should left from my garden in Heldren. I don't know who's been sneaking berries out of my pouch, but you could stop now.
[Zac, as Bolka] Yes; it was you.
[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] What?
[Zac, as Bolka, chuckling] I mean, yes; it was you.
[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] Why would I eat the berries I specifically brought to turn into goodberries in Irrisen, where no berries are growing?
[Zac, as Bolka] Because you were not thinking properly? Everyone was not thinking properly at the time.
[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] Alright. We are going to need to do better at keeping us not from what happened yesterday, okay
[Zac, as Bolka] Absolutely agree.
[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] But-
[David, as Valdeen] Yeah
[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] I can turn more of these berries into goodberries, which will help supplement our rations on the road.
[Amanda, as Marge] Well, they seemed to come in handy before, for sure.
[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] Yes
[James, as Kapa] I do not know what all you need to do, but you all still look a little bit tired. No offense, but you all should probably take another day or maybe two or seven, just like breathe and stuff because you all seem very like- like you are- you are up here and- and I think you guys would function better like down here
[Zac, as Bolka] Yes. No, we are--as a group, we are all, as you say, bedraggled.
[James, as Kapa] Yes, yes, you are. You all seem very ah! [stressed sound] and I think you all should be more like ah [relaxed sound]. You know? Like, yeah, is stressful out there today and it will be, but you all need to breathe, please.
[Amanda, as Kapa] Well, ye- but we need to get going, ya know. We've got things to do! We- I want to get this done so we can all go home
[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] We have a little bit of an impetus upon us, magically, to post haste, but also it could be like when we went to Heldren to get supplies. Technically, wrong direction, but correct forward action.
[Zac, as Bolka] Yes. When you explain to me about the- the curse that I am now involved with, you said that-
[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] Yes, mhm
[Zac, as Bolka] -we- we could do things as long as they were for the final main goal of like com- completing our task.
[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] Yes. We must have our heart in the correct place: hurrying to help Baba Yaga as efficiently as we can. [loud thud] Kapa's kids are being very loud in the corner of the hovel just now.
[James, as one of Kapa's children] Sorry, Mom!
[James, as Kapa] It is okay, children! Just be good!
[James, as one of Kapa's children] Okay!
[Zac, as Bolka] Or the winter witch will cast very bad, most complicated Paizo spell ever on you!
[Amanda and David laugh]
[James, as one of Kapa's kids] Oh no! Not that!
[Zac, as Bolka] You will need so many cheat sheets and three by five cards!
[James, as one of Kapa's kids] Please, no! I hate taking notes!
[Zac, as Bolka] You will take so many notes
[James, as one of Kapa's kids] Nooo!
[James, as Kapa] So, I do not know when you all want to go. Uh, Gary and I are, of course, ready and so are the boys, uh, but you all need to do whatever you need to do. Just let us know and we will, uh, prepare bags and stuff when the time comes for us to get a-moseyin'. If that is the correct term.
[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] I think tomorrow at the earliest.
[James, as Kapa] And w- we will want to leave early and we will walk most of day, and then we have time to set up camp and-
[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] Unfortunately, Kapa does not have anything in town to go back for because they burnt the house to the ground, it looked like. Uh, do you think they have gotten around to burning Bolka's house, yet? They're definitely going to burn Bolka's house, though, and the chapel, for sure.
[David, as Valdeen] Oh
[James, as Kapa] I do not know if they will burn the chapel
[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] Oh, they definitely know that Bolka was the one at the tower saying 'I am Bolka from Waldsby, everyone run!' I'm pretty sure they called him by name as they said 'we will find you and murder you!' Volan, right? The guard? Was yelling quite a lot.
[Zac, as Bolka] Uh, he was going to wipe- wipe his excrement with my beard, I believe?
[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] Yeah. I believe he also said something about beating you with your own body.
[Zac, as Bolka] Is not important, though; he will not get chance. I mean, is not like-
[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] That's true
[Zac, as Bolka] -I'm going to see him again anytime soon
[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] Very true! Because none of us are going back to Waldsby ever again.
[James, as Kapa] I mean, I am not going back to Waldsby. I don't- All of my stuff is gone. But Bolka, you have- you still have things in- in the chapel. Don't- Don't you want to retrieve them?
[Zac, as Bolka] I live- I mean, Bolka provides everything I need. I live a very meager life to begin with. I mostly am trying to help others. Um, so-
[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] I'm very glad I am not named after a deity because it would be most awkward. Is it awkward sometimes, Bolka? Do you feel a little like 'oh, I must sound quite conceited right now; I just said I provide everything for myself'
[Zac, as Bolka] Oh, no! I mean, I think you understand; you know that I do not know that I know that I think that I provide everything. I'm just a man
[James, as Kapa] I- I do not know enough Common to have followed that.
[Zac and Amanda laugh]
[David, as Valdeen] I know Common and I didn't follow that, either. That's okay.
[James, Zac, and Amanda laugh]
[Zac, as Bolka] No, the goddess provides and I- I do not have much at my place. The only item I actually forgot that I care about would be the skull of my mother, but-
[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] Did you kill your mother?
[Zac, as Bolka] Oh, no
[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] I have always dreamt of such- oh. Never- Okay
[Zac, as Bolka] No; my mother was-
[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] No one wants to commit matricide in this room
[David, as Valdeen] Well
[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] Definitely. Okay.
[Zac, as Bolka] I believe my mother was very different from what you have told me from your mother.
[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] Oh. That is good for you, yes. Okay. [laughs] No one wants to kill moms. We all love our moms. [describes] Vasilisa's looking between Marge and Kapa
[David, as Valdeen] Vasilisa-
[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] Moms are great.
[David, as Valdeen] Vasilisa, you seem a little on edge today. Are you okay?
[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] Look, I-
[David, as Valdeen] I mean, more than everyone else is already on edge.
[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] I think I am a little thrown off because I don't like not remembering things
[David, as Valdeen] Ah
[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] and I don't remember how we got here, still, and part of me is a little convinced you are all in the illusion and that I will wake up and a White Witch will laugh at me and say 'oh-ho! You thought you could infiltrate my tower and stop my spell? Fuck you!' and then I will die. So. That's-
[David, as Valdeen] I could see how that would make you uncomfortable.
[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] No worries. I am fine, though.
[David, as Valdeen] Yeah
[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] No, I'm fine.
[James, as Kapa] That sounds most terrible
[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] I am fine. No, it's- I occasionally stop and think 'Is it an illusion?' Marge!
[Amanda, as Marge] Well, see. No, see, I'm not an illusion.
[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] Oh-
[Amanda, as Marge] You felt that, right? I pulled your hair there.
[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] Yeah, I felt it.
[Zac and David laugh]
[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] I did. And, uh, maybe I am being tortured in my real body somewhere.
[David, as Valdeen] You know, there's nothing an illusion could tell you that would convince you it's not an illusion, so we can't really engage in this conversation with you. You just need to get over it.
[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] That is true. It is a little bit too philosophical at some point
[Zac, as Bolka] But if it was true or not true, how would you behave differently?
[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] I wouldn't tell you to- I mean, if I knew it was an illusion, then-
[David, as Valdeen] That's a good point, Bolka
[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] -I wouldn't tell them key things, like where exactly this hideout we are in is, for example. In case they did not catch all of my companions and I maybe secretly actually gave them the information to find the hideout. Maybe that is why I do not remember getting here, is because my mind knew to protect the location of the hideout from the witch that is trying to trick me.
[James] And at this point Vrixx kind of just flies over and he takes the cup of coffee that he set in front of Vasilisa and he just like slowly moves it away from her.
[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] I was not done with- Oh
[James, as Vrixx] No, no, no. You're cut off. That's, uh-
[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] Did you poison my coffee-
[James, as Vrixx] No.
[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] -and you have regret?
[James, as Vrixx] No.
[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] I did not prepare it today-
[Zac] No regret
[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] -but tomorrow I can detect poison, you know.
[James, as Vrixx, sounding upset] You do that, and I won't feel hurt by it at all.
[Amanda, laughing] Oh
[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] I'm going to just take my cards and these scrolls, and I am going to see it over there and I am going to burn these scrolls, but in a way to add them to my familiar. Please do not bother me; it will take, I am pretty sure, all day. Very powerful magic happening. No one disturb. [describes] and Vasilisa goes off into a corner.
[David, as Valdeen] That's probably for the best.
[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] I did not hear that, Valdeen. I'm too busy over here.
[Zac and Amanda laugh]
[David, as Valdeen] Good.
[James, as Kapa] Uh, so who do you- who do you want to send the message to? I- We could, uh- The message would probably be small enough, we could convince Vrixx to fly into town and deliver it for you.
[Zac, as Bolka] Eh, or if Vrixx does not want to, or if we do not completely trust Vrixx, uh, we could always- I believe we have a token. Do we not have feather token?
[David, as Valdeen] Sounds familiar. Um-
[Elizabeth] Vasilisa has it
[David, as Valdeen] I don't think I have it
[Elizabeth] I'm sorry, guys
[Zac and Amanda laugh]
[Amanda] I'm like [as Marge] Uh, I'm not quite sure what you're talking about I mean
[Elizabeth] I mean, at least I have one.
[James] Bolka, you do remember finding a feather token.
[Zac, as Bolka] See! I thought so
[James] You're not sure who has it, but you remember finding one.
[Zac, as Bolka] Yes. I thought we had some way of sending message.
[David, as Valdeen] That's one of those magic notes, right?
[Zac, as Bolka] Yeah, it like turns into a bird and then the bird can like fly with the message.
[Elizabeth] So, someone might have to hassle Vasilisa to give them the token.
[Zac, as Bolka] Yes. I mean, unless we trust Vrixx. We could just send Vrixx, but, uh-
[David, as Valdeen] Well, who do you need to get in contact with?
[Zac, as Bolka] I mean, I don't need necessarily- I just- It'd be nice to let people know, like, that I am okay and maybe tell Verana, like, I am sorry. I hope- I hope that her daughter's boyfriend, Arr Overby, is not one of the ones that got set on fire.
[Elizabeth] Oh [laughs]
[Zac, as Bolka] You know. And Rusilka; I would like to say thank you to Rusilka for, you know, doing my hair every day. Oh, I have no idea what is going to happen to my hair now that I am away from her.
[Amanda, as Marge] Oh, I can help you out there, you know. I had lots of kiddos, lots of girls.
[Zac, as Bolka] Do you do- You know how to do braids? Like, um-
[Amanda, as Marge] Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Have you heard of, uh, this- is like a french braid? Could you do something like that? Do you know what that is?
[Amanda, as Marge] I- You know, I'm not sure but I- I could probably figure something out.
[James, as Hatch] What is it? Uh, what's a 'french'?
[Zac, as Bolka] It's like when you braid the braid, you know; it's like-
[James, as Hatch] Oh
[Zac, as Bolka] 'yo, dog; I heard you like braids, so I braided your braids'
[Amanda and David laugh]
[Zac, as Bolka] Is very much- Is very much that style?
[James, as Hatch] Okay. Okay. Uh-
[Amanda, as Marge] Oh, I didn't know dogs had braids.
[James, as Hatch] No, I mean, dogs around here have really long, thick fur, so-
[Amanda, as Marge] Oh, you know, I guess that makes sense. We don't have long-haired dogs back in uh Taldor
[James, as Hatch] Oh, no! How do you- How do you snuggle them? If they don't have hair?
[Amanda, as Marge] Well, no; they have hair. They just don't have really long hair
[James, as Hatch] Ohh
[Amanda, as Marge] And they have short- because it's much warmer where we're at.
[James, as Hatch] Uh-huh. Do you think- Do you think I have--if I lived in Taldor--I'd have shorter hair?
[Amanda, as Marge] Oh, I don't know. Maybe?
[James, as Hatch] Because I kind of like my hair. I think it's, I don't know, I feel like I got a lot going on for me with it.
[Zac, as Bolka] It's possibly his choice. Like, if you-
[David, as Valdeen] Yeah, hair- hair-
[Zac, as Bolka] -if you brush a lot, that maybe you could lose some of it, but if you do not want to lose it, you could probably keep it.
[James, as Hatch] Do you guys think I'm too fat?
[Zac, as Bolka] No. I have seen how-
[David, as Valdeen] Can't really tell, actually
[Zac, as Bolka] I have seen you turn into like skinny like pencil. You have-
[James, as Hatch] Yes
[Zac, as Bolka] Is all muscle mass. I know is like-
[James, as Hatch] Yes, yeah
[Zac, as Bolka] -point 1 percent.
[James, as Hatch] Yeah
[Amanda, as Marge] You know, I could practice and you can tell me if I'm doin' it right or not.
[Zac, as Bolka] Oh, yes. I mean, anything would be improvement. I cannot, you know- I can do my beard--I can see, I can do my beard, easy--but when I cannot see, I cannot work, so. Is better than nothing, no matter what, even if you do poor job, is good.
[Amanda, as Marge] Well, yeah. I can kind of see how it goes just by lookin' at it. Maybe if I took it apart, you know; I know it's kind of messy, but if I kind of took it apart, I might be able to figure out how it goes, you know, the doing it to begin with.
[Zac, as Bolka] Is not. It is not the same way, like Rusilka would do different, you know, different, uh, style every day, just kind of like whatever she was feeling like. Is not one Bolka style that I always must have.
[Amanda, as Marge] Well, that's no problem, then because I used to do all different kinds of styles with the kiddos.
[Zac, as Bolka] Just, how- Do what your heart tells you. Is good. Yes. I mean, even just to get word to Verana and Rusilka, like, that I am okay, that- that, uh, that Arbagazor is- is okay. Like, let them know, kind of, so they do not have to worry.
[James, as Kapa] Yes. That, uh, that is probably a good idea. I don't think anybody really knows what happened to Arbagazor, and now I am gone, too, and the boys, and it'd probably be a good idea to just let everyone know that we are okay. Or should I be dead? Do you think I should be dead? Should I be dead? Is it safer to be dead?
[Zac, as Bolka] Oh, that's a good questions.
[James, as Kapa] It's probably safer to be dead.
[Zac, as Bolka] Where do you plan to go? I mean, do you plan on like trying to stay in Whitethrone?
[James, as Kapa] Ah, I do not know about Whitethrone. Uh, Whitethrone is very much a big, uh, more scary place than I think is- is what my boys deserve, but uh we may- we may stay in Ellsprin. It is a place where we have some family.
[Zac, as Bolka] There may be people in Ellsprin already playing same game as you and- and saying they are dead, when really they are in Ellsprin. You'll probably be in good company.
[James, as Kapa] Yes. I- I believe I will find, uh, good- good friends there.
[David, as Valdeen] Yeah, it's a good place to lay low, as they say.
[Zac, as Bolka] Yes.
[Amanda, as Marge] Are you worried about, you know, anybody getting their hands on that note?
[Zac, as Bolka] Yes. I guess I will not give specifics or details, just that I am fine and alive and watch your six?
[David, as Valdeen] Oh, that sounds like good advice.
[Elizabeth, laughing] I'm sorry. I'm picturing the person in Waldsby reading the note and just looking up at the clock tower, at the six. [James chuckles, Elizabeth continues] Did Bolka put something up there?
[Amanda and Zac laugh]
[David] They have a whole ritual- They have a whole ritual about six o'clock now, from now on. Watch your six
[Zac, in Bolka's voice] It's always 12:10.
[Amanda and David laugh]
[Zac] Also, meta: what is that about? Why did the clock stop at 12:10?
[David] Oh, in both- in both cities?
[James hums the Twilight Zone theme]
[Zac] Hmmm...Out of all the times-
[Elizabeth] Could it be a sign about a date? Is it Kuthona the 10th?
[David] That's right; we don't actually know why that's the case. Hmm
[Elizabeth] We don't
[James] Yeah, and you never will!
[David] Until the end of the adventure path!
[Zac] The teachings of Kuthon. Wise, wise Zon Kuth-oon.
[Amanda] or Zon Kuthon. I like Zon Kuth-oon
[Zac] Zon Kuthon-song
[James] So, Bolka, you're- Are you gonna construct this note and Marge is gonna do your hair and Vasilisa is gonna burn some scrolls and-? Right?
[Zac and Amanda] Yeah
[David] And Valdeen-
[Zac] That sounds-
[James] Am I following along so far?
[Zac] That sounds good.
[James] What's Valdeen gonna do?
[David] I'm going to go outside and collect some firewood.
[James] Uh, roll me a perception check.
[James] Cool. Marigold's out of water.
[David] I pet Marigold's head. Tell her she's a good donkey.
[Zac] But give her no water
[James, as Marigold] Hello tall man. Thank you. I don't suppose I could get some more delectable water, could I? [hee-haws]
[David, as Valdeen] Marigold, seems like you're out of water, here. Let me get you some- some fresh water. You're a good donkey.
[James, as Marigold] Yes
[David] And I give her- give her more pets.
[James, as Marigold] Yes. I am a good girl.
[David] and I talk to the donkey just like as if she can understand me
[James, as Marigold] Ah, if only I knew what you were saying, tall person. [Amanda laughs; James continues as Marigold] I bet it's wonderful and poetic.
[Amanda, Elizabeth and David laugh]
[David, as Valdeen] You have no idea.
[James, Elizabeth, and Amanda laugh]
[James] Give me a survival check
[Zac, laughing] Spill the water everywhere!
[James] You find some small sticks.
[David, as Valdeen] Well, this is hardly gonna do. [describes] I pile them up next to the entrance, and then I- I want to go look for more wood.
[James] Give me another survival check.
[die rolls, more loudly than usual]
[David] That's a very cracked die!
[James] Yeah, no shit
[David] It bounced off the microphone. It's a 10 again.
[James] A couple more sticks.
[David] Can I take 10?
[James] Roll a 1d4, and that's how many hours it's going to take you to find good wood.
[James] Two hours to find a very sizable amount of firewood
[David] Valdeen seeks out some good wood
[Zac] Episode title
[James] Valdeen gets wood
[David] It's what James said; I'm just going off what the DM told me.
[James] So, a couple hours later, uh, Marge: what hairstyle have you decided on for Bolka?
[Amanda] Well, she's- she's pulled the sides back into braids, ya know. Each side has got its own braid, and then they meet in the middle and they kind of create a little man bun.
[Zac] Oh god
[Elizabeth, laughing] Yes! Yes
[Amanda] Well, you know, it's still long in the back, but you know, it comes together--part of, just the sides of it--comes together with the braids and then a bun and yeah
[Elizabeth] Gotta keep it off your face
[Amanda, as Marge] Oh, this will keep it out of your face, yeah
[Zac, as Bolka] Is like business on top and party in back and serious contemplation on sides. I like! I like
[Amanda, as Marge] There ya go
[David and Amanda laugh]
[James] and how's Bolka's letter going? What's he feeling right now? Because he's been in Waldsby for a hot minute.
[Zac] Yes, but while he was in Waldsby--a lot of the time he was in Waldsby--he was like repressing this feeling that he was supposed to be doing something else. He was like kind of forcing himself to- to settle and be- be content with just helping this small town. So, that's actually lifting off of him a little bit as he sees how deep this is
[James] Yeah. So, is he- is he getting some energy from this, then? Like, is he starting to kind of ramp himself up? Or is it contented dread?
[Zac] He- he's getting excited, he's getting pumped because he feels it's going along like in tandem with feeling more connected to the goddess, and like, he's like, oh, this is what you wanted me to do. Okay, cool. Now I can, like, I can serve you better by doing this bigger thing.
[Zac] I mean, he's not a zealot, but he's feeling- he's feeling more zealous about his religion [laughs]
[James] That's awesome
[Zac] But, yeah, a little more energy, and he's- he's excited to be doing something bigger than, you know, just performing services and being a counselor to people that are, you know, sometimes kind of shitty. Like, it was- There was some Jerry Springer stuff going on in that town that he was a little bit--He was helpful, but he was felt above it.
[James] Yeah. Um, so during this- this time and everything, Valdeen's gone for about two hours, but like an- an hour or two passes and then I think Vrixx is going around and he's passing out like little crumpets and stuff, little like baked ration things to everybody, and he's taking drink orders from people if they want beverages. And he goes [as Vrixx] Ah, here you go. I- I made you some- some scones. Uh, I- I found a old book I've had in my house for a while. One of the other sprites, uh, used to be really, really into making stuff, so he had a cookbook, and I made some of these! They're- they're- they're scones. Um, they're pretty good, I think, but anyway, uh, do you- do you guys want anything to drink? Bolka? Marge? Can I whip you up anything?
[Amanda, as Marge] Oh, I wouldn't mind having another coffee, but--and you said you had some whiskey with ya?
[James, as Vrixx] I think someone has whiskey, yeah. I'll find some. I can do that.
[Amanda, as Marge] Oh, a little bit in the coffee would be good.
[James, as Vrixx] Okay. Cool, cool. Bolka, do you want anything to drink?
[Zac, as Bolka] Uh, water. Water would be great, thank you
[James, as Vrixx] Water? Alright. Cool, cool. Uh, cold? Warm? Uh, it's- I mean, it's mostly cold, but I could heat some up for you if you want?
[Zac, as Bolka] No, is fine
[James, as Vrixx] Okay, okay
[Zac, as Bolka] I am simple man. [describes] He's going to detect poison and detect magic on the sco- on the scones
[James] Smart, smart. Smart. Uh, you detect neither poison nor magic.
[Zac] I don't have detect feces prepared today. Okay, that's fine
[James] That's fair, that's fair, that's fair
[James] Um, and then I think he's definitely waiting for Vasilisa, and he's like- finally like she relaxes for a moment because she's-
[Elizabeth] three hours after she started, she indeed does
[James] three hours after she started, she's finished the scroll and he goes over and is like [as Vrixx] Hey, um, I wanted to apologize for earlier and taking away your coffee. I thought that was kind of mean of me. I wanted to say I'm sorry.
[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] Vrixx-
[James] and he looks over and Hatch is just like [as Hatch] Yeah, good job.
[David and Zac laugh]
[James] Like he came through and he is like [as Hatch] Yeah, you did good.
[James, as Vrixx] So, anyway. I just- I wanted to apologize. Um, and I brought you a scone. I was wondering if you wanted a coffee again or tea or something. I'd like to make you a drink.
[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] Vrixx. Vrixx
[James, as Vrixx] Yeah?
[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa, sighs] I promise, unless you betray me completely, I won't cut your other ear off. Okay? Does that make you feel better?
[James, as Vrixx] Yeah, I- I guess-
[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] Were you scared I was going to throw a card at you again or something?
[James, as Vrixx] No. I just- I- Hatch said that I might have been a little mean and that I should apologize, and I'm trying to be more like him because he's doing me a big favor letting me, like, stay with him, and then, like, yeah, I don't know, I feel like I owe him.
[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] Hatch is indeed the best house spirit I have ever met. He is a beautiful domovoi.
[James, as Hatch, makes pleased little grunting sounds]
[James] And you look over and he's peeking behind like a cupboard at you and then he, like--you guys make eye contact and he's like [as Hatch] Oh! [describes] and he hides.
[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] Did Hatch help you to get this--you said it's a scone?
[James, as Vrixx] Yeah, scone.
[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] Okay. Okay. I shall- [describes] and she looks around to see if anyone else is eating them
[Zac] Oh, I am. After- After I did detect magic or poison, I'm eating them
[Elizabeth] Oh, okay. She shall observe Bolka, notice that he seems o- okay.
[Zac] He's eating it daintily, and he's eating just a little bit of time, but yep
[Elizabeth] She shall nibble very delicately at the corner of one of the scones.
[James] They're really dry and they are- have way too much flour in them.
[Zac] I like that
[James] It is whatever you think a 4 out of 20 for a scone would be.
[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] You know-
[James] It's edible, but not enjoyable at all, though
[Zac] I think that's perfect for Bolka
[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] -this is, uh-
[Amanda] That's what he's used to?
[Zac] Like, he'd feel- he'd feel guilty if it was like too sweet and delicious and like soft and buttery.
[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] Uh, thank you for the-
[James, as Vrixx] Yeah
[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] -gesture.
[James, as Vrixx] Did you want anything to drink? Um-
[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] After the scone--I mean, yes, I would like some tea, please.
[James, as Vrixx] Okay. Uh, what- what kind of tea?
[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] Do we have more than one kind of tea in this hovel?
[James, as Vrixx] I- I got some in my place. I can get you some.
[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa, with an excited gasp] You have tea in-
[James, as Vrixx] Yeah
[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] -your tiny sprite house?
[James, as Vrixx] Yeah! I got tea, I got coffee, I got other stuff that we don't need to keep a sheet for.
[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] Do you have any tea with flowers in it?
[James, as Vrixx] Yeah, I think so. Get some flower tea for ya
[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] Some blossoms
[James, as Vrixx] Yeah
[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] Nice-
[James, as Vrixx] a nice tisane tea
[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] -beautiful summer smell
[James, as Vrixx] Yeah, I can do that. Yeah
[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] Yes, I would love a tisane.
[James, as Vrixx] Okay. Cool.
[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] Thank you. Okay. Uh, also, though: be careful when you bring it back. If I am in the middle of talking to my cards-
[James, as Vrixx] I'll just set it right-
[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] -don't talk to me
[James, as Vrixx] Yeah, I'll just set it right there, next to my scone
[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] Okay because if I lose my concentration, poof! Scroll is literally just ash.
[James, as Vrixx] Alright. Well, I'll get you your tea.
[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] Okay. I am going to try to learn how to spy through mirrors now.
[James, as Vrixx] Alright...
[James] Uh, and Valdeen, you have just finished gathering up a nice sized pile of wood outside of the hovel.
[David] I- I want to pet Marigold one more time, tell her she's a good donkey
[James, as Marigold] Hell yeah!
[David] and then I go back inside
[David] because it's cold.
[James] You- You climb down the ladder and Vrixx flies up and he goes like [as Vrixx] Hey, I need your flask.
[David, as Valdeen] What-
[James, as Vrixx] It's for Marge
[David, as Valdeen] What for? Oh. Okay. Still what for? What- Why does Marge-
[James, as Vrixx] She just wants some
[David, as Valdeen] Alright. Sure
[James, as Vrixx] in her coffee
[David] I hand in my flask, which is the size of him.
[James] Yeah. He like [as Vrixx] Oh, fuck [straining]
[David] I take it back before he falls
[James] Yeah. Yeah [as Vrixx] yeah, fuck
[David, as Valdeen] Vrixx, where are we going?
[James, as Vrixx] You could just put a little bit in here.
[David, as Valdeen] Alright. [describes] I uncork it and pour a little bit in.
[James, as Vrixx] I just- keep going
[David] I pour a little bit more.
[James, as Vrixx] One more
[David] Just a tiny bit more.
[James, as Vrixx] Yeah, alright. She's- She's had a [makes indicative sounds]
[David] I take a swig off the flask, too
[James, as Vrixx] Yeah, yeah. Alright.
[David] Then I look over and I see, um, Bolka's hair, and he has a manbun on top of his head
[James] Yeah, he does.
[David] and I stare at the manbun, and I just [as Valdeen] Marge, what have you done to this man's beautiful head of hair?
[Zac, laughing] Aw
[David, as Valdeen] Marge- Marge, wait a minute.
[Zac, as Bolka] You do not- You do not like it?
[David, as Valdeen] No, I can't believe I leave the room for a few hours to get some firewood and this is what happens. Hold on. Let's- We gotta- We can- We can't leave this like this. [describes] and I walk over and I'm about to undo the manbun
[Amanda, as Marge] Oh, but- but he was-
[Zac, as Bolka] Valdeen, you have better- better idea? You have hairstyle skills?
[David, as Valdeen] Well, so- I don't talk about this very much, but there's- there's a time in my life where I did a lot of hair. I- I actually worked
[David, as Valdeen] I worked in a facility that, um, well [clears throat] I would provide services for people's needs when they were lonely, and I would be, well, I mean- [clears throat] I was not alone; this was a place I worked quite a- in the city- when I lived in the city. I was younger, it was different time- Anyway, I don't talk about that time in my life very often, but I learned a lot about hai-
[Amanda, as Marge] You- You braided hair for people who were lonely?
[Zac, as Bolka] He was a love worker.
[David, as Valdeen] Bolka understands. As Bolka does.
[Amanda, as Marge] A love worker?
[Elizabeth, laughing] I'm so mad that Vasilisa isn't getting any of this!
[Zac, as Bolka] Yes. Is noble profession. Is important job.
[David, as Valdeen] I- I spent a lot of time with my fellow- well, people I worked with in the- in the city. We lived in the same house; it was where I- it was where I stayed during that time. I didn't- I lived on the street before that, so it was certainly a better place for me. And I learned all about women's hair, men's hair, beards, everything.
[Amanda, as Marge] Wow
[David, as Valdeen] I learned all about how to keep up hygiene. I learned a ton about things I would've never known before, and, well, I-
[Amanda, as Marge] Oh, I just, you know, did my kiddos' hair and that's just- I was playing around and-
[David, as Valdeen] No, Marge, I mean no offense to you as far as the- the thing you did his hair. Just, I've- I just can't-
[Amanda, laughing] 'That thing you did'
[David, as Valdeen] I can't let- I can't let his man walk around. I can't let this man walk around-
[Zac] He's got the manbun, he's drinking a PBR ,he's got like a giant sex pistols belt buckle, he's got a hand-rolled cigarette
[Amanda, David, Elizabeth laughing]
[Elizabeth] 'That's just what I do for my kiddos; I don't know what you're talking about'
[David] I- I couldn't pass up this opportunity just to do something about this [laughing] But-
[Zac, as Bolka] But yes, if you were, back in Oppara, if you were like a courtesan, like, they are trained-
[David, as Valdeen] Ye- Yes. I-
[Zac, as Bolka] They are trained in many different skills
[David, as Valdeen] I'm glad no one saw me react when The Courtesan card got revealed earlier because I-
[Amanda, as Marge] Oh [splutters] That's what a courtesan-? I didn't know what a courtesan was
[David, as Valdeen] Yes. Well, now you know more, Marge. And- Anyway, if you don't mind-
[Amanda, as Marge] Oh, I wonder why that card was picked for me. That doesn't make any sense.
[Elizabeth trying to smother laughter in the background]
[David, as Valdeen] I- uh. If you don't mind, Bolka, I think we should do something different, and then I-
[Zac, as Bolka] I mean, if is no offense to Marge? Are you-? If he is trained professional and wants to do his- his art, I- I would like to give him the opportunity. No offense to you. If that's okay.
[Amanda, as Marge] Well, no. That's okay. I- I- Yeah. That, no, that's- that's- Yeah. That's fine. That's fine. [describes] and she grabs her coffee and [David and Zac laugh]
[David] Sit back and drink the whiskey coffee
[David] Enjoy the moment
[Elizabeth, laughing] I'm so mad Vasilisa's getting none of-
[Zac] You're not here! Elizabeth, you're not here!
[James] This is wonderful
[Elizabeth] Oh, god! [deep breath]
[David] Valdeen then proceeds to get your hair straightened, combs it out, and essentially gets it all ready to do the braid you mentioned earlier that you wanted. Because I heard that before I left, yeah
[Amanda] The french braid
[David] And so he braids your hair and gets all the tangles out and makes sure it's nice and neat.
[Zac] Just- Just kind of sitting there, taking our time.
[David] Yeah, he-
[Zac, as Bolka] What is the fluffiest cloud you ever saw?
[David, as Valdeen] Hmm. I don't know. Never really looked up that much. I usually look down .
[Amanda] And Marge is mumbling over her coffee
[Amanda, as Marge] I'm not a unicorn
[David] Perfect moment
[James] Fucking unicorn son of a bitch
[James] 'Uh, I'm Valdeen, I'm a prince, I'm a unicorn, I'm so special. Oh-'
[laughter; Amanda makes mocking noises to accompany James' words]
[Zac] 'I'm the savior of everyone'
[James] 'Oh, Bolka, your hair looks like shit. Marge did an awful job. Here, let me do it; I'm so much better.'
[David] Marge's inner monologue sounds a lot like James.
[James] I was- I was channeling some Vrixx there...
[David] That was good. That was good, yeah. Yeah, so that's what Valdeen does.
[James] Okay. What does the rest of the day look like for everybody? We've gathered wood and-
[James] Go ahead
[sound of metal water bottle opening; Amanda and Elizabeth laugh]
[Amanda] Go ahead, Valdeen!
[Zac] Hydro homies!
[Elizabeth] Try to get into your flask
[Amanda] Do whatever you need to do
[David] Drink your water, folks. It's good for you.
[James] Yeah. Water break! Water break! Water check. Everyone listening to the podcast, make sure you drink some water! I want you all to chug at least eight ounces right now!
[Amanda] Three, two, one!
[James] Here we go, ready!
[James] One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight! Yeah, you did it! Great job!
[Zac] We don't care if you're driving. We don't care if you're in the middle of performing surgery-
[Amanda] You think I can drink an ounce a second?
[James] You need to stop whatever you're doing, drink eight delicious ounces of that magical life liquid!
[Elizabeth] but don't actually drink Life water because that's sad
[James] Yeah. Just like tap's fine
[David] Just- just water.
[Elizabeth] Just normal water
[James] Tap's good
[David] Water's good
[Elizabeth] It's cool. It's cool.
[Amanda] So, I think after downing her coffee and whiskey, Marge is- is gonna try and make herself useful otherwise, and maybe, um, go outside and practice with the blow gun.
[James] I want you to roll a CON save for me, Marge
[Elizabeth] That much whiskey, huh?
[James] It was a- Yeah.
[Amanda] Wait, how much whiskey did you put in her coffee? [laughs]
[David] He told me to keep pouring.
[James] Vrixx said keep goin'. Three whatevers
[Zac] Three whatevers. Three units
[Elizabeth] Even if it's three ounces-
[Zac] Adjusted seven?
[Elizabeth] -she's a little ratfolk
[James] You're tipsy. I think you're tipsy with that, if that sounds fair.
[James] You had--because you are a tiny wonderful lady, but there were also at least three hearty glugs of whiskey in that small cup of coffee.
[Zac] Oh, god; she's gonna start telling the truth.
[James] Play it off as much as you want, but I think that Marge is definitely feeling it a little bit.
[Zac] Got that tingle tangle
[Amanda] Yeah, the tingle- Tingle tangle?
[David and Elizabeth laugh]
[David] No, the tangles are all gone. They're all taken care of.
[Zac] Sometimes I just say stuff I never heard before
[Amanda and David laugh]
[Amanda] So, yeah. She's gonna sit down and she's gonna go through, um, she's gonna go outside.
[Amanda] because she's ready to kind of step away from everybody for a moment. She's going to pull out the blow gun and the poisons-
[Zac, laughing] Oh, god
[Amanda] -and just kind of [as Marge] You know, I gotta figure out something to do with these- these guys.
[James] I forgot about the poison. Part of me is regretting my decision to make you roll a CON save. The other part of me is like 'oh! perfect timing.'
[James] What do you do with the poison, Marge?
[Amanda] Well, she's just- you know, she's gonna look at it and try to get 'em arranged, and she's not, you know- She only knows a little bit about poisons. She, you know, she's been around- was around Norm for a long time when he was working with 'em, but it was never really her thing. So, she's just kind of looking and seeing how they fit into the blow gun and taking, you know, making little- little tiny snowballs and putting them in the blow gun and practicing blowing, and just kind of trying to figure the whole thing out. And probably not doing a great job of it, if she's tipsy.
[James] Yeah. But you're not trying to apply the poisons or anything?
[Amanda] No, I don't think she-
[Elizabeth] I'm just picturing-
[James] Cool. That was what I was mostly worried about
[Elizabeth] -tipsy Marge: 'Do I organize these by-
[Amanda and Elizabeth] color?
[Elizabeth] '-by size?'
[Amanda, as Marge] Well, I don't know what most of these are.
[Amanda and Elizabeth laugh]
[James] So maybe color.
[Amanda] Probably color.
[James] Alright. So, Marge is gonna work on the blow gun. What's Bolka, what's Valdeen up to?
[Zac] And my hair is done?
[David] Yeah, I think so. If you're happy with it.
[Zac] What do you say? Is it- Do you have a craft or perform check or a DEX check or like- I wanna know how good it is.
[David] I would think it would be a DEX check, if you're good with that
[James] I think a DEX check is great, yeah
[David] -and a bonus from experience, maybe?
[Zac] Because he would even be thinking about that as you're pitching it. Like, 'he does have, like, really steady hands--like, precise hands.'
[David] So, my roll is a 19 and then whatever bonus you want to give it for my experience in the past.
[James] I think plus two from your experience
[David] Cool. So it's 21.
[James] There you go.
[Zac] So it looks really good.
[James] It looks great
[Zac] It probably looks, like, I mean-
[David] Better than what you're-
[Zac] -as good as Rusilka, if not better.
[James] Yeah. It- It looks like-
[Amanda sighs, laughs]
[David] Fucking unicorns
[James] -what Rusilka did on a good day.
[Zac, as Bolka] But there's still something to be said for the- the, uh, the manbun that you said? Like that- that Marge did? Like, there was something nice about that, too, but this is so elegant!
[David, as Valdeen] Well, I'm really glad you like it. I- I've heard of this new hairstyle where it goes in that kind of strange shape on top of the head like a hat almost, and, um, I don't know, I just-
[Zac, as Bolka] Yes, I thought it was funny!
[David, as Valdeen] You- Oh. Okay. Hey, if you like it, that's okay. It can be your choice; it's your hair. I just, uh-
[Zac, as Bolka] No, but this is beautiful, though. This is so intricate!
[David, as Valdeen] Good. Good, I'm glad you like it. [describes] Then Valdeen is just gonna take a bite of the scone after he dips it in some tea.
[Zac] I'll probably go over to Kapa and-
[Elizabeth] show off his hair
[Zac] show my hair
[James, as Kapa] Oh, it is- it is lovely, Bolka!
[Zac, as Bolka] It is nice
[James, as Kapa] That is absolutely wonderful
[Zac, as Bolka] I was worried that Rusilka is not here and who would do my hair, but look at this! Oh my god
[James, as Kapa] Yes, Marge did such a good job! Look at that
[Zac, as Bolka] No! Oh, no. Marge did a good job, too, but then this--I don't know if he wants me to tell you--this was Valdeen.
[James, as Kapa] What?
[Zac, as Bolka] Yes!
[Amanda and David laugh]
[James, as Kapa] The man is tall and mysterious and so full of capabilities, it seems.
[Zac, as Bolka] Yes. He's like an onion full of surprises.
[James, as Kapa] Yes, he is a surprise onion
[David, laughing] 'surprise onion'
[James, as Kapa] Such as surprise onion, that man
[Zac, as Bolka] Every layer
[James, as Kapa] Yes.
[Zac, as Bolka] What will we find next? What will we discover about Valdeen in the future?
[James, as Kapa] Who knows?
[sound of weed whacker in distance; Amanda sighs]
[Zac] That weed whacker, dude
[Elizabeth] Yeah, yeah
[David makes weed whacker sound & Elizabeth joins in]
[David] Is that going to get picked up?
[Zac] A little, yeah
[David] A little bit
[Zac] It's in there
[James] Okay, so-
[Zac] But this would be the part in the music where I'm like, there's this- this weed whacker instrument kinda creeping into the music-
[David] Oh! Nice
[Amanda] Blending into the background
[Zac makes musical weed whacker noises]
[James] So, here's what- How about we take a break until weed whacker guy is done
[James] Get some food, take a piss, whatever we need
[Zac] Take a piss!
[Elizabeth] Okay, okay
[musical ticking clock & heartbeat sound]
[David] Quick, let's do it!
[Amanda] Is it quiet enough?
[Elizabeth] Are they done? Are they done?
[Zac] Go, go, go, go!
[Elizabeth] Oh my god, it's a pause!
[Amanda] I feel like even if they do start it back up, it's not going to be as loud as it was before.
[Zac] We all just need to be really loud when we talk.
[Amanda] Just talk into our mics
[Zac, laughing] James- James's face lit up
[James] I was born for this!
[David] I am so ready, guys!
[Zac] Can you drown out yard work? Yes, I can.
[Elizabeth] Alright. So, we just established-
[David] All of our powers combined
[Elizabeth] -Valdeen did a really great job on Bolka's hair-
[Elizabeth] and Marge is tipsy-
[David] and he found out something about Valdeen's past.
[David] What was it, Bolka? What did you find out?
[Elizabeth and Amanda laugh]
[Zac] He was--I forget it- what I put it--uh, 'love worker'? I like that term!
[David] It was a gun for- gun for hire.
[Zac] Oh gun for hire.
[James and Elizabeth] Gun for hire!
[James] Yeah. In more ways than one.
[Amanda] Mhm. Ohh, ahh
[James and Elizabeth make sexy porn-esque music]
[James] Um, okay. So-
[Zac] But love worker sounds respectable, too. I like that
[Elizabeth] Yeah, yeah
[David, as Valdeen] Thank you, Bolka. I appreciate that.
[Zac] It sounds like you put in a hard day's work and-
[Elizabeth] A hard day's work
[Amanda] In more ways than one!
[Zac] No, I mean it sounds labor intensive
[James] So, let's get one last-
[Zac] Let's get one thing straight
[Amanda] Oh, the GM's mad at us
[laughter; James sighs]
[James] Let's get one last vignette from everyone as this day wraps up. So, Vasilisa, we'll start with you as you finish up your last thing.
[Elizabeth] Vasilisa, over the course of the day, spent 16 hours preparing spells and doing scrolls-
[Elizabeth] -and doing the blood transcription, and she still has a scroll left that she's just gonna have to wait to do tomorrow because she is spent. It- She's been awake for a full 16 hours. She- She did take a brief break to cast goodberry five times and grow a couple of bean stalks because you could always use more beans and fresh vegetables are hard to come by in Irrisen, but she's just exhausted and spent and kind of still in that communing-with-my-cards-Harrow zone.
[Elizabeth] Her mind is very busy with magical stuff, and so she just probably doesn't really engage with anybody.
[Elizabeth] Maybe just plops a sack of beans down and- and goes and curls up to sleep.
[Elizabeth] She's- She's done.
[James] She's done; she's had a day.
[Elizabeth] Yeah, and she has to get up early the next day to do at least a couple hours more because, man, we had a lot of good scrolls.
[James] Yeah. What's everyone else looking like? Who wants to go next? What is your evening vignette?
[David] Just get in- get in the zone: Harrow Zone.
[David] I couldn't help it. It was- Okay.
[Amanda] Geez [pause] So, what is Valdeen doing?
[James] Yeah, what is Valdeen doing?
[Amanda] Since you had to jump in there
[James] Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's hear from Valdeen
[David] Fair enough. Valdeen is actually just kind of leaning back in a corner, leaning in- in a chair, leaning against the wall again. And then he kind of just jumps all the sudden, realizes- he touches his hip at his side. [as Valdeen] Bolka!
[Zac, as Bolka] Yes
[David, as Valdeen] Do you still have-
[Zac, as Bolka] No, yes.
[David, as Valdeen] Bolka, you still have my gun?
[Zac, as Bolka] Yes, yes, yes.
[David, as Valdeen] I just- I just remembered I'm- I'm not armed, and-
[Zac, as Bolka] You're not
[David, as Valdeen] I feel like I'm more in my right mind again. Could you, uh, could you return my weapon to me please?
[David, as Valdeen] Bolka-
[Elizabeth, laughing] I'm sorry
[David] The fly just got on the mic. Wow
[Elizabeth, laughing] The weed whacker just started again
[David] Oh, it did?
[Amanda] Oh, my god
[Zac and Elizabeth laugh]
[Elizabeth] I can't-
[Zac] This is going to be good because it's putting everyone in a really good-
[James] This is how we're going to die
[Zac] -putting everyone in a really good mood
[Elizabeth continues to laugh]
[James] Recording this episode, from old age.
[Zac] The landscapers are going to come kill us
[David, putting on an old-sounding voice] Valdeen walks across the room to see Bolka [as Valdeen, but old] Do you still have my gun?
[David, continuing as old Valdeen] I don't know where I put it.
[Zac] Bolka is just dead. He's a-
[Amanda] Just a skeleton with a great head of hair
[David, laughing] Great head of hair
[Zac] Great- [laughs]
[Zac] Um, saving throw: none, spell resistance: no. I can do it for-
[David] What are you trying to do?
[Zac] -five levels-
[David] Wait, what are you trying to do here? You're looking up something. Hold on
[Zac] I cast- I cast some spells on Valdeen, I think
[David] Oh! Oh! No.
[Zac] No. So, when he prepared his spells, uh, this morning, I think it was? Or, I don't know: how long have we been in this hidey-hole, for f sake?
[Amanda] Like 16 hours-
[David] Last night and today
[Amanda] -now, yeah
[Zac] Okay. So, this morning, when he was preparing his spells, uh, he prepared something called Sense Madness. He knew he couldn't cure whatever was going on with everybody, but he thought maybe this would help him understand it better, and that would lead him to help cure. As Valdeen's asking for his gun back, now is a perfect time for him to say-
[Zac, as Bolka] Yes, if you don't mind, but let me just- I would you like to check and just do it like a reading of how you are feeling overall, just to make sure because sometimes you are not in your right mind, but you do not know you are not in your right mind and you think your everything is fine, like, 'oh, I can pull this haircut off, is no problem,' but, you-
[David, as Valdeen] Well, I mean, your hair does look great.
[Zac, as Bolka] No, me? I look amazing, but- yes.
[Zac, as Bolka] Other people, other times--and thank you again for that.
[David, as Valdeen] Well, we already did a reading--Vasilisa did her reading earlier. Didn't- We didn't do another reading? Just something like that with cards?
[Zac, as Bolka] No, it's just a quick spell. It's just a quick spell.
[David, as Valdeen] Oh. Okay.
[Zac, as Bolka] It's only one round per level.
[David, as Valdeen] What is-
[Amanda] They're getting closer, I feel like
[Zac, as Bolka] That- We want- We must hurry; they're approaching!
[Zac] There's no time!
[David] Quickly! Before they get here!
[Zac] I can sense the presence of mental disturbance in creatures within range.
[James] That's beautiful.
[David] So, are you casting it on everyone, then? Or just me?
[Zac] Well, it's, uh, it's within...What are we, five now?
[David] Yeah. Yeah, we're level 5
[James] Yeah, you guys are 5
[Zac] So, it's within 45 feet.
[David] It's gonna be the whole room.
[James] So, it's the whole- everyone.
[Zac] So, it's the whole- I can do the whole room.
[James] You can do everybody.
[Zac] Um, but also, if you choose to concentrate on the same creature for an extra round after that--Like, it bursts on everyone, and then you can choose to focus and really try and figure out what's wrong with someone.
[Zac] So, that's something to do to Valdeen.
[Zac] I can tell, like, how much sanity damage they've taken, based on the sanity rules
[Zac] -and I can- I can identify their specific
[David] conditions? Mental conditions?
[Zac] -disturbances, yeah
[David] So, I'll- I'll tell you about those once you succeed in this.
[David] Is there a resist or a- a roll?
[Zac] No spell resistance and no saving throw.
[James] I mean, it's- it sounds like it's just a regular detect spell
[Zac] It's me reading. Yeah, I'm detecting- I'm-
[Elizabeth] It's like- Yeah. Like detect-
[James] detect undead, detect magic; it's one of those.
[Zac] So, actually, I have to roll.
[James] Oh shit
[Zac] The round one goes off and I can tell who's mad and who's not and whatever, but for the next round that I'm focusing on Valdeen, uh, it's a sense motive against DC 10 plus the save DC of the target's madness or addiction
[Zac] And if I can nail it, I determine the exact nature of the madness or addiction.
[James] Cool. I have the number.
[Zac] Okay. Here we go.
[David] Okay. Here we go.
[magical sound effect]
[Zac] So. But, the first round, I do identify what- if anyone has madness.
[Zac] Valdeen does, still?
[Elizabeth] I mean, I think I'm still paranoid.
[Amanda] I think Marge's mania and delusions ended after she slept because that, I think, was directly correlating to her lack of sleep and her exhaustion.
[Elizabeth] I think Irrisen is ju- I'm going to be paranoid for at least as long as we're in Irrisen.
[James] So, Vasilisa and Valdeen ping up for you. Bing!
[Amanda] I mean, Marge doesn't certainly seem all right.
[Zac] She seems quirky, as Vasilisa says. She has been quirky.
[Elizabeth and David laugh]
[Zac] So, Bolka will produce the- the gun, the pepperbox
[Zac] for Valdeen, and say [as Bolka] Well, I told you if you asked for it back, I would give it back to you, but, uh, if you maybe- if you need me to hold it again for you, like perhaps before you go to sleep at night, that might be a good idea. But, here. [describes] and he like presents it very- very like politely and ceremonially.
[David] Valdeen hesitates and looks at you for a moment. [as Valdeen] Oh, Bolka, we're- we're about to wrap up our day here. We're not going anywhere, yet. Can we just make sure that you're--in case something does happen in the night--you're nearby? Or can get this to me quickly? In case we do need to fight?
[Zac, as Bolka] I think is good idea. I will stay close to you.
[David, as Valdeen] Okay. Let's do that and let's have pre-arranged, uh, a condition or word or something that we know to- to get get the weapon to me quickly in case we're in the middle of a fight, but we're about to go to sleep here in a few hours and I don't anticipate us needing to fight tonight, so
[Zac, as Bolka] No. And I believe if situation arises, I will be wise enough to know when is right time.
[David, as Valdeen] Okay. I think you're right. [describes] and I push the gun back toward you, my hand. [as Valdeen] Hold on to it till the morning. When we- When we get on the road and we're out there, where we need to use it.
[Zac, as Bolka] Very good. I will.
[David, as Valdeen] I think you're right. Something doesn't feel quite the way it should be. I can't quite put my finger on it, but something in my head isn't, uh, isn't lining up the way it usually does, and I don't want to hurt anybody. At least not anybody here. Thank you.
[Zac] And then, after that, Bolka is going to take the pepperbox and uh wherever, yeah- stay close to wherever Valdeen was bedding down
[James] Okay, cool.
[Zac] and he- you know, he was already working on the, like, the- the communique that he was gonna send while he was getting his hair done, but now he's also going to try and in the evening maybe pen a poem or two specifically for a couple people that he cares about in Waldsby and-
[Zac] If he can't come up with anything good, he might throw it away, but if he comes up with something nice, he'll add it to the- the letter.
[James] Very cool.
[Amanda] Well, I think Marge is just gonna keep herself busy. It's what she knows how to do best, is, ya know, preparing. So after she messes around with the blow gun and looking at the poisons and figuring out how best to- to carry everything, uh, she'll probably go back down into the hole and, um, start packing up Ghost and helping Sara and Gary-
[Amanda] -with splitting up rations-
[Amanda] -and making sure there's blankets and tent and, you know, everything is where it needs to be, and- Yeah.
[Amanda] Just getting all the packs ready to go, so first thing in the morning, throw it all on Ghost and-
[James] head out
[Amanda] -head out.
[Amanda] She's- yeah. I think she's trying to keep herself preoccupied so she's not thinking about stuff.
[James] Yeah. So, there are a couple things: you have our wonderful spell casters that need their time to pray and prepare spells, and then we also know that Vasilisa has one more scroll that she needs to finish up. So, during that time, I think everybody else is just packing up the donkey, making sure everything's ready.
[Amanda] Getting breakfast ready for our first meal
[James] breakfast cooking. Yep
[Amanda] I think Marge is looking forward to being out of, you know, enclosed space with everybody.
[Elizabeth] Back on the road
[Amanda] Being out in the open
[Elizabeth] doing something
[Zac] the hidey-hole, the bunker: like, they all sound very confining
[Amanda] It's- Exactly.
[Amanda] I think she's going a little stir crazy.
[James] Alright. So, Vasilisa. How did all of your scrolls turn out? Now that you are officially done.
[Amanda] Oh, yeah!
[Elizabeth] I have successfully added the following spells to my familiar: Dispel Magic, Irriseni Mirror Sight,
[Elizabeth] Remove Disease
[Amanda] Ooh, that's a good one
[Elizabeth] Levitate, and Returning Weapon
[David] Oh...Nice! Those are good
[Amanda] Very cool, very cool
[James] That's great. You can cast that on Valdeen's gun; he can throw it now
[Zac] but don't cast it on a magic weapon because they'll get a save
[Elizabeth] Yeah, yeah.
[James] Yeah, yeah, right
[Elizabeth] Will save for that one
[Amanda] but- the weapon gets a will save?
[Zac] Magical weapons have will.
[Elizabeth] objects can save
[James] Yep, yep
[James] Smart objects
[Elizabeth] Now, but if I wanted, I could prepare Youthful Appearance
[Elizabeth] and I could force any of you to look 10 years younger. No save! There's no save for that spell. It's frikkin' borked. But, that's
[James] It is a borked-ass spell
[Elizabeth] I don't understand it. I don't.
[Zac, as Bolka] I am in with the right party. Is like spa treatment. I look 10 years younger, my hair is beautiful...
[Zac, as Bolka] Is so good!
[James] So, what does the marching order look like as you guys leave this hovel in your small little caravan going through the woods--You guys know that you're going to be heading more of a northwest direction today. Basically going to be traveling for several days until you hit the edge of a lake in which you guys will find Ellsprin and a couple more days and then you'll be at Whitethrone, which is right on the Glacier Lake.
[Elizabeth] Do we have one of Kapa's dog sleds? Do we have a dog sled?
[Amanda] I don't think so
[James] You don't
[Zac] No, the- the Pale Tower guards took them all
[Elizabeth] Or do we just have sleds-
[Amanda] We just have the sleds themselves
[Elizabeth] -that we could pull, but the dogs we left at the Tower-
[Elizabeth] -like fools
[Amanda] Well, the-
[Zac] No, the dogs were kidnapped by the guards
[Amanda] -dogs were taken
[David] they were taken, yeah
[Elizabeth] No, that's what I mean. We left them at the Tower
[Amanda] Oh, yeah. Gotcha, yeah.
[Zac] We didn't- We didn't rescue them, yeah
[Elizabeth] No- That- When they grabbed that box of kitties, they probably took the dogs, too
[James] Yeah, the only thing-
[Zac] the kitties and puppies
[James] -they weren't able to take out of the courtyard was Marigold because she was stubborn
[Elizabeth] Yeah. She's a stubborn donkey
[Elizabeth] because she's a very good girl
[James] Yep. But they- they have all the dogs and everything.
[Elizabeth] Oh, yeah
[Amanda] How deep is the snow? Because if it's not too deep, I feel like Marge would go first, but if it's deep, she's not gonna be- you know
[James] It's double movement
[Zac] So, not as deep as before
[Elizabeth] So- We've been in worse
[Zac] Yeah, we've been in worse.
[James] Yeah you guys have been in worse.
[David] Yeah, and we're using snowshoes.
[Zac] Bolka would like to be up front, too. Like, he wants to make sure that if anything bad happens, it comes to him. And are you riding?
[Amanda] Yes. She would be riding.
[Elizabeth] Vasilisa would like to be in the middle.
[Elizabeth] With Marigold.
[David] Valdeen would also like to be near the middle somewhere.
[Elizabeth] We're making the kids take the rear. Yeah!
[David] No, Gary is- Gary is in the rear.
[Elizabeth] Oh, no. Gary is with the kids.
[James, as Gary] Yes, I am Gary. I am here in the back
[David] He'll watch the six
[Zac] Right because he doesn't need necessarily to have like fingers or sharp- but he needs to have sharp eyes and ears
[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] Gary, do you happen to have a weapon of any kind?
[Zac] needs to be our alarm system
[James, as Gary] Uh, yes. I have this here sword.
[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] Oh, good
[James, as Gary] Is good. And I'm excited to do the travel now.
[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] Okay
[David, as Valdeen] Very good.
[James] A couple hours pass just trudging through the snow. You guys eventually break out of the heavily wooded forest and the trees become more and more sparse as you start to move uh almost parallel to the tree line. You can see the forest a short distance away, and I need everybody to roll me a perception check, please.
[Amanda] Die don't fail me
[David] Oh, yeah! Well, Valdeen got a natural 20 on his dice, giving him a total-
[Zac] Girl, same
[Elizabeth] Oh my gosh
[David] We're like such good friends this episode
[Zac] Doing hair, both getting twenties... So, what did you get?
[Elizabeth] I got a- I got a-
[David] It gives me a 30.
[Elizabeth] What the-
[Zac] Yeah, I only got a 25.
[David] Yeah. I have 10 perception
[Amanda] Oh, Marge got a 25, too, but I only rolled the 17.
[David] Valdeen is really paying attention with his eagle eyes.
[Elizabeth] Vasilisa got a 6
[Zac] I have no ranks in it.
[David] You were thinkin' about scrolls again.
[Elizabeth] I have a 6. I was probably thinking about 'oh, man; I hope I prepared the right spells today.' Elizabeth didn't prepare any spells, yet. I don't know what I have prepared.
[David] You shouldn't tell the DM that out loud
[Amanda, laughing] Yeah
[David] Just- That's an internal- internal thoughts versus the external
[Elizabeth] I'm just sayin'- Just sayin' I should have already prepared my- I have prepared my spells. I will let you know later what they are.
[Zac] Once we know- Once we know what this is that you're about to tell us, then we'll- then we'll prepare a bunch of spells.
[Elizabeth] I- you didn't give me a chance.
[David] That makes sense.
[Elizabeth] What can I say?
[Elizabeth] I- When was I supposed to- [makes incoherent sounds]
[Zac] So, with a 30, Valdeen has to see-
[James] Valdeen got a 30. What did Bolka get?
[James] 25. Marge got-
[James] -25. What did Vasilisa get?
[James] Cool. Uh, so the three of you walking along, you notice that there are quite a number of birds that have been along the journey, um, all kind of black raven crow-like birds
[James] Um, throughout the entire thing
[David] Oh, no
[James] Like, ever since you guys left, you've seen just birds. Uh-
[Zac] We forgot to hide
[James] -flying around. But where you guys are standing now, you look over into the woodland and you see like five or six birds just kind of like perched together and that's the first time you've seen like a flock of them just kind of like chilling, just being chill. Any nature checks from the three of you?
[Amanda] Nat 20. You know, okay: so these dice that I just got out of a bath bomb from Thornhill Gaming have been rolling real good for me today.
[Zac] Woah, you got another 20?
[Amanda] I got another 20.
[James] Wow, they sound really unbalanced.
[David] They're waterlogged!
[Zac] It was a great bath, though.
[Amanda] It was a great bath. Very nice smelling. 24 for Marge.
[James] 24 for Marge.
[David] Valdeen says 'ooh look, birds!' He rolled a one.
[James] Okay. And Bolka?
[Zac] Would you let me do survival?
[James] No. It's nature.
[Zac] Okay, then I can't do it.
[James] Okay. Cool. So, over the course of these like four or five hours you guys have been walking, like, birds are becoming more and more frequent and everything, and Marge: you look over and you see this little cluster of birds and you're like 'that's- that's not natural.'
[Amanda, as Marge] Hey, Bolka.
[Zac, as Bolka] Oh, yes
[Amanda, as Marge] These birds are acting kinda weird.
[Zac, as Bolka] There's a lot of them there.
[Amanda, as Marge] Yeah. Yeah, they don't normally sit together like that. I'm wonderin' if these guys came from the Tower.
[Zac, as Bolka] Oh, is possible.
[Amanda, as Marge] Would that be bad?
[Zac, as Bolka] Uh, yeah. Oh, yes.
[Amanda, as Marge] But what should we do?
[James] And as you guys are sitting here talking, all of these ravens that are perched on this tree- and you see one of them kind of fly up and it circles around a bit, and Marge, as you're looking at this and you're talking to Bolka and all 'that doesn't- that doesn't seem-' [trails off into high-pitched incoherence]
[Zac] Don'cha know
[Amanda] That doesn't sound good!
[James] Don'cha know!
[Amanda, as Marge] Don'cha know
[James] You see a entire swarm of ravens break the tree line, shooting out like in one of them cool animes when stuff pops out of the forest, and it's like 'oh shit! It's an ambush?' [laughter; James continues in his announcer/narrator voice] What are these, ninja birds? I guess we'll have to find out next time!
[Music: Closing theme plays ("Press Start" by MDK Music)]
[Amanda] Oh [groans]
[David] Come on!
[Zac] Not good
[Amanda] Oh, no. Marge pulls her hood down and 'raaarr!'
[David] I like that
[Elizabeth] I sure hope that someone prepared Burning Hands today
[Amanda, laughing] Us too
[Zac] Did- We knew they were going to see us; they have spies everywhere. We knew that they were gonna-
[David] Yeah, we kind of- We kind of missed that-
[Zac] We didn't even try to conceal ourselves
[David] We didn't
[Elizabeth] Apparently, we didn't
[David] We- We forgot
[Zac] Marching down the road--Here we come!
[David] Let's go this way!
[Amanda] Well, ya know, we're trustin' this Sara and the Gary-
[David] Well, we should- we should all know not to trust NPCs
[Zac] I mean, well, what could we do though?
[Elizabeth] Vasilisa doesn't trust anyone anymore, so...
[James, as Vrixx] What are you guys talking about?
[James] Thank you for listening to The Dimension Door Podcast. There is still time to leave reviews on all of your favorite shows! Go to Podchaser.com and write a review. For every review you write in the month of April, 25 cents will be donated to Meals on Wheels. If the production responds they will double that donation. So, join the ranks of wonderful listeners of our show, such as Elisaelli, Merlin, and Rai, who have left reviews this month. Our limited run merch for Consensual Wanding is still going on. You only have until May 31st to get your tee-shirts, tote bags, coffee mugs, and pouches. After that, we are locking the design into our vault o' merch and you will only be able to get the sticker versions. So, head on over to our website and click "MERCH". Did you know we have a Patreon? Every month we put out exclusive bonus content which include character interviews, stories, merch discounts, and early access. Go to Patreon.com/dimensiondoor and see what you're missing out on. Special thanks to our Executive Producers: David Lester and Callie Rose. Our wonderful editing and composing is done by Zac Kreitler and our bumper tracks are by MDK music. Spell effects from Syrinscape.