Transcripts

S2.E2

Argentea 3.0

[David, as Valdeen] At the top of an ice tower, in a place in Irrisen near the town of Heldren, we're about to embark on some vengeance. Marge has had enough of this tower and these people, and friends and loved ones we know dying, and I--you know, I had my taste for vengeance; it's been on my mind for years--and when I saw a Radosek's face it came all back to me, the memories of Oppara and the betrayers that I swore one day I'd find them and I'd kill them. We've been sneaking around having to be quiet in here and I wasn't able to shoot very many things and boy I am ready to unload this pistol. I'm right there with Marge; I'm ready to shoot something. And I hope Bolka, this man of the cloth that we just met who's now bound with us to our quest to save Baba Yaga, I hope he can understand that this is a life or death situation; it's us or them, the time is now to kill these enemies, to take them out, to get out of this tower, and I just hope that uh he's got the stomach as strong as Vasilisa's to help us get out of this place in one piece and I'm ready to end this next battle.

 

[Music: opening theme plays (“Jelly Castle (orchestral remix)” by MDK Music)]

 

[James, Elizabeth] Yeah

 

[David] okay

 

[Amanda] Nice

 

[Zac] same here, same here

 

[Elizabeth] yes! yes!

 

[Amanda] Well, I'm glad we're all on the same page about-

 

[James] Let's do it, let's-

 

[Amanda] -killing these people [laughs]

 

[James] -kill me! kill me! Murder my face!

 

[everyone laughs]

 

[Zac] okay, we just have to kill him quietly, though, so no one else shows up

 

[David] I don't have a silencer, yet

 

[Amanda, singing] Killing me softly with his song

 

[laughter]

 

[James, singing] Killing me softly-

 

[David] we don't have the rights for that! we don't have the rights for that!

 

[Elizabeth] we don't have-

 

[James, continuing to sing] -with his gun!

 

[Amanda laughs]

 

[David] Oh boy, there we go. There we go

 

[Amanda] Where's your oil of silence?

 

[David] I know

 

[Elizabeth] That's the song we'll sing when he gets oil of silence.

 

[Amanda] There we go

 

[Elizabeth] When his gun is silent, we'll be like, Valdeen-

 

[David] Yes, there we go

 

[Amanda] killing me softly

 

[Elizabeth, singing] Killing me softly with his gun. pew pew pew

 

[David] Alright

 

[Amanda] Fabulous. I'm excited.

 

[James] Me, too. Um, so we're-we're gonna jump in. Last time, you guys uh made your way, you're searching the uh middle floor of the Pale Tower looking for Thora and looking for other stuff you guys might have missed, and eventually you come back to that big banquet hall and you see two women sitting there. Uh you know one of them to be Herstig and you know the other one to be Lady Argentea--what?! what is she doing here?

 

[Amanda] Yeah, right?

 

[David chuckles]

 

[James] and you guys-

 

[Zac] You- you seem so surprised, James

 

[James] I know! You guys talk and they're just sitting there munching food waiting for people to come through the portal and they're like, 'yeah, we're just telling them to fuck off, it's magic shit, who cares.' um, and then you guys learn about Thora and how Thora is-

 

[David] Is no more-a

 

[James] -is no more-a, yeah

 

[laughter]

 

[Elizabeth] ohhh

 

[Amanda] Bad, bad

 

[James] Thora got deaded

 

[Elizabeth (in background)] I thought that was great

 

[David laughs]

 

[James] and her soul is now in a doll back in Taldor, in the Border Wood, sitting in a chicken hut

 

[Elizabeth, sing-song] creepy, creepy doll

 

[David] That is a really terrible fate, all jokes aside.

 

[James] It is really terrible fate. So, now that's where Thora's spirit is, trapped in Taldor. There's no more portal.

 

[Amanda] Now we have to go back

 

[James] You have no way to send her mommy over there.

 

[Amanda sighs]

 

[Elizabeth] Not that we'd want to

 

[David] Yeah, no

 

[Elizabeth] Can you imagine? 'Uh, hi, Kapa-'

 

[Amanda] How do you set them free? How do the children-

 

[Elizabeth, in Vasilisa's voice] '-it turns out that your daughter's spirit has been tied to an evil doll in a forest to watch over--you know, you know the sentinel huts, it's a standard thing-'

 

[David, as Valdeen] No, we just tell her she's dead

 

[Zac, as Bolka] Oh, I think she is back at hideout right now

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa]  Ah, maybe you should go and fight the haunt that is left over from her... I don't think so, guys.

 

[David, as Valdeen] No, we just tell her that her daughter is gone

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] Like, no, we will be like, 'we are so sorry, but Thora was killed, okay? That's all we say.

[As she speaks, Amanda says, as Marge] Oh, we can't get to her anyway

 

[Amanda] Marge is so done with rat people being, rat folk being killed. There's so many of them.

 

[Elizabeth] It's been a rough week for Marge

 

[Amanda] Dude [laughs]

 

[James] Poor Marge.

 

[Amanda] Not cool.

 

[James] Anyway, so they say that, and Marge, sword still out from uh previous fighting uh go- go- fucking goes for it. Marge has had enough, she's gonna kill them all.

 

[Amanda] yeah

 

[James] um but before we do that um, let's talk about level five because we need to-

 

[Zac] wait, no, we need to kill- no, we need to kill these things!

 

[James] No, no, no, no, no: let's- let's talk about level five

 

[Zac] murder

 

[David] Now Bolka wants to kill things

 

[Amanda laughs]

 

[James] Right? So, end of last season, we leveled up; we never talked about it last episode, so let's talk about it this episode, third episode after leveling up--yay!--because I'm interested to see what you guys are looking like heading into your first uh nicely sized combat.

 

[David chuckles]

 

[Amanda] yeah

 

[James] who wants to go first?

 

[David] Well, I'll tell you about Valdeen.

 

[James] Yeah, let's hear about Valdeen

 

[Elizabeth] Yeah! Valdeen!

 

[David] Valdeen's a gunslinger and um he is not level dipped in anything else, so it's pretty straightforward

 

[James] 'Kay

 

[David] level five is awesome for a gunslinger

 

[Amanda] yes!

 

[David] you get- you get gun training, which is an amazing just part of the the built-in feats for gunslinger; I add dexterity bonus now to my damage.

 

[Amanda] Yes!

 

[David] Which I did- my damage has been kind of like okay: now, it's going to be unbelievable, which is great, it's so much fun; I'm so ready for that. Um, I also picked up rapid reload.

 

[James] good choice

 

[Amanda] mmhmm

 

[David] I can reload faster now.

 

[James] Yeah

 

[David] it's um it's awesome.

 

[James] yeah. So, instead of a round per shot, right?

 

[David] If I need to reload my gun, I can reload as a free action.

 

[James] nice

 

[David] which is fantastic

 

[James] That is really fantastic

 

[Amanda] Yeah, that is so much needed

 

[Elizabeth] That is so much faster

 

[David] So, I can at least shoot every round

 

[James] yeah, that's really good

 

[David] which, once I'm out of bullets that are already loaded, yep, reloading is faster.

 

[James] That's really good

 

[David] Yep. Oh, I got a bunch of hit points and stuff, too, but that's-

 

[James] Oh, nice

 

[David] -don't worry about that.

 

[James (laughs)] uh, who wants to go next?

 

[Elizabeth] I can go next.

 

[Amanda] Yeah, let's go in order

 

[James] all right, let's just go down- let's just go in order

 

[Elizabeth] So, Vasilisa, at level five, the big thing for witches is that they get to unlock third-level spells

 

[James] Ehhh!

 

[Amanda] Nice

 

[Elizabeth] Yeah

 

[David] Alright

 

[Elizabeth] So, I can't actually-

 

[Amanda] like remove curse?

 

[Amanda and David laugh]

 

[Elizabeth] Yes- Yeah. I may have taken that particular spell

 

[Amanda] yes. Yay!

 

[Elizabeth] planned ahead, if you will. So, I can't cast any of them, yet

 

[Amanda] of course

 

[Elizabeth] because I haven't prepared spells at level five, but I'm gonna have some more spells, they're gonna be fancy, some of them are pretty cool. I did also get my level 5 feat: I picked Harrowed, which means once per day I get to draw a Harrow card because you know I'm just so tied to the Harrow. My card for the day gives me a bonus based off of what the suit of the card is. So, each suit of the Harrow deck matches with a different ability (dexterity, constitution, whatever)-

 

[James] mhm

 

[Elizabeth] I forgot to do it--I'll- I'll probably do it at the start of this combat--but I get to be like 'bam! This is my Harrow card for the day, let's go!'

 

[David] nice

 

[Amanda] sweet

 

[James] very cool

 

[Elizabeth] The power of the cards!

 

[James (singing)] do-do-do-do! Heart of the cards!

 

[Elizabeth] Heart of the cards!

 

[James] Marge

 

[Amanda] Well, a couple of good things from Marge: one, I put a rank in linguistics so I can actually speak and understand Skald [laughs] which-

 

[James] nice

 

[Amanda] -seems to be an important thing in this part of the country, yeah

 

[David] I- I did that, too

 

[James] a little important

 

[David] I did that for Valdeen, yeah

 

[Amanda] a little important. So, that is one reason why she was able to understand that they're talking about Thora.

 

[James] Yeah, that's right, we- we talked a bit about that

 

[Amanda] yeah

 

[Zac] she's been immersed for a while

 

[Amanda] it's- been immersed for a while and catching not- not fully, I would think, fluid in the language, obviously, because it hasn't been that long, but understanding--can- picking up words here and there, I was able to get the gist of what was going on, which you know made all the difference in this combat. And then um my level five feat, I went with mounted combat and that allows me to absorb a hit that would normally hit Ghost if I do a successful ride check and Ii get a bonus feat at level six and- and so this is a setup for what I'm gonna be taking at level six, um, so I'm excited about that.

 

[James] nice

 

[Amanda] but it's going to be a while before we level up again, but at least I'm set up for-

 

[James] yeah

 

[Amanda] -a really cool feat next level!

 

[Elizabeth] thinking ahead

 

[Amanda] thinking ahead! But now-

 

[James] Yeah, it's gonna be awhile

 

[Amanda] -that she doesn't- she doesn't have another ratfolk to- to, like my whole character build was-

 

[Elizabeth] I can't tell if we're gonna die before level six or-

 

[Zac] yeah, is that because you're gonna kill her...

 

[Elizabeth] -level up really quickly. I can't tell!

 

[laughter]

 

[David] Yeah, or are we- we're gonna level up after this fight

 

[Zac] I was trying to read your face...

 

[Amanda] Right- right, exactly. But um oh yeah-

 

[David] He's winking

 

[Amanda] we just got a wink from the GM

 

[James] I'm an enigma. Don't-

 

[David] wrapped in a mystery?

 

[Zac] We already know that we're two levels higher than we're supposed to be...

 

[James] I'm an enigma wrapped in bacon, coated in powdered sugar.

 

[Amanda laughs]

 

[James] Continue

 

[Amanda] so but yeah, I've had to really kind of rethink the direction Marge's character is going in as far as feats um because her original build was based off of having Norm around

[James and David] Right

 

[Amanda] and their interaction together in combat. Um and so she was really set up to be an aide and a backup for Norm's character and now she has to kind of shift gears and so-

 

[Zac] Where is Norm?

 

[Elizabeth laughs, ending on a sad note]

 

[James] Three feet under

 

[Amanda] He's still out there somewhere

 

[Zac] That's enough

 

[David] He's- he's at the lodge

 

[Zac] That's far enough

 

[Elizabeth] That's right, we buried him as deep as he is tall

 

[laughter]

 

[Zac] Just waiting for us back at the lodge

 

[Amanda] Three feet under...Um but yeah so- so I'm- I'm definitely gearing more towards my mount and cavalier and uh and, you know, riding Ghost

 

[David] nice

 

[Amanda] and that'll be fun to play with that more. That's me!

 

[James] very cool, very cool. And uh what about Bolka? What does a fifth level cleric get?

 

[Zac] I wouldn't know

 

[James] Yeah, that's right.

 

[David] Oh

 

[James] Talk to us about Bolka.

 

[Zac] uh, so all I get is more spell slots of my regular spells

 

[James] so, here's a question um that I am interested in knowing: at what level did Bolka take the level dip?

 

[Zac] first

 

[James] first? okay

 

[Amanda and David] ooooo

 

[Zac] if, story-wise-

 

[James] That's what I thought

 

[Zac] Story-wise, it's first

 

[James] yeah

 

[Zac] as long as--is it possible to, for your favorite class, to be your second class?

 

[Elizabeth] yeah, it is, absolutely

 

[James] Absolutely

 

[Zac] okay, then, yeah; then it was [bleep] first and

 

[Elizabeth gasps]

 

[Amanda] You gave it away!

 

[Elizabeth] I can't unhear it

 

[Zac] Well, that doesn't have to go on the final recording

 

[David and James laugh]

 

[Elizabeth] I can't unhear it!

 

[Amanda] Zac!

 

[Zac] I know James knows and I'm talking to James; you guys are--were you guys eavesdropping?

 

[David, Elizabeth and Amanda laugh]

 

[James] Well, here's the thing, like, even if we keep it in, oracle is such a deep and varied class, that doesn't give away much

 

[Elizabeth] hee hee hee, I'm going to figure out his curse; I'm going to do it

 

[Zac] and it shares the exact same spell list with clerics

 

[James] oh man

 

[Zac] which is why no one would be able to figure it out

 

[James] yeah

 

[David] yeah

 

[Elizabeth] yeah, it's a divine spellcaster.

 

[James] Yeah

 

[David] yeah

 

[James] but

 

[David] it's very cool

 

[James] so, keep that in or not

 

[Zac] So, for those of you-

 

[Elizabeth] but what's his curse? what's his mystery?

 

[Zac] So, for those of you sitting at the table-

 

[Elizabeth] It's a mystery. Your mystery is a mystery!

 

[Zac] Do you want to keep that? I mean, we could do that.

 

[David] I'm okay with whatever you want to do. This is cool

 

[Amanda] so, your first level class... mystery

 

[Elizabeth] I'm just low-key going to be trying to figure out your curse this whole time, not gonna lie.

 

[Zac] The curse is pretty cool. I don't know how often it's gonna come up

 

[David] because the- oracles are cursed, right?

 

[Elizabeth] yeah

 

[Zac] we're cursed and we're mysterious

 

[David] Right

 

[Elizabeth] They have a curse and a mystery

 

[David] Yeah

 

[James] and archetypes

 

[David] well, also, he's not a regular dwarf, either, which I think might have to do with it.

 

[Zac] I-

 

[David] which is really cool

 

[Zac] I'm a really peculiar dwarf

 

[James] Yeah

 

[Amanda] very peculiar [kind of laughing as she speaks]

 

[David] He's a [Amanda joins in] 'dwarf'

 

[David] Right?

 

[Amanda laughs, says] quote unquote

 

[Elizabeth] Have I seen Bolka bleed, yet?

 

[James] He's not like other dwarves

 

[David] Well

 

[Elizabeth, musing to herself] Black-blooded

 

[David] He's...different

 

[Zac] I do keep saying things like, 'oh, he looks like a normal dwarf' or-

 

[David] uh-huh

 

[Zac] 'he's about as tall as a dwarf'

 

[David] Yep

 

[Zac] kind of like referencing to that race

 

[David] Yup

 

[Amanda] but not outright saying 'he's a dwarf,' yeah

 

[David] oooh

 

[Amanda, laughing] So, there's two layers to this mystery of Bolka: class and race

 

[David] I like this mystery

 

[Zac] but at the odd levels coming up, you will be able to figure it out more because every, for the next three feats I'm taking, are all racial feats.

 

[Elizabeth gasps]

 

[David] oh

 

[James] Exciting

 

[Zac] So, for the next for the next six levels, like, he's just gonna become more and more-

 

[David] what he is

 

[Zac] Like, whatever the hell he is

 

[Amanda] whatever the race he is

 

[Elizabeth laughs]

 

[David] More of what he is. Okay

 

[Zac] And I think he's gonna live. He's a- he's a strong healer; I think he might be able to survive a few more levels and hopefully we'll get to some of those. I really want to get to those feats

 

[Amanda] I know

 

[David] I like it

 

[James] okay, let's play!

 

[Elizabeth] Alright, moving on

 

[James] Moving on: Marge

 

[Amanda] yeah

 

[James] you decided to spring into action. You are the only person acting in this surprise round

 

[Zac] and I gotta ask: I'm not- I don't really listen to the show; I'm not a fan, but um [laughter] in the last episode-

 

[James] You'd be surprised how common that is. There's like, what? seven billion people? and we have like-

 

[Zac] 10

 

[James] [muffled]-50 that listen to us

 

[David] We're uncommon, still

 

[Elizabeth] Hey!

 

[Zac] and like- and like 10 that actually enjoy it

 

[Elizabeth] Hey, hey

 

[David] we're growing! we have potential

 

[Elizabeth] We have like 200 listeners

 

[James] I said 250.

 

[Elizabeth] oh

 

[David] there's potential

 

[Elizabeth] Shit. I heard 50

 

[James] thank you for correcting me down to 200

 

[Elizabeth] Damn it

 

[Amanda laughs]

 

[James] 'hey, hey: we aren't that good!'

 

[Amanda] and we're all part of the 200.

 

[Elizabeth laughs]

 

[Zac] but I reiterate, only about a dozen that actually enjoy the show.

 

[Elizabeth keeps laughing & Amanda joins in]

 

[David] oh, come on!

 

[Zac] The rest of them just listen to be polite

 

[Elizabeth] We love you dozen patrons! Heart

 

[David] heart

 

[Amanda] woo-hoo!

 

[Zac] heart

 

[James] What were you saying?

 

[David] Yeah, what's up?

 

[Elizabeth] Yeah, sorry, go ahead

 

[James] What's going on, Zac?

 

[Zac] My question was: I don't remember who it was that specifically said--both of them were talking--but which one was it that specifically was like, 'oh yeah, Thora's soul-'

 

[Amanda] Herstag

 

[Elizabeth] Herstig

 

[James] Herstig, yeah

 

[Zac] It was Herstig that said that?

 

[Elizabeth] It was Herstig Orlov

 

[James] Yeah, and that's- yeah

 

[Zac] mentioned Thora's soul?

 

[James] - that's gonna-

 

[Amanda] Yeah, and that's exactly who I'm--I mean, what's who I'm closest to anyway, and that is who I'm going to attack

 

[Elizabeth] It's basically a pounce attack

 

[James] Ok, go for it

 

[Amanda] Um, so yes, I would tell Ghost to move and Ghost would take--I mean, it's just a five foot step to get up to Herstig, so

 

[James] Yep. yep yep yep

 

[Amanda] five foot step

 

[James] cool

 

[Elizabeth faux-yells] aaaah!

 

[Amanda, as Marge] "I've had just about enough of this place!"

 

[Elizabeth] Surprise! Ghost moved forward

 

[Amanda] Surprise! Ghost moved five feet

 

[Elizabeth] We're ready; we're in position

 

[James] uh, so Ghost moves five feet towards Herstig and we go to the top of round one. Valdeen

 

[David] I'm actually torn between Valdeen shooting Herstig right now and waiting and just holding.

 

[James] Cool. You should make that choice.

 

[David] I know.

 

[everyone laughs]

 

[Amanda] I mean-

 

[James] I- I like your thought process, though

 

[David laughs]

 

[Amanda] Marge didn't come out and say, 'I'm gonna kill you all.' She's just like, 'I've had just about enough of this place'

 

[David] right

 

[Amanda] and then Ghost steps forward five feet

 

[Elizabeth] she did also raise her sword as she moved forward

 

[David] True

 

[Elizabeth] but...

 

[David] So, part of it is Valdeen's mental state; he's been thinking about revenge ever since he saw um the face of Radosek

 

[James] right

 

[David] So he had been thinking of his past and the betrayal he faced and some of the things that have been going on so in- in his head, he's like, well he's here, he's also slightly in the past at the moment and he gets his gun out and he's going to shoot at Herstig. He's going to- he's going to level his gun and just aim across the sights and he's going to just let off a shot right at Herstig

 

[Amanda] Nice

 

[Zac, in Bolka's voice] My new best friend! No!

 

[laughter]

 

[David, as Valdeen] Sorry, Bolka

 

[Amanda] Come on, Bolka. You were going to kill her, too, right?

 

[Zac, as Bolka] No, we were getting so close and I wanted to ask her where she gets her hair done...

 

[Amanda and Elizabeth laugh]

 

[David] Alright, this is going to be a roll to attack against touch. Let's see, 14... does a 15 against touch hit?

 

[James] yeah, that hits

 

[David] okay. That's going to be 13 damage. [sound of a gunshot]

 

[James] excellent

 

[Elizabeth] oof

 

[Amanda] and a loud gunshot

 

[James] and a very loud gunshot

 

[David] Yes

 

[Amanda] rings throughout

 

[Elizabeth] pew pew

 

[James] chika-bow-wow

 

[Elizabeth] gunshot sound effect

 

[David] gunshots in the middle of the night, in the tower of ice

 

[Elizabeth] you know how like if ice cracks it kind of can sound like a gunshot?

 

[James] yep

 

[Amanda] yeah

 

[David] oh, maybe it's just ice, yeah

 

[Elizabeth] maybe they just think the tower's falling down, no biggie, no biggie

 

[David] and they all run and leave, yes!

 

[Amanda] Hey! [laughs]

 

[David] And then I'm not going to move; I'll stay right where I am, I'm good

 

[James] okay, perfect. I have to read something real quick. da-da-da-da-da [sing-songy humming as he reads]

 

[Elizabeth] I'm a little scared when he reads

 

[David] You know, it is disconcerting when he reads or rolls dice or does anything

 

[Elizabeth] Does everyone feel this way, when your game master just kind of pauses to consult anything

 

[Amanda] yeah

 

[Elizabeth] do you feel

 

[Amanda] a little scared [laughs]

 

[Elizabeth] a little bit, yeah, just like this- this fear seed has been planted in your chest and you're like, 'oh, [crap] that's never good.'

 

[David] a fear seed

 

[Elizabeth] That's never good

 

[David] Fear Seed is the name of my new alternative band

 

[Elizabeth] nice

 

[Zac] are they still making those? Alternative bands?

 

[David] They are, yeah.

 

[Amanda] aaah

 

[David] James is now moving about the room

 

[Elizabeth] James!

 

[Amanda] Aw, man, he's standing up. What is he doing?

 

[Elizabeth] It's scarier when you decide you have to move around. What are you doing?

 

[David] He's getting a separate chair. He's standing on the chair.

 

[Elizabeth] He's acquiring three chair- He's lifting a chair?

 

[David] He's shaking- he's shaking it, like to see what the weight is.

 

[Elizabeth] Oh, no; he's trying to decide how heavy chairs are. Shit. Is someone gonna-

 

[Zac] and if- if Herstig is, could-

 

[both Elizabeth and Zac] throw a chair at us

 

[Elizabeth] Are we about to get some WW-

 

[Zac (in an announcer voice)] 'oh, he's over the ropes!'

 

[Amanda] Reflex save?

 

[Elizabeth] -E? -F? F?

 

[James] um, hey, James- my name's James. I just did a real world uh test for a wooden chair

 

[David, laughing] no

 

[Amanda] they're heavy, aren't they?

 

[James] they're pretty heavy

 

[Amanda laughs]

 

[David] they're awkward, too

 

[Amanda] they are

 

[Zac] What is your strength in real life?

 

[Amanda] a plus-

 

[David] he's about like a fourth of a Herstig?

 

[James] I think I'm like plus one

 

[Elizabeth] nice. okay. okay, above average.

 

[James] I mean, I could look up- I could look up my strength chart and be like, 'yeah, I could lift that' or 'no, I couldn't lift that,' but uh I don't want to do that because I'm-

 

[Elizabeth] are you raging, James?

 

[James] no

 

[Elizabeth] what about when you're raging?

 

[Amanda laughs]

 

[David] okay

 

[James] When I'm raging, I think I'm just frustrated and crying, so...

 

[Elizabeth, laughing] aww. not a barbarian.

 

[James] I think everything goes down

 

[Amanda] yeah

 

[Zac] are you stronger than a hedgehog?

 

[laughter]

 

[James] mmm...yes

 

[Amanda] Marge isn't!

 

[more laughter]

 

[James] Uh, anyway, I think well, no, wooden chairs-

 

[Amanda] Well, no, strength, I'm fine

 

[James] -weigh like 25 pounds

 

[Amanda] yeah they're- these are pretty stout chairs we've got

 

[James] these are nice chairs. um, so Hatch has a wonderful move that I just read [David gasps, James continues] called telekinesis

 

[David] oooh, yeah

 

[James] -and he is going to uh fling a chair across the table at Herstig [magical sound effect]

 

[David] yes!

 

[Elizabeth] oh, shit!

 

[James] so it is a plus five to hit versus Herstig's flat-footed AC

 

[David] oh yeah

 

[Zac] I thought he was gonna fling the chair that she's sitting in

 

[James] Hatch hits

 

[Zac] That would be so much-

 

[Elizabeth] Well, that would be too much weight at that point

 

[Zac] No, but the chair would go and Herstig would just fall on her butt [laughs]

 

[James] um, so Hatch is going to deal a whopping two points of damage to Herstig

 

[Elizabeth, to Zac] I don't think that's how physics work, Zac

 

[Zac] magic!

 

[James] but she's very upset about that

 

[Elizabeth laughs]

 

[James] um, so that was cool. Way to go, Hatch! [laughter]

 

[Elizabeth] Take that!

 

[James] and now we get to go to-

 

[Zac] Uh-oh, he's got more clips

 

[James] -Gardhek.

 

[Elizabeth] I mean, if it happened quickly enough, maybe she thinks that that damage and loud noise was just the chair, not a bullet

 

[At same time, Amanda says] Who?

 

[James] Gardhek

 

[Amanda, trying to repeat the name] Gardhek

 

[David] Garlic?

 

[James, annunciating more clearly] Gard-hek

 

[Elizabeth] Gardhek

 

[James] It's their turn

 

[Elizabeth] Is that fake Argentea?

 

[James] That's fake Argentea!

 

[Amanda] Alright

 

[Zac] I know her!

 

[Elizabeth] ohhhh!

 

[James] bwa-ba-ba-booooow [makes a sound like a celebratory horn; Amanda laughs] Okay, so wonderful fake Argentea, Gardhek

 

[Elizabeth] I'm just gonna call her fake Belor-with-her-mask-on

 

[David] Oh boy

 

[James] Cooool

 

[Elizabeth] Make it more complicated

 

[Amanda chuckles]

 

[Zac] At least Belor had the decency to wear a mask

 

[Elizabeth] Lady Argentea 3.0

 

[Amanda and David laugh]

 

[James] uh, Gardhek is going to leap out of her chair towards Valdeen. She'll take a five foot step as a free action and then she's going to-

 

[David] Bring it on!

 

[James] -uh, her like beautifully painted fingernails like grow [everyone gasps] and they bleed out of her fingers a little bit [another gasp, and David makes sound of disgust; James continues], kind of like um Sabertooth

 

[Amanda laughs as she says] eww

 

[Elizabeth, covering her mouth] She's not human, is she?

 

[James] No

 

[David] No

 

[James] Of course not

 

[David] not at all

 

[James] um and she's gonna claw Valdeen. Valdeen, are you ready?

 

[David] I'm ready

 

[Elizabeth laughs] oh, no

 

[James] She swipes at you with her two claws for ten to hit

 

[David] Nope, that's a miss

 

[James] Okay, so 10, 10; I rolled two twos for that

 

[David] ooo

 

[James] um, so she misses [makes two slashing sounds] maybe catches a little bit of your shirt, I have no idea what your AC is. Marge!

 

[Elizabeth] Woah, I've had ladies claw at my clothes before

 

[David laughs]

 

[Amanda] It's my turn!

 

[James] So, Herstig is now like-

 

[David, responding to Elizabeth, laughing] Very true

 

[James] -you see in her eyes that she's registering what's happening, uh, but she hasn't had a chance to act, yet. What do you do?

 

[Amanda] Marge is going to yell as a swift action [as Marge] I'm gonna get you!

 

[James] yay

 

[Elizabeth] the standard Marge challenge we all know and love

 

[Amanda] the standard Marge challenge. Uh, that which means all of my allies get a plus two when they are attacking Herstig

 

[David] Okay

 

[James] Hell yeah

 

[Amanda] and then she's going to swipe with her sword

 

[David] Nice

 

[James] yeah, swipe it. Swipe right bitch

 

[David laughs]

 

[Amanda] That is going to be a 20 to hit

 

[James] Fuck, get boned, Herstig. [Amanda laughs. James continues] Please, continue to murder her.

 

[Amanda] uh, 13 points of slashing damage, and Ghost will take a bite.

 

[James] Do it.

[Amanda] That's an 18 to hit

 

[James] Hit

 

[Amanda] Uh, seven points of damage and attempt to grapple-

 

[James] She's limp. [Elizabeth and Amanda gasp]

 

[Amanda] Nice

 

[James] You can auto grapple if you want

 

[Amanda] um, yeah

 

[James] She goes limp like she gets hit by a chair and she looks up and then like you slash her-

 

[Amanda] Marge just lashes her

 

[James] -and then Ghost bites her and she just goes plop. You want to grapple the dead body? I mean, the knocked-out body?

 

[Amanda] I mean, I think that that's what would end up happening

 

[James] okay, cool. Just wanted to check, cool

 

[Amanda] is that Ghost would grab on and keep grabbing on, yeah

 

[James] Uh, so that happens. Let me-

 

[Amanda] Which means-

 

[Zac] CON drain

 

[Amanda] -CON drain

 

[James] Oh, yeah; do that. That's important.

 

[Amanda] That is important. So it's a 1d2 CON damage, so it's going to be a one. One CON damage

 

[James] One CON damage

 

[Zac] Still, that can make a difference!

 

[Amanda] It can for sure

 

[James] Anyway, Herstig has to roll a CON save now

 

[David] okay

 

[James] because she's knocked out. um, and I know the result of that, and we move on to Vrixx.

 

[Elizabeth] Gee thanks, James

 

[James] What?

 

[Zac] That's how it should go

 

[James] That's how it works!

 

[Elizabeth] I know, I know; it's great, it's just like I was ready. I was ready for a result and now I'll never know. I'll never know

 

[James] Let me see...Can Vrixx do anything cool that I might have missed before? um

 

[Elizabeth] Secretly, he's a bard

 

[David] he can make people sleep

 

[Elizabeth] and he gives us all inspiration

 

[James] He's gonna fly and he's gonna land on top of Bolka's head and he's gonna go [as Vrixx] Fucking get 'em, man! [describes] and he is going to roll to aid on your next attack!

 

[Amanda, laughing] aww

 

[David] oooo

 

[James] he fails!

 

[Amanda] Ahhh

 

[James] uh he got a three

 

[David] he tried

 

[James] but he tried

 

[Elizabeth] ahhh, baby

 

[James] and you probably don't like him hanging out in your halo, so

 

[Zac] yeah because my- if he's on my head, that- I do have my halo on right now

 

[James] Yeah, he's like sitting in the middle of it and he's like dancing all sexily and being like [as Vrixx] Yeah, get 'em! Yeah, fucking go! [continues as GM] Uh, Vasilisa, it's your turn.

 

[David laughs]

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] Oh, dermo, I was not ready for this. [describes] uh, I'm going to start by using a free action to be super fast with my deck and draw a card. [someone makes a card draw sound effect] The Liar [David gasps, Elizabeth continues to describe] which is a card from the suit of crowns. Crowns are for Charisma

 

[Zac] is it just like-

 

[Amanda] Charisma

 

[David] Okay

 

[Elizabeth] so that means I get a plus two on a Charisma check today.

 

[Amanda] Nice!

 

[Elizabeth] That's my Harrowed draw for the day.

 

[Zac] For those of you who cannot see the card, it is not a small harp; it is a snake woman

 

[Amanda] Yes

 

[Elizabeth] otherwise known as a lamia

 

[Amanda] Yes. She's holding a dead bouquet of flowers

 

[Elizabeth] If you've ever played Rise of the Runelords, just think of those lamia bitches

 

[Amanda] Yeah

 

[David] Yep, I remember- Rise of the Runelords, mhmm

 

[Amanda] Oh, Ghel hated that lamia so much

 

[Elizabeth] You remember them, those snake bitches

 

[David and Amanda make sounds of assent]

 

[James] Yeah, them snake hoes

 

[Amanda] Killed my brother! [laughs]

 

[Zac] You killed me!

 

[Elizabeth] I will continue to hold The Liar. I will say [as Vasilisa] Oh, you fake Argenea, you are definitely a liar, so this card is for you.

 

[Amanda] nice

 

[Elizabeth] and I will cast ill omen on the card because-

 

[James] okay

 

[Elizabeth] -that's just like one of the only spells I have left today; I've had a day [Zac chuckles, Elizabeth continues] and I will chuck my ill omen-imbued card at this uh woman who looks like Lady Argentea, whose name Vasilisa does not know.

 

[David] True

 

[Amanda] Get her, Lisa!

 

[Zac] I see two digits on that die

 

[Amanda] There's a lot of 11's going on today

 

[Elizabeth] I rolled an 11, which is actually when I add my bonuses-

 

[Zac] This die goes to 11.

 

[Elizabeth sighs, David and Amanda laugh]

 

[Elizabeth] There's a- mmm- so that is a 17 to hit

 

[James] That'll hit

 

[Elizabeth] Does it hit her regular AC or just touch?

 

[James] It hits her regular AC

 

[Zac] Geez

 

[Elizabeth] Oh, guess who's getting slashed with card damage, then?

 

[Amanda] Nice

 

[Elizabeth] Oh, I'm gonna roll a d4 against this bitch!

 

[James] Do it!

 

[Zac] Paper cut, paper cut!

 

[Amanda] Yeah, right? [laughs]

 

[Elizabeth] Oh, she is taking three whole damages

 

[David] yeah yeah

 

[Elizabeth] piercing, for some reason, even though you'd think it would be-

 

[Zac] It's not slashing?

 

[Elizabeth] -slashing.

 

[James] yeah

 

[David] okay

 

[Zac] Are they sharpened corners on the cards or something?

 

[Amanda] Apparently [laughs]

 

[Elizabeth] I don't know, I don't make these decisions, someone else wrote these rules, guys

 

[James] So, what happens?

 

[Elizabeth] And then, I look at what ill omen does because I haven't cast a spell for a little while. [clears throat, Zac chuckles. Elizabeth continues] Fake Argentea has bad luck. She's going to need to not get a saving throw [makes a sound of a celebratory trumpet while the same actual sound effect plays, bwa-bwa-bwa-bwaaa], but does she have spell resistance?

 

[James] No, she doesn't, but she-

 

[Elizabeth] Oh, what a fucking loser!

 

[James] What kind of effect is this?

 

[Elizabeth] What a loser! For the next five rounds or until it is discharged, on the next d20 roll this target makes, she's gonna have to roll twice and take the less favorable result.

 

[James] That's awesome

 

[Elizabeth] What an idiot

 

[James] What kind of spell effect is this?

 

[Elizabeth] uh, it is enchantment compulsion curse mind-affecting

 

[James] Nice

 

[Zac] Wow

 

[Amanda laughs]

 

[James] Cool

 

[Amanda] That's a lot.

 

[Elizabeth] Here's the thing, though: I have five caster levels, so she gets ill omen twice. I'm level five bitches! [makes the horn sound again as the other players cheer] So, that means her next two d20 roles are unlucky 'cause she's dumb. Yeah, the luck's on our side. Fortune for me, ill omen for you! The- the end. Good job, me. That will definitely-

 

[Amanda, as Marge] Yay Lisa!

 

[David, as Valdeen] Way to go

 

[Elizabeth] -be helpful, right? Yeah. Yeah? That's my last-

 

[Zac] I mean, I think she's probably gonna die before she has to roll any more d20s

 

[Elizabeth] -not-burning-hands spell of the day.

 

[David] Yeah

 

[Elizabeth] Bolka!

 

[James] Bolka, you're up

 

[David] Hello

 

[Zac] I don't know how I'll want to play this.

 

[James] That's fair.

 

[Zac] Like, I don't even care: I'll take a penalty. um

 

[James] Cool [Zac laughs, James continues] I'm okay with this train of thought.

 

[Zac] So, when you level us up--normally when, people don't level up until they rest, but you level us up a little bit early and say 'okay, the only thing is you don't get your spells.' So, what I did to get around this is, at level five, I took a feat that converts one of my spell-like abilities that I already had-

 

[James] mhm

 

[Zac] -into something else

 

[James] That's smart

 

[David] ooo

 

[Amanda] Nice

 

[Zac] So, it is my daylight spell

 

[James] okay

 

[Zac] which normally I can cast, um, and it converts my daylight spell into: I can reach out with the palm of my hand and point my the palm of my hand at something and fire my daylight spell out of me

 

[James] That's pretty cool

 

[David] That's awesome

 

[Zac] At Belor

 

[James] Belor, yeah

 

[Zac laughs, continues] at bloody Belor

 

[James] Bloody Blur [deliberately mispronouncing 'Belor']

 

[Zac] and and and Bolka's just like, the fingernails coming out and the- and the blood and everything, and seeing that: it's like, he's already was bothered by Vasilisa's blood drinking [Elizabeth giggles, Zac continues] and by Marge's sleep stabbing--you're stabbing in your sleep again [Amanda and David laugh, Zac continues]--and and you know, he he definitely felt like this was a lesser of two evils thing, and-- but now, just hearing that not only was Thora killed, but like her soul is being punished on top of that, like, that crosses a line. And maybe like- maybe it is the lesser of two evils a little, but Thora was good and pure and that's one thing he can be sure about and know. Like, he doesn't know whose side he's on, but he's definitely on Thora's side. Um, so he is gonna fire that- that blast of just radiant sunlight out of his hand, but also with his left hand I wanna swat at Vrixx; I wanna knock Vrixx off my head.

 

[James] That's cool

 

[David] oh

 

[Zac] Alright, and then this just radiant ray of light [magical sound effect] flies out of my hand and flies right past fake Belor.

 

[James] Okay. pshew psh-psh-psh-pshew [makes ray-like shooting sounds]

 

[James, as Vrixx] Hey, what the fuck, man? What are you doing?

 

[Zac] Vrixx is distracting me

 

[James] That's fair. Top of round two, Valdeen

 

[David] Time to fire off another shot. Oh yeah, we-

 

[James] Fire a bullet

 

[David chuckles]

 

[Amanda and Elizabeth, singing the same words, but different notes] Fire away, fire away [both start laughing]

 

[Zac, in Bolka's voice] We have rights to none of these songs!

 

[Elizabeth] I like that we started singing [Amanda and Elizabeth together] the same song [Elizabeth continues] but at different points

 

[David] Right?

 

[Elizabeth laughs]

 

[David, in Valdeen's voice] We're all going to get sued for these [unclear word, voice-over?] songs you keep using here.

 

[Amanda, in southern accent mimicking Valdeen's] Alright, Valdeen, if you say so.

 

[David, as Valdeen] Alright, so- so, listen, that's a 29 against your touch, there.

 

[James] Yeah

 

[David, as Valdeen] How's that do?

 

[James] Good

 

[David, as Valdeen] That does good?

 

[James] It does good

 

[David, as Valdeen] Alright. [gunshot sound] So that's, uh, ten points of damage there.

 

[James, whistles, says] Okay

 

[David] That's it

 

[James] That's it. That's a good turn.

 

[David] Yep

 

[James] Uh, Hatch is gonna go. He's gonna use his tel-o-ko-nesis again, uh, and that is going to miss as another chair kind of flies uh past her from the other side of the table and it smashes against the wall. And then we're going to go to fake Belor, fake Argentea, with the super spooky claws, who's going to full withdraw

 

[Elizabeth gasps]

 

[Amanda] Oh no

 

[David, as Valdeen] That's right, run, bitch!

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] Oy lo!

 

[Amanda] Oh

 

[Elizabeth] Sorry, that was the wrong language

 

[James] and she's gonna full withdraw over to the green dot, yeah, she's gonna run to the other end of the table

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa, gasps and says] She's trying to portal away!

 

[James] Uh, and she gets over there and she speaks the incantation [Elizabeth gasps, James continues] and the portal glows. Marge, it's your turn.

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] This is most terrible.

 

[Amanda] Okay

 

[Elizabeth, whispering] Oh, shit

 

[Amanda] I would like to, if I could, whether it's a ride or an acrobatics check, jump off of the back of Ghost so I'm on the table.

 

[Elizabeth] I just realized: the incantation we learned was all geared at like going to the next level, going upwards. Do we know the incantation to get back down?

 

[David] It's the same; it's gotta be the same one

 

[Elizabeth] because the incantation is all like 'I want to go to the dining hall'

 

[James] You know, that's something that they didn't give me in the book

 

[Elizabeth] But I don't want to go to the dining hall, I want to go back down to the barracks

 

[James] But even if you guys don't know it, you just heard her say it

 

[Amanda] That's true

 

[Elizabeth] Fact. That's true.

 

[Zac] I memorize what she just said.

 

[Elizabeth] Do we need to do, like, a perception check for 'did we hear what she said well enough'?

 

[James] uh, sure

 

[David laughs]

 

[Elizabeth] I'm sorry, guys! I was just thinking about-

 

[David] No, we heard it just fine! Just cut that part out

 

[Elizabeth] I was checking my notes, and I was like, wait, my notes don't tell me-

 

[James] She screams "Bitch, take me to the bottom!"

 

[Elizabeth and Amanda laugh]

 

[Elizabeth] Oh, cyka!

 

[Amanda] Now Ghost is a medium creature, so I- I would assume that I'm not too far between Ghost's back and the tabletop to be-

 

[David, quietly] This episode...

 

[Amanda] -close.

 

[James] I mean, it's close. I'm just looking what a dismount is-

 

[Elizabeth] 'Bitch, Take Me to the Bottom': episode title

 

[David laughs]

 

[Amanda] It's a ride check, usually

 

[James] Right, but what kind of action?

 

[Amanda] Gotcha

 

[Elizabeth, laughing] Sorry

 

[Zac] If you were good, I bet it'd be a move. I bet there's-

 

[Elizabeth] Ohh-ho-ho-hooo! [laughs, David and Amanda joining in]

 

[Zac] No, I mean, I bet there's some level like, 'at level 12, you can do a dismount as a move now'

 

[Amanda] Well, here, even if it is a move, I wouldn't- I would still not be able to reach-

 

[Elizabeth] 'If you were good' [laughs]

 

[David] So, couldn't you, like- I mean, you're trying to do- you're trying to do an acrobatics, right? It's an acrobatics check you're trying to do, right? To tack- tackle the person?

 

[Amanda] Well, and I'm wondering if it might not be better to stay on the back of Ghost and just go around the table because I could reach her-

 

[James] it's a free action

 

[Amanda] Well, I'm thinking, I- Oh, it's a free action?

 

[James] yeah, give me a ride check

 

[sound of a die roll, Amanda] 25.

 

[James] Yeah, you're fine

 

[Elizabeth, softly] Jesus Christ

 

[James] So, if you-

 

[Amanda] I have a base 10

 

[James] If you get hit off of your mount, you can do a ride check to do a soft fall, which is free, which means you land on your feet, and that's only a 15.

 

[Amanda] Right

 

[James] So, you're doing it intentionally, so you're fine, yeah. You hop off and you're on the table. Now, what do you want to do?

 

[Amanda] I'm-

 

[Elizabeth] Flinging yourself at fake Argentea?

 

[Amanda] Yeah... but, I'm second guessing what I'm doing

 

[Elizabeth] I believe in you, Amanda/Marge!

 

[Zac and Amanda laugh]

 

[Amanda] Well, then, um--only put Marge on here--it is going- I can move easily to where fake Argentea is

 

[James] Yep, that's like 15 feet

 

[Amanda] Yep

 

[Elizabeth] And you're like taller than her because you're standing on a table

 

[Amanda] No, I'm about the same height as her because I'm small

 

[Elizabeth] oh, yeah, but like, I'm imagining that she's not probably six feet tall?

 

[Amanda] Yeah

 

[Zac] Is she, is she facing the portal? Is Marge about to stab her in the back?

 

[James] Yes 100%

 

[Elizabeth] Yesss

 

[Amanda] I mean, Marge isn't going to let her get away because if she gets away, whoa! [sound of die rolling]

 

[Zac] Cracked die, cracked die!

 

[Elizabeth] that's bad

 

[Amanda laughs, says] All right, here we go, I'm going to attack

 

[Elizabeth] Marge is just smart, okay?

 

[Amanda and Elizabeth] Yes

 

[Amanda] You saw that, huh?

 

[Elizabeth] I did, yes

 

[Amanda and Elizabeth laugh]

 

[Amanda] It's gonna be a 27.

 

[James] Yeah, that hits. Give me that sweet sweet dam-o-geez

 

[Amanda] uh, that's gonna be six damage.

 

[James] okay

 

[Amanda, softly] Damn it [continues normally] um, and Ghost is actually--it's Ghost's turn

 

[James] mhm

 

[David] Do it, Ghost!

 

[Amanda] and Ghost can move around to the table

 

[James] okay

 

[Amanda] and attack

 

[Elizabeth] Bite that bitch!

 

[David] Yup! Pin him down

 

[Amanda] Maybe, we'll see. Seventeen

 

[James] Uh, 17 hits. So, Ghost drops, uh, Herstig?

 

[Zac] oh, yeah

 

[Elizabeth] yeah

 

[Amanda] Yeah

 

[Zac] She would have to have

 

[Amanda] Right

 

[James] Cool, cool

 

[Elizabeth] Ghost is like, 'what? I'm not supposed to hold this woman, anymore? We're biting that one? Okay.'

 

[Amanda] uh, five points of damage and an attempt to grapple

 

[James] okay

 

[sound of die rolling]

 

[Amanda and Zac make sounds of dismay] oh

 

[Amanda] That's not as good as I'd like it to be: that's only gonna be a nine

 

[James] Yeah, that fails.

 

[Amanda] Yeah, dang it.

 

[James] Vrixx's turn [as Vrixx] Hey, what the fuck, man? I'm just trying-- fine! Fuck you! [describes] and Vrixx will fly over to Marge-

 

[Zac] Go aid somebody else!

 

[James] Yeah. And then-

 

[Elizabeth] Oh, no, the only person who likes him less than Bolka

 

[James] uh and rolls to aid

 

[Amanda] Oh!

 

[Elizabeth] ooo, he's gonna aid you! That's smart, actually. Good job, Vrixx.

 

[James] That's all he can do

 

[Elizabeth] it's a good plan!

 

[James] He's just a little guy

 

[Zac laughs]

 

[Elizabeth] Aid someone who can actually do something

 

[Amanda] Yeah, but it's going to be her turn before-

 

[James] Uh, he fails

 

[Amanda] He fails?

 

[Elizabeth] You know what, I like to think that Vrixx was like, 'wait, I can't hit people, but I just distracted Bolka. Maybe I can distract the enemy!' and that's how he aids people is that he flies up and he's like 'haha look I'm gonna I'm- I'm a really irritating little guy, woah'

 

[Amanda laughs]

 

[James] So, yeah, I like that a lot, actually

 

[Elizabeth] That's how he aids

 

[James] So what Vrixx does is he flies over and he like goes between the mirror and uh this fake Lady Argentea and he's like [as Vrixx] You're gonna get stabbed through the heart and then I'm gonna eat it.

 

[Amanda and David laugh]

 

[David] That's dark

 

[Zac] Like, aiding the attack by trash talking the target

 

[James] Yeah...Vasilisa, you're up!

 

[David] He's like a mascot

 

[James] Yeah, he's a good guy.

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] Oh, what is even going on in here? [describes] I would like to do a knowledge check

 

[James] Okay

 

[Elizabeth] for what the fuck this fake Lady Argentea is

 

[James] oooo

 

[Zac] Do a knowledge check for bloody fingernails?

 

[Amanda] Yeah

 

[Elizabeth] I saw her grow weird claws, so I'm like, 'wait, she's not human, is she? huh.' Knowledge...something I hope I have. Planes? Arcana? Relig- local?

 

[James] Nature.

 

[Elizabeth] Nature. That is a 15.

 

[James] What do you want to know? You get one thing.

 

[Elizabeth] What is she?

 

[James] She is a doppelganger

 

[Elizabeth and Amanda gasp]

 

[Elizabeth, softly] a doppelganger

 

[James] Yep.

 

[Elizabeth] Wait, is a doppelganger the same as a faceless?

 

[James] No.

 

[Elizabeth] They're different, right?

 

[James] They are different. When they change shape, they can actually take on the memories and the mannerisms and all of the spell-like and special abilities of the people they copy.

 

[Amanda] Oh

 

[David] Woah

 

[Elizabeth] Good thing Lady Argentea doesn't have any spell-like special abilities.

 

[James] Yeah, she's not a tenth level wizard.

 

[Amanda laughs]

 

[Elizabeth] Yeah, thank goodness.

 

[James] Why would you think that?

 

[Elizabeth] Thank goodness

 

[Amanda] because you told us she was like a brawler, barroom brawler

 

[Elizabeth] Yeah, you told us that.

 

[James] But is this Argentea or Belor? Which one did they capture?

 

[Elizabeth, laughs, says] Oh, did they copy Belor, who's definitely a 10th level wizard, guys

 

[David] Oh

 

[David and Amanda laugh]

 

[Elizabeth] we learned that about her real fast by how scared she was of a random witch

 

[David] right?

 

[James] Anyway, you know you know they're a doppelganger, you know they can steal people's lives.

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] Oh, you stupid lying doppelganger woman! [describes] I'm going to let my paranoia get the better of me; I'm going to step forward

 

[James] okay

 

[Elizabeth] to where Herstig's body is and I would like to just do a heal check for my turn and be like [as Vasilisa] is Herstig dead?

 

[James] give me a perception

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] Is she dead-dead? [sound of a die rolling, Elizabeth says] 19.

 

[James] She's stable

 

[Elizabeth gasps, as Vasilisa] This bitch! [describes] I don't exactly-

 

[James] -pull out a card and slit her throat?

 

[David] Yes!

 

[Elizabeth] I mean, that's not-

 

[David] Then you can get her blood! [laughs]

 

[Elizabeth] -how they work. It technically takes like a swift action to imbue my cards with enough magic that they can actually do damage

 

[James] Oh, okay, so can't do that

 

[Elizabeth] So, I'm going to-

 

[James] Choke her out.

 

[Amanda laughs]

 

[Elizabeth] Um-

 

[James] What do you do? Sorry. Please

 

[Elizabeth] I'm going to end my turn

 

[James] Okay

 

[Elizabeth] by drawing a dagger, and I'll be like [as Vasilisa] Don't worry, everyone; I shall kill this Herstig next turn [describes] and I shall be ready. pew

 

[James] Bolka!

 

[Zac] Yis

 

[James] End of round two, what do you want to do? You see some murders happening.

 

[Zac] I want to head through the portal.

 

[James] Do it

 

[David] Whoa

 

[Zac] Does she- I mean, she's going to get an AOO on me, I'm assuming?

 

[James] Yep

 

[Zac] So, I'm just going to try and--and it's already activated--I'm just going to try and go through it.

 

[James] Okay, you go through it.

 

[Elizabeth] Oh shit!

 

[David] What?

 

[James] Um-

 

[Amanda] Where do you- where do you end up?

 

[James] I need everyone to roll me a perception check

 

[David] Oh, goodness!

 

[James] except for Bolka.

 

[sounds of dice rolling]

 

[Elizabeth] 17

 

[Amanda] 16

 

[David] 17 for Valdeen

 

[James] Everyone sees this except for Bolka. Bolka, you run and you kind of push past her and you're expecting the hit, but it never comes. Maybe you assume she misses. Everybody else, you see her like and she kind of goes for it, but she can't- doesn't seem to have the khutzpa to swipe, and Bolka goes through-

 

[Elizabeth] I think she's staggered

 

[James] -the portal as a move action.

 

[Elizabeth] Bye Bolka!

 

[Zac] See you guys!

 

[David] Um, uh-oh

 

[Zac] Always remember me!

 

[Elizabeth laughs, says] This isn't going to be a problem at all. This is fine. This is fine.

 

[David] You said split the party earlier; I thought you were joking!

 

[Amanda and Elizabeth laugh]

 

[Zac, in Bolka's voice] Oh no, Bolka never- Bolka never joke

 

[Amanda, in Marge's voice] Well, you know, Bolka's gonna be there when she come through the other side.

 

[Zac, in Bolka's voice] Bolka never tell joke

 

[David, in Valdeen's voice, sarcastically] Yeah

 

[Amanda, laughing] Yeah, never [Zac and Amanda laugh, Amanda continues] That's so not Bolka

 

[Zac, in Bolka's voice] Everything's so serious

 

[David, in Valdeen's voice] I don't understand the sarcasm that this new Bolka guy uses

 

[Zac laughs]

 

[Amanda] mhmm

 

[James] Alright, Bolka! You come down on the bottom floor, you're back in the room with the hot spring and the water elemental. Immediately, you see that the door to your right is open. You look in and you can see some bunks. You see a couple guards in their plea-jammas kind of haphazardly with armor on just like sitting on their beds chatting a little bit, and you hear more voices coming from deeper inside of the hall.

 

[Zac] Do they seem uh alarmed or startled? I'm- I- because of the gun, the gun went off. Do they seem like they're reacting, they have reacted to that? Do they- are they just kind of talking?

 

[James] They're just kind of talking.

 

[Zac] Okay, cool.

 

[James] Top of round three: Valdeen

 

[Elizabeth] Save us all, Valdeen!

 

[James] Valdeen, what do?

 

[David] I would like to shoot the doppelganger that I now know is a doppelganger

 

[James] Okay, please do

 

[Amanda] and Marge is not in your way because I'm on the table

 

[David] and I- I do that

 

[James] You do that. Please do that.

 

[David] Here's the roll

 

[Elizabeth] Marge is busy shaking one of those strawberry shortcakes off of her foot

 

[Amanda, softly] Come on, come on

 

[David] Oh, yeah- yeah, 28 to, uh, to hit

 

[James] Give me damage. Give me that sweet dam-o-geez

 

[David] Damage is gonna be 11 damage.

 

[James] You see her just like take the bullet and she goes, like, flies a little back, and she goes to the side and falls next to the mirror.

 

[David] Okay. Then I go ahead and move forward up to where Marge is, like right next to Marge.

 

[James] Perfect. So uh you run across the table and you stand next to Marge and you guys are at eye level with each other for the first time ever, uh-

 

[Amanda, David, and Elizabeth laugh]

 

[Amanda, as Marge] Hey, Valdeen!

 

[David, as Valdeen] You look different from this height, Marge

 

[Elizabeth, mimicking Marge's voice] Oh, you've got nice eyes!

 

[James] Hatch's turn! Hatch, the cute little domovoi. Hatch is going to move through the portal. Pops through the portal, lands next to Bolka: [as Hatch] Uh, hey, what are we doing?

 

[Zac, as Bolka, whispering] Be cool, be cool

 

[James, as Hatch] Okay

 

[David laughs]

 

[James] You guys are out of combat. Marge, what do you do?

 

[Amanda] Now that I see everyone's down, I'm going to walk over to Ghost and-

 

[Zac] re-mount

 

[Amanda] -from on top of the table, jump back on Ghost's back. Do I need to roll a ride?

 

[James] No.

 

[Amanda] Okay.

 

[Zac] You just do that because it's awesome.

 

[David] Yeah, yeah

 

[Zac laughs]

 

[James] You just walk onto Ghost, that's fine.

 

[David] That's amazing.

 

[Elizabeth] I'm going to coup de grace Herstig now.

 

[James] Cool

 

[Zac] Nice

 

[Elizabeth] I have a dagger in my hand; I'm ready.

 

[James] You kill her.

 

[Zac chuckles]

 

[Elizabeth] I shall search her body

 

[James] There's- there's no- She's- she's way past zero, yeah, I mean, even if she passes her fortitude, you still do damage and it kills her

 

[Elizabeth] Dope

 

[James] She was at like one

 

[Elizabeth] Cool

 

[James] Um- bum-bum-bum, bu-bu-bu-bum-bum-bum! Bolka!

 

[Zac] Um, Bolka is going to dispel his halo.

 

[James, as Hatch] Umm, cool, be cool, alright, okay, yeah, be cool, be cool. Now what?

 

[Zac] and he's gonna shout at everyone: [as Bolka] Men! Men! The tower- the tower is- is under attack from the top! Uh, Herstig has- has fallen! Radosek has fallen! I do not know where, uh, Vasilliovna is! I- I do not know- ! The tower, I think, is cracking and coming down! You must- you must evacuate, now! [describes] and then I start to head for, like, make it look like I'm heading for an exit.

 

[James] Give me diplomacy? Intimidate? What do you want to call this?

 

[Zac] I'd like it to be diplomacy because I'm-

 

[James] That's fine, yeah

 

[Zac] I didn't really lie?

 

[James] You didn't lie

 

[Zac] I mean, the tower is not really-

 

[James] I mean, I'm not going to make you do a- [pause] I could make you do a bluff check

 

[Zac] because-

 

[Elizabeth] I mean, the tower isn't coming down, he's not fully ingenuous

 

[James] You're trying to persuade them to leave, you're lying about it-

 

[Zac] I mean, metaphorically- metaphorically...

 

[Elizabeth laughs]

 

[James] -but also you're trying to intimidate them into leaving because it's dangerous.

 

[Zac] Well, I don't want to intimidate them; I want them to feel like I'm helpful. I don't want to help- I'm not trying to scare them, necessarily

 

[James] That's fair. Give me- give me bluff or diplomacy. I'm happy with either.

 

[sound of die rolling]

 

[Zac] 23 diplomacy.

 

[David] Ooh!

 

[James, as a guard] Oh, wait a minute, who are you?

 

[Zac, as Bolka] I- I am from Waldsby! It is not im- it is not important!

 

[James, as a different guard] Oh, he is from Waldsby; I was with guards, we went there, he killed the fireball! I told you about-

 

[James, as first guard] Oh, yeah, the fireball guy.

 

[Amanda and David laugh]

 

[James, as second guard] Yeah, he's the fireball guy; we should listen to him.

 

[more laughter, Elizabeth joining in laughing]

 

[James] ... A lot of bad accents happening right now

 

[Zac] I don't care: I love it

 

[James, as first guard] Oh, okay. Let me grab my kitten

 

[Amanda and Zac laugh]

 

[David] Oh, no, there's a kitten

 

[Amanda, mimicking the first guard's voice] Life's like a box of chocolates

 

[James, as second guard] Yeah, good idea, let us grab all of the- the puppies and the kittens

 

[laughter]

 

[Zac] Alright, is this in the book? I need you to show me in the book.

 

[David] Why?

 

[James] And you see- you see them go over and they pick up a box that says 'puppies and kitties' and it's full of like daggers and shit.

 

[Zac] Oh

 

[David] Oh, okay, okay

 

[James] No, I'm shittin' ya. Alright, ah, they- that- everyone starts to move out.

 

[Zac, as Bolka] Yes, yes, good. Orderly fashion, orderly fashion is good. It's not safe. It's not safe in here.

 

[James] Yeah, cool. They- they start to hustle.

 

[Amanda] Nice

 

[James] What's going on upstairs?

 

[Elizabeth] I'm searching Herstig's body

 

[David] and I will search the doppelganger

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] Oh, I hope Bolka isn't doing anything stupid downstairs.

 

[Zac laughs]

 

[David, as Valdeen, makes a sound of assent]

 

[Amanda, as Marge] You know, we should go downstairs and keep headin' out!

 

[Zac] It's a matter of opinion, I suppose [laughs]

 

[Elizabeth, responding to Marge as Vasilisa] Probably, but I'm a little worried and I should just--okay, let's see if these people have anything upon them.

 

[David, as Valdeen] Real quick, check for some valuable items and we'll move on.

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] Oh- Oh, geez

 

[Amanda, as Marge] Let's be quick!

 

[David, as Valdeen] Yep. Yeah, just take a moment.

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] Oh, dermo, this is just not a great situation, you know?

 

[David, as Valdeen] Ah, he seems to know what he's doing, I hope

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] There's a troll down there, you know? Remember? The troll?

 

[David, as Valdeen] Well, I doubt he's gonna just go running to the troll and say 'hey, attack me!'

 

[Amanda, as Marge] Oh, hurry up! Check the bodies, you guys. Come on!

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] I don't know, have you seen Bolka lately? He seems real touchy.

 

[James] Okay, yeah-

 

[Zac laughs]

 

[James] Vasilisa, you start to go through Herstig's stuff on her body. You find a masterwork great sword, a masterwork throwing axe, a magical cloak, and two keys. One of them is a regular key, the other one is a magical uh teleporter key.

 

[Amanda and David] Ohh

 

[James] uh that's what you find on her. And uh on the doppelganger, you find uh some pretty clothes.

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] Valdeen, if you want to put these, like, masterwork weapons into that bag that is on- of holding, I shall-

 

[David, as Valdeen] Sure, sure, toss them in [describes] I hold it open

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] -identify this cloak.

 

[James] Hatch comes through the portal.

 

[Amanda] Just, that is- that is on my person, by the way, the bag of holding.

 

[David] Oh, I thought I had it.

 

[James] he's like [as Hatch] Uh, everyone just chill.

 

[Amanda] Nope, I've got- I've got it

 

[David] okay [chuckles]

 

[Amanda] with the- with the silver uh uh bars and wands-

 

[James, as Hatch, clears throat] Excuse me

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] Yes, Hatch, what is it?

 

[James, as Hatch] Just chill here for a-

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] We're chilling?

 

[James, as Hatch] Yeah, chill here for a minute.

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] Why are we chilling, Hatch?

 

[James, as Hatch] Because Bolka's getting rid of the guards.

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] Ugh, what is Bolka doing now?

 

[James, as Hatch] Hmm, telling them the tower's collapsing.

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] What?!

 

[James, as Hatch] They're running for their lives, it's great.

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] They're going to figure it out when the tower does not collapse. He knows that, right?

 

[David, as Valdeen] Oh! Well, right

 

[Amanda, as Marge] Oh, you know, they don't know that, yet, but at least they're out of our way for the next section, for the next area.

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] Oh, dermo, this is such a mess. I shall just identify this cloak, which is a 24 for my spellcraft

 

[James, in Hatch's voice] Uh, it's a cloak of resistance +1.

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] Oh, gee, thanks. I'm wearing one right now; you're right, I should have just recognized it.

 

[James, as Hatch] Oh, yeah, I forgot about that, thank you.

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] Who needs some resistance right now? Who needs it?

 

[David, as Valdeen] We- we can probably figure that out-

 

[James, as Hatch] Hold on, I'll go tell him [describes] and Hatch goes back through the portal [as Hatch] uh [describes] he's invisible [as Hatch] Uh, Bolka?

 

[Zac, as Bolka] Yes

 

[James, as Hatch] Uh, they- they think that everyone's gonna figure out your lie when they see the tower doesn't collapse.

 

[Zac, as Bolka] Okay. Tell them to collapse the tower, then.

 

[James, as Hatch] Okay

 

[Elizabeth, Amanda, and David laugh]

 

[Amanda] Alright, Valdeen, start shootin'!

 

[James, as Hatch] Uh, hey guys, uh, it's me, Hatch. I'm back. I went through the teleporter again-

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] Ah, goodness, what-

 

[James, as Hatch] Uh, Bolka says, 'oh, shit, you're right, uh, quick! Collapse the tower.'

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] That's not a thing which we can just- oh, dermo

 

[James, as Hatch] Okay, hold on.

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] Son of a cyka

 

[James, as Hatch] Uh, hey, Bolka. Um

 

[Zac, as Bolka] Oh, Hatch!

 

[James, as Hatch] They- they say they can't do that. They don't know how.

 

[Zac, as Bolka] Oh. Have they tried being creative?

 

[Amanda laughs]

 

[David] No. No. Mm-mm

 

[Zac laughs]

 

[James, as Hatch] Hold on. Hey guys, it's me, Hatch. Bolka says try harder.

 

[more laughter]

 

[Amanda, as Marge] Oh, I think we- we just need to go down.

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] O-kay, okay!

 

[Amanda, as Marge] Let's just go down the portal.

 

[David, as Valdeen] What-

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] Okay, first off: Is anyone not wearing a magical shoulder slot item?

 

[James] Hatch and Vrixx raise their hands.

 

[Amanda] Well, Valdeen shouldn't be wearing a shoulder one, either, cause those-

 

[James] He has muleback cords

 

[David, as Valdeen] I have some- that already takes up that slot.

 

[Amanda] Ah, the muleback cords

 

[David, as Valdeen] I can't fit anything else

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] anyone else?

 

[Amanda] and I've got the yeti cloak, so I'm fine

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] Okay, is Bolka wearing a magical cloak? If I remember my memory-

 

[Amanda] can we drape it over Ghost?

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] I'm picturing Bolka in my head

 

[James, as Hatch] Hey, hey, um, Bolka? Bolka, do you have a-

 

[Zac, as Bolka] yes, Hatch?

 

[James, as Hatch] -magic cloak on?

 

[Zac, as Bolka] Uh, it's- it is a resistance +1? Is that? I think that's- that's fairly common-

 

[Amanda, laughs] They're fairly common

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] Okay, fine. Hatch.

 

[James, as Hatch] Yeah?

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] Wear this cloak, okay?

 

[James, as Hatch] Okay.

 

[Elizabeth, in Vasilisa's voice, describes] I put the cloak upon- I hold it out because Hatch is invisible. [as Vasilisa] Put it on!

 

[James, as Hatch] Alright.

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] Do it!

 

[Zac makes the Zelda da-da-da-da! puzzle solved/secret sound]

 

[James] It is the size of three of him.

 

[laughter]

 

[Elizabeth, still in Vasilisa's voice] I know, but it resizes because it's a magical item. We established this with yeti cloak.

 

[James, as Hatch] Oh, wow! How do I look? I've never worn clothes before

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] You're invisible, Hatch! What do you expect me to say?

 

[James, as Hatch] Um, pretty? But, fine.

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] Look, I'm sure you're pretty if I could see you, but I can't see invisible fey, okay?

 

[David, as Valdeen] How long are we waiting [indiscernible] here?

 

[Amanda, as Marge] Yeah

 

[James] You guys don't hear a response. [as Hatch] Bolka, do you think I'm pretty?

 

[laughter]

 

[Zac, as Bolka] Oh, yes, of course!

 

[Amanda, as Marge] Alright, let's go! Let's go!

 

[Zac, as Bolka] your hair is lovely and that's kind of like all your whole thing, that's all you are

 

[James] I hope you have fun editing this part

 

[David] oh yeah

 

[James] because I'm excited to hear it

 

[Amanda] Marge, on the back of Ghost, is going to go through the portal.

 

[James] Cool.

 

[Amanda] She's- she's ready.

 

[David] Valdeen steps in behind you and follows you through.

 

[James] Cool.

 

[Elizabeth] Vasilisa follows at the rear. I am fully- I'm in the rear, please.

 

[laughter]

 

[Zac] Are the guards gone, when they come through?

 

[James] Yeah, they left.

 

[Zac] Enough time passed?

 

[James] Yeah, they- they grabbed a couple things and they hustled out.

 

[Zac] Now, we have like our secret back way out of here with the uh the vine and the rope, right?

 

[James] mhm

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] No! I need Marigold, Bolka! No!

 

[Zac, as Bolka] But she would be downstairs

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] I need to go into the courtyard, please, Bo- I need my donkey [she sniffs sadly]

 

[Zac, as Bolka] Yes, no; I agree. We should find- we should find Marigold.

 

[Amanda, as Marge] Hatch is invisible, maybe Hatch should go find, uh-

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] Moya- moya donkey is just not safe

 

[Amanda, as Marge] Yes, Hatch is invisible; he should go find Marigold and see where she's at!

 

[Zac, as Bolka] Hatch could just untie Marigold and bring her to us

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] Hatch!

 

[James, as Hatch] Yeah.

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] Hatch!

 

[James, as Hatch] What's up?

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] Can you go get my donkey for me?

 

[James, as Hatch] Alright

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] No, but then how do we get out? Donkey can't climb down walls.

 

[Zac, as Bolka] No, but donkey should be on ground floor, yes? At stables.

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] Yes, where the troll is and the dragon statue.

 

[Zac, as Bolka] Oh, but in all the confusion and mishigas that- they should be able to- just a donkey should walk by unnoticed, you'd think

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] Oh, ye- but, how? Outside? Hatch, Hatch, are there any really valuable things on this floor of the tower which we should definitely grab? [Zac, as Bolka, sighs; Vasilisa continues] Second, but way more important, can you lead a donkey? She is the bestest of donkeys, but also not exactly well-trained. Can you lead her maybe out of the tower to meet us next to my beanstalk? You are definitely most handsome in that cloak. I- it's just that you do not need the cloak to make you more beautiful because you are so naturally beautiful.

 

[David, as Valdeen] Are you trying to butter up Hatch, now?

[Amanda, as Marge] He's invisible!

 

[David, as Valdeen] What are you doing?

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] Shh! He is a good house spirit, the best I've ever met, and he can definitely save my donkey. Please.

 

[David] You're trying to butter up the DM is what you're trying to do. This is, it's not-

 

[Amanda laughs]

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] Hatch: Hatch, I just need you to save my ass for me, please.

 

[Zac, Amanda, and David laugh]

 

[Amanda, laughing] Oh, god

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa, sniffling] She's a good ass.

 

[David continues to laugh]

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] The best, even.

 

[Zac] Does- Does Hatch realize this thinly-veiled attempt at- at persuasion?

 

[Elizabeth, in Vasilisa's voice] I have a plus two to a Charisma check if you need me to roll-

 

[James] I mean, he- he might if he were still here.

 

[Zac] Ohh

 

[Elizabeth] Oh, no, Hatch!

 

[Amanda] Oh!

 

[David, laughing] He- He already left to go save the donkey.

 

[James] You said- you said 'go save my donkey'

 

[David] Yeah

 

[James] and he said [as Hatch] Okay [describes] and then he left!

 

[David] He's gone. You've been talking to the air.

 

[Elizabeth] I'm just ta- Well, he's invisible! I don't know

 

[Zac, as Bolka] Because your hair is so beautiful...

 

[James] He's invisible. Yeah, that's why I didn't say he left!

 

[Elizabeth] I'm just standing there, talking

 

[James] You're just standing there

 

[Elizabeth] hoping

 

[James] keep talking to keep trying to butter him up

 

[Zac] and there's just like this long pause

 

[James] and you don't hear any response. Yeah, I have to- I have to-

 

[David] Oh boy

 

[James] -figure some stuff out. Hold on. Because Hatch went to go do what you told him because he likes you.

 

[Elizabeth, laughing] Shit. Okay.

 

[Amanda, as Marge] Oh, you know, we don't want to, you know, have to deal with that water elemental; we should just keep going.

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] Oh, wait-

 

[David, as Valdeen] Yeah, we should-

 

[James] You guys look over at the fountain and there's a water elemental like doing the head thing again.

 

[Zac] mhmm

 

[James] just like waves at you guys.

 

[David] I wave at it

 

[Amanda, as Marge, and Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] Hello

 

[David] Valdeen waves at it [as Valdeen] Hi

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] I appreciate what you do here

 

[Zac] and she casts spark

 

[Amanda and David laugh]

 

[Elizabeth] and Vasilisa gives a thumbs up [as Vasilisa] I remember the thing which I was told by Hatch, which is to not cast the fire spells.

 

[Zac, as Bolka, mimicking Vasilisa] to not be me

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] but I have so many burning hands prepared, I just want to [makes a burning sound], you know? Do you ever just feel that urge inside like flames?

 

[Amanda, as Marge] Oh, I totally get it! Yeah

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] Flames. [Amanda laughs, Vasilisa continues] Oh, I've seen, Marge! You are definitely more impulsive than before.

 

[Zac] This episode's gonna be Exhibit A in Elizabeth's arson trial

 

[Amanda and David laugh]

 

[Zac continues] 'Do you ever just feel like the need for the flames?'

 

[Elizabeth] Flames- flames on the side of my face!

 

[Zac] Burning! B-burning my face!

 

[David] Burning! Face!

 

[Zac] F-f-f- flames!

 

[David] Flames

 

[Zac, very softly] What happens?

 

[James makes whistling wind sounds]

 

[James, as Hatch] Hey, um, she wouldn't listen to me, but uh you can go get her. Everyone's gone.

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] Oh? Really?

 

[James, as Hatch] Yeah

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] Everyone is gone? Including the troll?

 

[James, as Hatch] Yeah, all the guards. All the guards. Yeah, the troll was trying to get her to move, but she was scared of him

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] Good

 

[James, as Hatch] So she would, like, pull back

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] She's a sensible donkey

 

[James, as Hatch] And the troll wasn't strong enough, and the troll was like grrrr--I don't speak Giant, that's what trolls speak--so the troll just left with everyone else after a little bit. So, it's like- it's open, but like, but she- she doesn't know me, so-

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] I'm gonna go, okay

 

[James, as Hatch] I tried

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] Everybody, uh-

 

[James, as Hatch] I tried to tell her that she was a good donkey and that she was pretty because that's- that's what I-

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] She mostly speaks Taldane, unfortunately

 

[James, as Hatch] -that's what I like to be told. [clears his throat]

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] No, I call her that all the time; she has a beautiful-

 

[James, as Hatch] But, uh-

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] Here, Hatch, let me-

 

[Zac, as Bolka] You're gorgeous, Hatch

 

[James, as Hatch] Thank you

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] Let me speak- let me teach you a phrase in Taldane Common

 

[Amanda, as Marge] Well, we should go right now, though, you know. On the way you can talk.

 

[David, as Valdeen] Tea- Yeah, teach as we walk

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] Okay, I'll teach him later

 

[David, as Valdeen] Teach as we walk

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] I was just going to teach him how to say, 'my, you are a beautiful donkey!'

 

[Amanda, as Marge] I don't know how long the guys are going to be gone for! We- we gotta get going now!

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] Well, I'm gonna go get Marigold, okay? Let's go

 

[Amanda, as Marge] Okay, let's all go together.

 

[David, as Valdeen] yeah

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] Good idea!

 

[David, as Valdeen] Let's go

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] I shall- ah, okay. I go.

 

[James] You go.

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] Marigold! [describes] I call out into the courtyard [as Vasilisa] Marigold! My beautiful donkey!

 

[Amanda, as Marge] Oh, shush!

 

[Zac] I want to do like crazy perception checks everywhere to see if there's anything looking at us

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] Hatch said everyone was gone. Marigold!

 

[David] I'd like to do a perception check, too

 

[Amanda] Marge will be doing the same.

 

[James] Yeah, give me- give me those checks as you guys exit the tower, not from whence you came. You pass by two statues of naked hot ladies again, made of ice of course, and you walk through the big double doors that're beset with spikes pointing outward um and you guys enter the courtyard for the first and last time

 

[David] Oh boy

 

[Elizabeth] Oh shit

 

[James] before you die.

 

[Elizabeth laughs]

 

[James] I'm just assuming you're never coming back here and so you'll be dead, um, but you guys- you enter the courtyard and you guys see this like large ice dragon sculpture just sitting on a plinth in the center with spikes kind of um gyrating out from the plinth

 

[Elizabeth] Gyrating? [laughs]

 

[James] Yeah, they look very phallic

 

[David] Jutting? Jutting. Jutting

 

[James] Jutting, there we go, yeah, yeah

 

[Elizabeth] Jutting! There we go. I was like, whoa

 

[Amanda laughs]

 

[James] in kind of like a five-pointed star pattern out from the plinth

 

[Elizabeth] And we all start gyrating

 

[laughter]

 

[Zac] Is a plinth- I don't know what a plinth- Is a plinth like a stripper pole? Or what is-?

 

[James] A plinth is like a big brick.

 

[Elizabeth] Pedestal

 

[James] That's stuck- pedestal, yeah

 

[David] Like a dais?

 

[Elizabeth] Like a large pedestal

 

[James] Yeah. Uh, and you guys look around and you see multiple stables. You see uh areas of the stables that are just open and there's like-

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] Marigold!

 

[James] -there's no one here except for in one of the stables, you see Marigold.

 

[Elizabeth] Does she have her full saddle bags and everything?

 

[James] No.

 

[Elizabeth] She's naked?!

 

[James] Yes.

 

[Elizabeth, gasping, as Vasilisa] Marigold, where did you put my stuff?

 

[Amanda] Ghost got a 20 and Marge got a 28 for perception.

 

[Elizabeth] I can't speak donkey- oh, I got a 22, actually.

 

[David] 25 for Valdeen on perception.

 

[Zac] 11

 

[James] Cool, yeah, you guys look around. Um, you see a couple different things: you see most of the kennels themselves are empty, you see one kennel next to Marigold that has like all of her shit just kind of like laid out

 

[Amanda] sweet

 

[James] You can see that they were looking through it.

 

[David] Ah

 

[James] Um, and then you see another um kennel that is kind of like there's kind of a big blanket with like hay underneath it; it's kind of weird, but there looks like there might be some shit stacked away in there because it's all lumpy.

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] If everyone wants to check lumpy blanket, I need someone to help me please to reload my Marigold.

 

[David, as Valdeen] I'll check the lumpy blanket [describes] so I head over to that [as Valdeen] Bolka, you wanna give me a hand?

 

[Elizabeth] I'm gonna immediately check Marigold's stuff because i really want to make sure my Harrow kit is in there.

 

[Amanda] Marge and Ghost will follow Vasilisa

 

[Elizabeth] please

 

[James] Cool.

 

[Elizabeth] Harrow mat, Harrow box, are you in there?

 

[James] Yeah, all your shit's there

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] Everybody, please help me. Marge, will you help me put this on Marigold?

 

[Amanda, as Marge] Well, I'm tall enough, now, I can help ya, sure

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] Okay

 

[James, as Marigold] hee-haw! hee-haw! [brays]

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] Marigold, are you okay?

 

[Amanda, as Marge, hushes] Oh, Marigold, hush! Hush!

 

[James] Marigold like trots as quickly as she can and just like nuzzles you and you're like over looking at your stuff

 

[Elizabeth] I give her a big ol' hug [as Vasilisa] Oh, Marigold! Yes

 

[James] but she's just like still nuzzling and like nibbling on your ear a little bit

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] I love you, too

 

[Zac] Ow!

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] It's good to see you! Here, have a pat. Oh, have some beans.

 

[James makes a contented hee-haw sound and some munching noises]

 

[Elizabeth] I give her some magical beans from my beanstalk. [as Vasilisa] Oh, Marigold! Sorry, everybody, you can do things, too; I am busy feeding my donkey

 

[everyone laughs]

 

[Zac, as Bolka] Yeah, because I will- I will stand by because we do not know what is under there, I will stand, ready [describes] so you can- you remove the blanket, and I'll be-

 

[David] Alright. Let's take a look. What's- What do we see? What's there?

 

[Zac] holding my mace

 

[James] You- you, uh, 500 gold.

 

[David] So there's 10 gold, guys!

 

[laughter]

 

[Zac, as Bolka] It looks funny, it looks like so much more

 

[David] It's just, it's 500 gold, really?

 

[James] That's a- it- there's a bunch of lumpy gold underneath the blanket in the hay.

 

[David] What?

 

[Amanda, as Marge] Well, I've got the bag of holdin', so ya know, if you need to- to put it somewhere-

 

[David] Alright, we- we take the gold. Lumpy-

 

[James] Cool

 

[David] Lumpy gold, that's weird

 

[James] Good

 

[David] That's weird that there's lumpy gold.

 

[James] Good job getting the lumpy gold.

 

[Elizabeth] It's not cursed gold, right?

 

[David] I don't know

 

[James] You don't know

 

[Amanda] Are you able to carry- oh yeah, we each have our own little gold sack, too, so you can-

 

[David] We do, yeah

 

[Amanda] -instead of using the bag of holding, you can put it in your own little bag of gold.

 

[David, as Valdeen] Yeah, we'll- we'll count this and divide it up later. Let's just get- let's just take it and go.

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] Oh yeah. We always trust what Valdeen says about amounts of money.

 

[David, as Valdeen] Of course we do! Why would we not?

 

[Amanda laughs]

 

[James] So you guys have that--you look over, the front gates are open.

 

[Zac] and they seem uh deserted?

 

[James] You don't see anybody.

 

[Zac, as Bolka] But where did everybody-?

 

[James] You don't hear anybody with your guys' perception checks, either.

 

[David] Wow.

 

[Zac, as Bolka] No, but should we try and go out back way with-?

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] No- what back way? There-

 

[David, as Valdeen] No, let's just- let's just go!

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] There is only gate. We have a donkey, cannot scale walls.

 

[David, as Valdeen] If- if it's clear, Bolka, let's just- let's just go.

 

[Amanda, as Marge] Yeah, we gotta get back to Sara, let her know about her little girl.

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] Oh shit. Wait, did you say Sara?

 

[David, as Valdeen] I'm not looking forward to that conversation.

 

[Amanda, as Marge] I meant- Kapa. Kapa. We got to go to Kapa

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] I mean, it's kind of the same thing if you translate, but also there was an interesting slip of tongue right there.

 

[Amanda, as Marge] Hm

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] Okay, we have Marigold back and re-laden [James makes a hee-haw sound, Elizabeth continues] and I am giving her some pats and some beans and we are ready to go.

 

[David] as we get toward the actual front entrance

 

[Amanda] Yes

 

[David] I want to like pause, I can like put a hand up like hold it everybody, let's look around

 

[Amanda] Another perception

 

[Zac] Yeah

 

[Amanda] Absolutely

 

[David, as Valdeen] Bolka, take a look. See if you can see anything.

 

[James] Questions I have for you all:

 

[Elizabeth] shit

 

[Amanda] no

 

[David] no

 

[Elizabeth] okay, yes

 

[James] so, where are you rolling perceptions from? Where are you looking?

 

[Amanda] From the front gate

 

[David] We all got to the front gate, like we moved over to the front gate

 

[James] You all walked to the front gate?

 

[David] yeah

 

[James] stand in the front gate and look out?

 

[David] Look- before the front gate, like, we would- well, yes -ish

 

[Elizabeth] I'm letting Valdeen go ahead and peek out because I'm distracted by giving Marigold lots of loves

 

[Amanda] and Marge is in the front with Valdeen. We're- We're seeing if there's anybody that we can see waiting because we didn't hear anybody

 

[David] Right

 

[Amanda] -but also we want to before we just come running out the front gate want to make sure that we see if there's anybody there before we run into-

[David] So, Bolka, Marge and Valdeen all kind of said, let's look out front before we just charge out the front door.

 

[Zac] Yeah

 

[David] We all kind of, we moved carefully

 

[Zac] In fact, we- are we also stealthing? I kind of feel like, as we get closer to the gate, like, I want to be-

 

[David] Being stealthy-ish. Like-

 

[Zac] Yeah

 

[James] Give me stealth checks.

 

[David] Okay. We're being stealthy.

 

[sound of dice rolling]

 

[James] Marge?

 

[Amanda] 28 from Ghost and I'm on Ghost, um, but a 16 for Marge. [another die rolls and Zac makes a muffled sound in background; Amanda continues] So Ghost is really quiet.

 

[James] Doesn't matter though because you're covered in heavy armor

 

[Amanda] I know

 

[Zac] Which I think is probably why my roll was a one

 

[Elizabeth laughs]

 

[Amanda] ohhh

 

[David] You were trying to make up for Marge's- wait, what?

 

[Amanda] Wait a second, do you have a negative in stealth?

 

[Zac] Yeah.

 

[Amanda] Ugh [laughs]

 

[Zac] because of the heavy armor

 

[James] great

 

[David] Well, I- 22, but doesn't matter, so

 

[James] Good job, Valdeen

 

[David] Yeah, great

 

[James] 16 for Marge-

 

[Zac] But I got a 25 perception!

 

[David] So stealthy

 

[Elizabeth laughs]

 

[Amanda] 16 and 28

 

[James] 'Kay. Okay.

 

[David] My gun's reloaded, by the way.

 

[James] So, you guys come up to the front of the gate and you're- you're walking up and you're kind of looking out and you're trying to be quiet um but you're crunching through the snow and you guys hear Marge's armor kind of cling clinging against itself and Bolka is singing a hymn very loudly

 

[laughter]

 

[Amanda, as Marge] Bolka!

 

[James] No, he's not; he's not. He's just- he's a beautiful man and it's hard to ignore such a thing. Um, you guys get to the front of the gate and you look out and you see 12 guards [nervous laughter from the players] and an ice troll.

 

[David] Yeah

 

[Amanda] And they all see us, too

 

[James] And they're all just like- they're like- they're like 200 feet away.

 

[Amanda] Oh

 

[James] Like, 'yeah, this is far enough away from the tower, if it falls over.'

 

[David] okay

 

[James] and about six of them see you guys, and they look really confused for a moment, and then they all reach for their weapons!

 

[Amanda] Yeah, crap

 

[James, transitioning into his announcer voice] and we will have to figure out what's going to happen next!

 

[Zac groans]

 

[David] Oh, come on! No!

 

[James, full announce voice] but let us all take a moment to appreciate the main quest of this book! You have completed it! Welcome to the end of Book Two: Marigold has been rescued! [laughter]

 

[Amanda] Well, that was fast!

 

[James, continuing in announcer voice] What's gonna happen in Book Three? We'll find out next time on The Dimension Door Podcast!

 

[Music: "Press Start" by MDK Music plays]

 

[laughter]

 

[Amanda] Ah, boy. Alright, alright!

 

[David] Okay. Yeah, well, we deserve that.

 

[Amanda] That's okay, Marge still has enough anger in her to take out six guys, so...

 

[James] I was hoping you guys were gonna get there. I- I was hoping like, yeah, you know if they're stealthy enough and they time it right, they could get out of here.

 

[Elizabeth starts to speak, but James interrupts] Wait a minute, hold on.

 

[David] What?

 

[Zac] We could- what?

 

[Elizabeth] What?

 

[Amanda] What?

 

[Zac] If we just-

 

[Elizabeth] What?

 

[James] I have to go back.

 

[David] Okay

 

[Elizabeth and Amanda] Oh, why?

 

[James] because this isn't what happens [record scratch sound; outro music stops]

 

[Amanda gasps]

 

[David] Oh shit.

 

[Amanda] What?

 

[James] Because I forgot something very important.

 

[Zac] Well, if it's important, let's do it.

 

[James] It's the middle of the fucking night!

 

[Amanda] Yeah!

 

[James] If they're 200 feet away, they can't see shit!

 

[David] Yes! They can't see us!

 

[Elizabeth] Are you s- sure? For real?

 

[David] Yeah, well, I mean unless there's a bunch of light everywhere...

 

[Elizabeth] I mean, are there torches or anything lighting the tower?

 

[David] A little bit

 

[James] There's torches like in the windows of the tower. There's not stuff like lighting-

 

[Elizabeth] They don't have anything in the courtyard or their gate?

 

[Zac] Not around the courtyard.

 

[James] No! No. Maybe one or two.

 

[Elizabeth] Idiots

 

[James] Give me, like-

 

[Amanda, sing-song] We can sneak out!

 

[Zac] Elizabeth- Elizabeth, what are you doing?

 

[David] Yeah, you-

 

[Zac laughs]

 

[Elizabeth] No, I'm just- I'm picturing a fort at night, and the only parts that are lit are the gates and the windows...

 

[James] No, okay, so, you're right, you're right. The gates- the gates are gonna be lit. They would have seen you guys. Okay. Cut all the stuff out where me- I go back; this, the same thing is happening.

 

[Music: "Press Start" by MDK Music starts over again]

 

[Elizabeth] I- Sorry, guys. I just felt like, um-

 

[Amanda] It's okay...

 

[David] Elizabeth!

 

[Zac] Elizabeth!

 

[Music stops]

 

[Elizabeth] I kind of just want to set them all on fire.

 

[James] Thank you for listening to The Dimension Door Podcast! As always, our editing and music is by Zac Kreitler, except for our bumper tracks which are by MDK Music and our spell effects are from Syrinscape. Make sure you check out our second show, Severed Fate, on its own podcast feed, and make sure that you are supporting us on Patreon! We have a new $10 tier which includes an online library of content including music tracks that Zac has written for the show, bloopers, and a sweet sweet sweet 20% off coupon to use at our merch store! Thank you to our executive producers: David Lester and Callie Rose. And if you, too, want to be an executive producer, well guess what? You can find that also on Patreon.