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Transcripts

S2.E3

Tentless, Intense

[Zac, as Bolka] I become man inside slave camp. Back then, was easy to know who is good or bad; slaves, slave masters: simple. Over time, though, if one looks closely, one might be surprised. Not every slave was nice good person, not every fey was bad. My dear friend Greg was supposed to be enslaving me, but he was kind to me and taught me and eventually helped mother and me escape. I guess I'm saying there were very fine people on both sides--though one side was clearly running low on them. Now, between these very new friends and the Pale Tower, one side will burn your house down with family still inside, other side will murder sleeping neutral cleric. One side will hang you from tall building by your neck as example, other side will drink your blood after they murder--like, not just a little blood! Like, this flask, oh my god, you guys, you should have like seen this thing! It was like, uh, how you say, voluminous? It was just like mass- I can't- I get sick- I just think of the quantity of- oh, god. It reminds me of uh Bolka's Psalm 610: "Mercy, mercy me; things ain't what they used to be. Where did all blue skies go? Poison is wind that blows from north, south, and east." Thora was good girl. If I must choose a side, I choose Thora.

 

[Music: opening theme plays (“Jelly Castle (orchestral remix)” by MDK Music)]

 

[Amanda] Nice.

 

[David, chuckling] Alright

 

[James] That was good

 

[Amanda] Ahh

 

[David] Yeah

 

[James] A little bit of judgment there.

 

[Elizabeth] O-ho

 

[Amanda] Yeah.

 

[David] I- I like it.

 

[Amanda] Totally get it!

 

[James] But it was well deserved!

 

[Amanda and Elizabeth laugh]

 

[James] Alright, guys, welcome back

 

[Amanda] Oh, if only Bolka knew Marge before this whole thing...

 

[James laughs]

 

[Zac] Yeah, I- He just- It's why I said 'new friends' in there because like he seriously just met you guys, what? A day ago

 

[James] Yeah, a day ago, yeah.

 

[Elizabeth] Mhmm

 

[Zac] This is wild.

 

[James] So, you guys uh managed to make it almost out of the tower last time. You guys are currently standing in the courtyard. You have saved Marigold, the Good Girl. Uh, Bolka convinced everybody to run out of the tower because it was quote unquote [puts on voice with accent of one of the tower guards] "collapsing, oh no!" [resumes regular voice] and um you guys killed Herstig and you killed the Argentea-Belor person that turned out to be a doppelganger

 

[David] Mmmm

 

[James] and now, middle of the night, you guys walk up to the gates and you look out, trying to see what there is, and you look over and you see a bunch of guards and an ice troll standing about 200 feet away. They got some torches out and they're just like looking over at the tower, waiting for it to fall over [Zac laughs, James continues] and you guys stick your head out the gate and the torches illuminate you and they go "what the fuck?" and you see a couple of them reach for their weapons.

 

[Amanda] Hmmm

 

[James] What do you guys want to do?

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa, whispering] Hatch

 

[James, as Hatch] Hey, what's up?

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] You are very good domovoi

 

[James, as Hatch] Thank you, thank you

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] Marigold is very good donkey.

 

[James, as Hatch] Yeah

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] Can you-

 

[James, as Hatch] I can't become a donkey

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] -take care of my very good donkey?

 

[David & Zac laugh]

 

[James, as Hatch] I love donkeys. Okay.

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] Do you want to be-

 

[James, as Hatch] I want to be your friend. I want- I really want to be your friend.

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] Since my donkey is like my traveling house right now

 

[James, as Hatch] Uh-huh. Okay.

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] In order to be my house spirit, you are keeper of my donkey.

 

[James, as Hatch] -of my donkey. Yeah, I could do that.

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] Marigold

 

[James, as Marigold] hee-haw

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] This is Hatch. He is very good domovoi- [describes] and that's how it's- She's introducing the two and she's establishing that Hatch can take care of Marigold so she doesn't have to micromanage her ass in the middle of battle.

 

[James] Okay, cool. Roll for initiative!

 

[Elizabeth, makes pained sound] I have a five for my initiative

 

[Zac, laughs] Let's see if I can beat that! [sound of die rolling] Ooo! 16

 

[Amanda] 15 for Marge and Ghost just follows along, so...

 

[David] 17 for Valdeen

 

[Elizabeth] Dang! Nice. Okay.

 

[James] Vrixx got a 21.

 

[Elizabeth] Whoa

 

[David] Wow

 

[James] Hatch got a 13.

 

[Zac] I'm telling you: Vrixx and Hatch are going to run this combat. The powerhouse!

 

[James] Top of round one, you guys see 12 guardsmen and an ice troll. Now, Vrixx: [as Vrixx] Fuck [describes] and it goes to the guards!

 

[David and Elizabeth laugh]

 

[David] You made that sound that was going to be this momentous moment, like-

 

[James, as Vrixx] Nah, I'm just, fuck, man-

 

[David] -that was his time to shine

 

[James, as Vrixx] Like, what am I going to do? I'm a fuckin' sprite! [continues as GM] Uh, and so, we have guards six, five, one, and eight begin to move towards you.

 

[Elizabeth] Are they moving full speed, half speed, quarter speed-?

 

[James] Quarter speed

 

[Elizabeth] Are they wearing snowshoes?

 

[James] No

 

[Elizabeth] Heh. Okay, okay. [breathes 'hoo-hoo-hoo' like she's hyping herself up]

 

[David laughs]

 

[Zac] We're gonna sit here [laughs] and strap on our snowshoes...

 

[Elizabeth] How long does it take to put snowshoes on?

 

[Amanda] I would imagine one round, but-

 

[James] Uh, I'm gonna say putting on snowshoes is gonna take 1d4 rounds

 

[Zac, laughs] I like that!

 

[David] oooh

 

[James] because it says you have to lash them to your feet

 

[Amanda] Mhm

 

[James] So, if you guys wish to attempt to put on snowshoes, you will begin the process, I will roll a 1d4, and I'll tell you when you're done! And those four guardsmen move a whopping-

 

[Zac] 15?

 

[James] -15 feet, yeah. So, they are now 175 feet away.

 

[Zac, laughs] I am so putting on shoes.

 

[Elizabeth laughs]

 

[James] Valdeen, what do you do?

 

[David] Hey, guys! I'm putting on some snowshoes!

 

[James] Great, so you need to run back to Marigold-

 

[Amanda] Well, she should just be right behind us

 

[Elizabeth] We're all clustered together

 

[David] Yeah she's right- she's right behind us, yeah

 

[James] Okay, cool

 

[David] -we're all...

 

[James] Okay, neat. Neat.

 

[David] Yeah

 

[James] Grab your snowshoes...

 

[Zac] Like in a cartoon where they're all sneaking along the wall together to look around the corner

 

[James] Perfect

 

[Elizabeth] and, thankfully, Marigold doesn't have any magical storage, so the snowshoes are just literally strapped to her

 

[David] Strapped

 

[James] Cool

 

[Zac] We don't have to retrieve them from a deep bag of holding

 

[James] Perfect

 

[Elizabeth] They're not in a bag.

 

[David] Do I get to know how many rounds?

 

[James] No, not at all.

 

[Elizabeth laughs]

 

[David] Well, that's helpful. I'm gonna prepare to not know what I'm doing next round.

 

[Elizabeth laughs]

 

[Amanda] Perfect

 

[Elizabeth] Nice. Oh, I'm so excited

 

[David] Okay, anyway, um- [as Valdeen] Guys, gear up, guys!

 

[James] Y- you- Valdeen, I will say, you grab your snowshoes

 

[David] Yeah

 

[James] -and you spend six seconds trying to put them on and they're not done

 

[David] Okay, cool

 

[Elizabeth] Okay

 

[David] Um, I- I just kind of go ahead and say [as Valdeen] Alright, guys, gear- gear up! We're gonna need to move.

 

[Zac laughs]

 

[James] Uh, guard number three moves 15 feet closer, and you hear them all screaming [as guard] Get them! [as another guard] Attack! [describes] You- you hear one voice that's very familiar

 

[Zac] Yeah...

 

[James] And he goes [as guard captain, Volan] You motherfucker, you charmed me!

 

[Zac] Yeah...I've been thinking about this

 

[David laughs]

 

[Elizabeth, laughing] 'You motherfucker, you charmed me!'

 

[James] Alright, Bolka, you're up

 

[Zac] I've been waiting for shield man because we made it through the whole thing-

 

[David] shield man

 

[Elizabeth] uh-huh

 

[Zac] -without running into shield man.

 

[James] Yeah

 

[Elizabeth] Yep

 

[James] He was in the courtyard

 

[Elizabeth] Shit

 

[Zac] Uh, yeah, Bo- [as Bolka] Is good idea, Valdeen! [describes] Uh, and I go over and I grab a pair of shoes

 

[Elizabeth laughs] Yes

 

[James] Okay

 

[Zac] strap them on me. I spend six full seconds strapping them on my feetsies

 

[James] And you do it. You're set; you're good to go.

 

[Zac] And I stand up

 

[David makes a jealous scoff sound]

 

[James] Marge and Ghost

 

[Amanda] Marge is going to reach into one of her pockets and pull out a potion bottle

 

[Elizabeth and David] ooooh

 

[James] Smart

 

[Amanda] and she's going to have Ghost drink a potion of featherstep

 

[James] Yep

 

[David] Ohh!

 

[Elizabeth] That's my idea for donkey- I have a potion of featherstep, too, for Marigold!

 

[Amanda] because you get to ignore difficult terrain for ten minutes

 

[James] Yep. That's really smart

 

[David] That's amazing!

 

[James] That's really, really smart

 

[Amanda] I thought everybody had one of those

 

[Elizabeth] Yeah, we do! That's why I was looking at mine; I'm gonna give it to Marigold.

 

[Amanda] Ghost can ignore difficult terrain for ten minutes

 

[Elizabeth] Yeah, yeah

 

[David] Awesome

 

[James] Uh, next up we have Volan, uh, which is the guard captain, and he screams [as Volan] I am going to cut off your beard and use it to wipe my ass! [Elizabeth laughs, James continues, describing] Uh, and then-

 

[Elizabeth] That was great, I'm sorry

 

[James] It's Hatch's turn, and he goes [as Hatch] That's- that's fucking gross

 

[Amanda and David laugh]

 

[James] Guard 11 and 10 start to move forward, and then we have the ice troll

 

[Amanda] Who could probably come up pretty quick

 

[Elizabeth] Ohhh, yeah...

 

[Zac] -throw stuff

 

[Amanda] Well, that, too

​

[David] Trolls...Trolls!

 

[Elizabeth] At least there aren't a whole bunch of ice spears conveniently growing out of the ground-

 

[Zac] Just laying around, yeah

 

[Elizabeth] -this time.

 

[Amanda] Do we really know that, though? [laughs]

 

[David] Well, we could make that happen.

 

[James] Being a big old creature, I don't think the troll has his impaired movement, so I'm only going to half it instead of quarter it, but the troll moves 60 feet.

 

[David] Oh, hello; he's coming fast.

 

[Amanda] Yup

 

[James] Vasilisa

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] Hatch! Strap some snowshoes on me! [describes] and then grabs the potion of featherstep that she has

 

[Amanda] Nice

 

[Elizabeth] in one of her belt pouches, and is like [as Vasilisa] Marigold, trust me! It's like that time you had a cold and I needed to give you medicine! [continues] and she tries to force it down Marigold [as Vasilisa] I love you! You're a good donkey! Drink this potion, please!

 

[Amanda laughs]

 

[James] Handle animal

 

[Elizabeth] O-kay

 

[sound of die rolling, David laughs softly and Zac makes a sharp groan]

 

[Amanda] Nooo

 

[Zac laughs]

 

[Elizabeth] What about a four? Would you- Would you- [laughs]

 

[Zac] What do I get for a four?

 

[James] You hold it up to her- [Elizabeth sighs; James continues] and she just moves her head away like, 'No, I don't wanna.'

 

[Elizabeth] Please! Please! [makes a sound of disgust]

 

[James, as Marigold] hee-haw! Hee-haw! Hee-haw!

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] Okay [makes a frustrated sound, describes] So, Vasilisa [Zac laughs, Elizabeth continues] is trying to fight with Marigold to drink this potion, and she asks Hatch to please help with her shoes, and I think that's probably her turn.

 

[James] Hatch will grab some snowshoes and he will start to put them on Vasilisa? [sound of die rolling]

 

[Elizabeth] I'm cooperating; I don't fight the snowshoe

 

[Amanda chuckles]

 

[James] Hatch does it in one round

 

[Amanda] Nice!

 

[Elizabeth laughs victoriously]

 

[David] What is wrong with Valdeen?

 

[James] I don't know

 

[Amanda, Zac, and Elizabeth laugh]

 

[David] What the hell, James?

 

[James] You're- You're- You know what it is? You're so tall, it takes you a full round to just bend over

 

[David laughs]

​

[Amanda] -just to bend over! [laughs]

 

[James] How about that?

 

[Amanda] Nice

 

[David] Okay

 

[James] Guards two, nine, ten, and four move 15 feet closer. Top of round two: Vrixx [as Vrixx] Fuckers! Lisa, give it another try. [describes] Vrixx is gonna roll to aid you to pour a potion down Marigold's throat.

 

[Elizabeth] Oh [breathes like she's hyping herself up]

 

[Zac] I don't know how comforting Vrixx is on animals...

 

[James] 10

 

[Elizabeth] I feel like Vrixx is more likely to be like trying to hold her mouth open [laughs]

 

[Amanda, laughing] Yeah

 

[Zac] Alright

 

[James] That's exactly what he does with a 10.

 

[Elizabeth] Nice. Nice.

 

[Zac] So you get a plus two

 

[James] He flies into Marigold's mouth and she's so shocked and she's like trying to like flick him out with her big long donkey tongue [makes sounds to demonstrate] and he's just standing there like [as Vrixx] Oh, god,  it's so fucking wet! Hurry your ass up!

 

[Elizabeth and Amanda laugh]

 

[James] Guards six, five, one, and eight move fifteen feet closer. Valdeen, what do you do? Ooh, wait-

 

[David] You tell me!

 

[James] I know what you do: you finish tying your shoes.

 

[David] Oh, how- good.

 

[Amanda laughs]

 

[James] Uh, Bolka: what do you do?

 

[Zac] Again--for the second time today, and I only get it twice--I'm gonna shoot light out of my palm [magical sound effect]

 

[David, whispering] Do it!

 

[Zac] It's eight against touch AC

 

[Amanda] Sorry

 

[James] Sorry, buddy.

 

[Zac sighs]

 

[James] You go [mimics Bolka's voice] Ah, Bolka! Fuck you! [describes] and a ray of light shoots out and flies past the troll as it's stomping forward.

 

[Zac] So, that was my standard and, uh--such a waste--and then for my move action I just want to position myself so that I am like in front

 

[James] Okay

 

[Zac] But I'm not going to take off running, yet; I'm waiting for everyone else to get their stuff together.

 

[James] Marge

 

[Amanda] I'm actually going to roll to aid Vasilisa as well.

 

[Elizabeth] Woo-hoo!

 

[James] Nice. Handle animal

 

[Zac] On the handle animal? Oh, cool.

 

[Amanda] Oh, yeah

 

[Zac] Nice!

 

[Amanda] I rolled a 17. So, you get a plus 4

 

[Elizabeth] Oh yeah, cause you're good at aiding things!

 

[James] Ohhhh, so plus 6

 

[Zac] You double aid

 

[David] Yep, yep!

 

[James] There we go; that's beautiful

 

[Elizabeth, softly] Plus 6! Plus 6!

 

[Zac] That's dope!

 

[Amanda] Yeah, no, the plus 4 is just from me [laughs]

 

[James] What does Marge do to help?

 

[Amanda] She's going to be more on the side of calming Marigold and just, you know, with her sweet talking to animal voices-

 

[Zac] Don't mind that there's a screaming pixie in your mouth...

 

[Amanda laughs]

 

[Zac] ...sprite

 

[David, at same time, laughing] Sprite

 

[Zac] or whatever it is

 

[sound bite of everyone yelling 'Sprite!' together plays]

 

[Zac] Damn it

 

[Amanda] Um, just, like, you know, petting the muzzle of Marigold and just kind of motioning Vasilisa [as Marge] Okay, it's okay! It's okay! You're gonna be alright!

 

[James] Meanwhile, Vrixx is in the donkey's mouth going [as Vrixx] You fucking piece of shit ass! I'm gonna kick your ass later! You better drink this!

 

[Amanda, as Marge, soothingly] Okay, it's okay...

 

[James, as Vrixx] I'm covered in your goddamn slobber

 

[Amanda, as Marge] You're gonna be alright

 

[James, as Vrixx] Oh, god! If you swallow me, I'm going to fuck up your colon!

 

[laughter]

 

[Amanda] Poor Marigold is looking at the- looking at me, and looking at Vrixx, and looking at- you know, looking at Marge, like 'what the hell is going on?!'

 

[James] Cool. Good job! Uh, it's Volan's turn. He goes [as Volan] Oyy- You stay right there! I'm gonna come over there and I'm going to beat you with your own bodies!

 

[Zac, as Bolka] So- so here? Just wait- wait here? Okay.

 

[Amanda and Elizabeth laugh]

 

[Zac, as Bolka] Is easy. Easy chore!

 

[James] Uh, okay. Uh, two more guards move 15 feet closer and then we have Bordegga, the ice troll. Ba-ba-ba-ba-bup. Yep, they move 60 feet closer

 

[Zac laughs]

 

[Elizabeth] Does he lumber forth and [in a deep voice] My name is Bordegga and I shall come kill you!

 

[David laughs]

 

[Elizabeth] Cause we never know the names of these guys, really

 

[Amanda] Yeah, right?

 

[James] Yeah, that's true. So, you hear the- do any of you speak Giant?

 

[Elizabeth] No

 

[James] Well, never mind!

 

[David] You hear 'Rah!'

 

[James] They- they scream something very loud

 

[Zac, as Bolka] But I do know big words. Is same, I think? I know many big words. Is same.

 

[laughter]

 

[Zac] Oh, the pity! I can feel the pity!

 

[Amanda, laughing] Terrible!

 

[James] They move 60 feet closer. Uh, so now they are at 80 feet

 

[Amanda] Yeah--really close

 

[James] Vasilisa

 

[Elizabeth] Alright

 

[James] You have a plus 6

 

[Elizabeth] I'm gonna roll and then don't tell me my result till I decide whether or not to use my Harrowed

 

[James] Okay

 

[Elizabeth] because a handle animal check

 

[James] -is charisma based

 

[Elizabeth] -is charisma based

 

[David] Ooh!

 

[Elizabeth] So, I might use my card for the day if need be, but let's see. [sound of a die roll] I am using my card for the day.

 

[James] Okay

 

[Elizabeth] I rolled a three. Let me do some math. [speaking quietly to herself] Plus three, plus six, plus two, is: fourteen!

 

[James] It's fourteen

 

[Zac, Amanda, and David laugh]

 

[Amanda] I'm glad we established that

 

[Zac] Is that-

 

[Amanda] Does- Does that pass?

 

[Zac] Did we win Path- Did we just win Pathfinder?

 

[laughter]

 

[Elizabeth] Three plus three plus six plus two...

 

[James] That's- that's not enough

 

[Elizabeth] Really?

 

[James] Really!

 

[David] Valdeen's just shaking his head, just like, 'oh gosh, what have I gotten myself into?'

 

[Elizabeth] God damn it

 

[laughter]

 

[Zac, as Bolka] Same, brother. Same.

 

[David laughs]

 

[James] How about this: Hatch- Hatch sees what's going on-

 

[Elizabeth] What if Hatch tries to assist, and if-

 

[James] Hatch is going to try and assist

 

[Elizabeth] -he rolls high enough to aid, then it works? [as Vasilisa] Help!

 

[Zac] Hatch has handle animal?

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] Anybody!

 

[James] Hatch got a natural 20

 

[Amanda] Woo!

 

[James] Hatch just like-

 

[Zac] Flies down her throat with the- with the bottle

 

[laughter]

 

[James] Fuck it: I love it! Hatch has this weird ability that lets him like morph his body and like squeeze in and out of places

 

[Zac] Right

 

[James] He just grabs it, like, he jumps up into Vasilisa's hand, grabs the potion, and Vasilisa, you like just instinctively like try and grab it and you grab his feet, and he makes himself super, super long and he flies into Marigold's mouth-

 

[Zac, laughing] Right past-

 

[James] -right past Vrixx, right past her ugula [sic] and dumps it in her tum tum and pops out and, covered in gross slime and probably a little bit of bile,-

 

[Amanda] Eww [laughs]

 

[Elizabeth laughs]

 

[James] -goes [as Hatch] You owe me one.

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] Thank you, The Keeper of the Donkey. You are the best house spirit, for sure.

 

[James] Okay, Marigold has drunken a potion. Don't get mad at me, listeners: it was funny [players all laugh, James continues] and it's my game. [more laughter] Okay! Guards two, nine, ten, and four move fifteen feet closer. Uh, Vrixx, uh, pops out of Marigold's mouth and go [as Vrixx] Thank fuck! Can we go now?! [describes] Uh, six five, one, and eight move closer. Valdeen

 

[David] So, I'm going to hold.

 

[James] Okay. Bolka. You guys have a slow wave of guardsmen moving towards you in various states of pajamas and armor.

 

[Zac, as Bolka] It's time to- to- to run away, I think. Uh, I bought these shoes from a drug dealer and I don't- I do not know what he laced them with, but I [laughter from Amanda, Elizabeth, and David; Zac continues as Bolka] -I've been tripping all day. Is- is not good.

 

[Elizabeth] Oh, god.

 

[Amanda] Ah, man.

 

[David] Wow.

 

[Amanda] So, you gonna start runnin'?

 

[Zac] Ah...No.

 

[David] You just say that?

 

[Zac] I'm gonna- I'm gonna [as Bolka] Is time to run! [describes] and then I'm just, I'm standing there--I want to be like the last one out; I want to make sure that everyone gets out safe before I go. So, I'm- yeah, saying, let's [as Bolka] Everyone, is time, it's time to go--let's go! [describes] and I'm just standing my ground.

 

[James] Marge

 

[Amanda, as Marge] Okay! Yeah, let's go! Let's go! [describes] And she will start running, uh, the way we came. Off to the left.

 

[James] Mhm

 

[Amanda] So, she doesn't want to move that far ahead of everybody. She's gonna just go 15 feet; that way she's out of the entrance and waiting for everybody else to come out as well. She wants to- she knows she needs to be close

 

[Elizabeth] Keeping us in sight

 

[Amanda] In case

 

[Elizabeth] Especially for when we disappear into the darkness, but-

 

[Amanda] Right

 

[Elizabeth] Gotcha. Cool.

 

[David] As soon as Marge moves, Valdeen will go ahead and move and just keep in step with her and just move the same distance she does.

 

[James] Okay

 

[David] Where are we gonna go if we run away successfully?

 

[Elizabeth] Into the forest and then we're supposed to lose them while they're trying to follow us, so that we can go back to the hidey hole with Kapa

 

[David] Okay

 

[Elizabeth] and our guard friend, Greg? Is he Greg?

 

[Zac] Gary

 

[Elizabeth] Gary! Sorry.

 

[David] Gary.

 

[Elizabeth] And Gary.

 

[David] Yeah, Gary.

 

[Zac, as Bolka] Greg was my friend.

 

[Elizabeth] -and then Gary's going to Whitethrone with us.

 

[James] Vasilisa

 

[Elizabeth] Vasilisa is like [as Vasilisa] Hatch!

 

[James, as Hatch] Yeah

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] Take Marigold! Run to safety!

 

[James, as Hatch] Alright

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] Keep her safe! We will follow. You know where we are going, right?

 

[James, as Hatch] Okay

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] Okay.

 

[James, as Hatch] Alright.

 

[Elizabeth] And then Vasilisa turns towards the troll, says [as Vasilisa] Have I told you I hate ice trolls? [describes] and then-

 

[James, as ice troll] Euuuuuh?

 

[Zac] You say this to the troll you just met?

 

[Amanda laughs]

 

[Elizabeth] Yes, she totally does.

 

[Zac] You guys just met

 

[Elizabeth] -Lifts her hand and says [as Vasilisa] Rasplavlennyy shar! [sound effect of molten metal; Elizabeth describes] and molten orb splashes out--kew!--hits the ice troll. I roll- it's a ranged attack, so

 

[James] Do it! Range attack me

 

[Elizabeth] I need a roll. A 16?

 

[James] You hit

 

[magical sound effect, ending in splash]

 

[Elizabeth] Alright, it deals 2d6 points of fire damage! [sound of dice rolling] That is gonna be four points of fire damage.

 

[Zac chuckles]

 

[James] Uh, and the troll burns really badly and takes double damage.

 

[Amanda] Woo!

 

[David] Ooo!

 

[Elizabeth] I do also need a reflex save from the troll because it's within five feet of itself-

 

[sound of die roll; James says] Natural 20!

 

[Elizabeth] Okay, fine.

 

[Amanda laughs]

 

[James] And Hatch goes [as Hatch] Hya! [sound of die roll; James describes] Gets enough! Marigold takes off

 

[Elizabeth, softly] Nice

 

[James] -Runs past all of you.

 

[Amanda] Woo! Yay!

 

[Elizabeth] Running?

 

[James] Runs.

 

[Elizabeth] Yes!

 

[James] You guys lose Marigold very quickly as she runs out of sight

 

[Elizabeth] Or-

 

[Zac] But Hatch's-

 

[Elizabeth] -save her because Hatch has her.

 

[Zac] We trust Hatch.

 

[Amanda] We do trust Hatch

 

[Zac] In Hatch we trust

 

[chuckles around the table]

 

[James] In Hatch we trust. Hatch and Marigold, the Good Girl, are gone; guards 2, 9, 10, and 4 move 15 feet closer. It is Vrixx's turn.

 

[Zac, sighs] Too many hit die

 

[James] So Vrixx goes up and tries to daze the troll and that fuckin' fails. He goes [as Vrixx] I don't understand. Why doesn't this shit work anymore? [describes] Six, five, one, eight, and three move closer. Ba-ba-ba-bum-ba-ba-bum! Bolka's turn!

 

[Zac, as Bolka] Is time to go! [describes] and Bolka is gonna move a double move and go three squares.

 

[James, in a deep voice] What a badass. [in his normal voice] Okay, perfect. Marge: you and Ghost.

 

[Amanda] You know, I- I really think she'd hold tight until everybody was-

 

[Elizabeth] So just hold?

 

[Amanda] Yeah. Yeah, she's- Yeah, I think that she's going to, uh, prepare an action: if the troll gets within range of her sword, she will attack at that point, but she's going to hold tight.

 

[James] Cool, cool, cool. Valdeen

 

[David] Valdeen's going to shoot the troll

 

[Amanda] Yes!

 

[David] because we are beating a retreat here, but I'm- we're not- we're not far enough away to be safe. It- it's next move it's getting close.

 

[Amanda] Mhm

 

[James] Yeah

 

[David] So, yeah, he- he has his gun out, looks down the barrel at the troll, and he's gonna fire [sound of gunshot] This is a 26 to hit?

 

[James] Yeah, that hits.

 

[Elizabeth laughs]

 

[David] Okay. It's only 10 damage, though.

​

[James] The troll gets shot and it's on fire. What a day! What a day!

 

[Zac] You ever just have one of those?

 

[James] And then it's Volan's turn and he goes [as Volan] No! You all get back here! Let me murder you! [describes] and then, uh, guard 11 and 10 get closer, along with Volan. And then we have the ice troll, who is screaming in pain and is on fire and is a troll and as such does not like fire. The troll will, indeed, stop, drop, and roll.

 

[Amanda] Alright!

 

[James] It'll spend its full round putting out the fire because that was bad for the troll

 

[Elizabeth] Saved itself from an extra 1d6 of fire damage, so

 

[James] Vasilisa, you're up again

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] I- oh, I seriously hate ice trolls! [describes] I am going to cast burning hands [sound of roaring fire begins]

 

[James] Alright

 

[Elizabeth] -upon the troll that is on the ground.

 

[James] Okay. Reflex save?

 

[Elizabeth] Yeah, reflex save for half damage.

 

[James] They pass.

 

[Elizabeth and Amanda] Aww

 

[Elizabeth] So, they're gonna take half damage, which means they take full damage because it's fire damage.

 

[James] Yep

 

[Elizabeth] Alright

 

[David] Sweet!

 

[Elizabeth] I get to roll 5d4 for the first time because I am level five [sound of dice clacking against each other]

 

[James] Ooh, spicy

 

[David] Ohh

 

[James] Spicy meat-fours

 

[Amanda] Nice! There's some fours, threes-

 

[David] Oh, wow!

 

[Zac] That was a good roll, holy cow

 

[David] Wow

 

[Elizabeth] 18 points of fire damage

 

[James] The troll is screaming in pain.

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] Have I told you I hate ice trolls?! [Elizabeth makes burning sound]

 

[Amanda] Are you gonna keep movin', too?

 

[Elizabeth] Fire!

 

[Zac] It's only a standard, right?

 

[Elizabeth] I'm in-

 

[David] Mhmm

 

[Elizabeth] I'm within range to continue burning hands and if I move even just five feet further away I can't. So, I think Vasilisa is going to say [as Vasilisa] Everyone, keep going! I shall hold up the rear because I could totally toast this creature to death!

 

[Zac] Her ass is gone-

 

[James] Yeah

 

[Zac] -so she's holding up the rear

 

[Amanda, David, and Elizabeth laugh]

 

[James] So, guards two, nine, ten, and four also move a little bit closer, and Vrixx is still there, and I think I'm just gonna hold Vrixx's turn until he gets some directions. Bolka: is your turn now.

 

[Zac] I am moving my full movement.

 

[James] moving 15 feet further away! Marge and Ghost

 

[Amanda] Uh, Marge is not going anywhere.

 

[James] Cool

 

[Amanda] She's- she's going to continue to have a prepared action to where if anything gets within reach of her sword, she's going to stand there and protect Vasilisa.

 

[James] Okay. Cool. Uh, Valdeen: your turn.

 

[David, as Valdeen] Why won't this damn troll just die? [describes] And I shoot it again

 

[James] Okay

 

[Amanda] Get him!

 

[David groans]

 

[James] One?

 

[David] It was- it was a natural 20 and then it rolled over to a two

 

[James] Ha!

 

[Amanda, gasps] Misfire?

 

[David] Yep

 

[Elizabeth] It's been a long time since we had a misfire.

 

[David] It's been a while- it's been awhile, yeah.

 

[Zac] The attack in the night in the cabin

 

[Elizabeth, singing] It's been a long time, since the last misfire

 

[David] Yeah, that is a- that is a misfire.

 

[James] Okay. Chick-a-pow! Ka-boo-ba-boom!

 

[David] Yeah, it's just too cold for my gun

 

[Amanda] In your face

 

[James makes explosion sounds]

 

[Amanda, as Marge] Run, Valdeen! Run!

 

[David] I will- I will go ahead and, um, and quick clear it

 

[James] Okay

 

[David] by using a grit point

 

[James] Cool

 

[David] and then move two squares toward Bolka

 

[James] Uh, it is Volan, the guard captain's turn, and he finally moves up to be in view on the map and you just hear him screaming [as Volan] In several minutes, I am going to gut you like fish!

 

[Amanda laughs]

 

[James] Guards 11 and 10 join Volan, uh, on the slowly-encroaching line of guardsmen.

 

[Amanda] There we go

 

[James] and then we get to Bordegga. Bordegga stands up, severely burned, and it roars at Vasilisa. [roaring sound effect]

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] Fuck you, too, troll

 

[James] It reaches back-

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] Oh, snap!

 

[James] -and it throws its axe at your face!

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] Oh, shit!

 

[David] Oh no!

 

[James] Yeah, it's not good!

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] Oh, no! [laughs nervously]

 

[James] It's not good.

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] Oy lo! Is quite bad, actually.

 

[David] At least Marge is right next to you

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] Dermo.

 

[James] Does a five hit you?

 

[David laughs]

 

[Elizabeth] Uh, what? What?

 

[James] The axe cements itself into the wall behind you. It digs in a full foot into the ice [Amanda laughs, James continues] as it just whizzes past you. Wasn't anywhere close, but you can see it and it's fucking terrifying

 

[Zac] The damage would have been bad

 

[David] Ohhhh

 

[James] It's bad damage, yeah

 

[Elizabeth] Yeah, flinches and then is like [as Vasilisa] Oh! Now you are an unarmed sizzling troll bastard! Ha!

 

[James] and you see it just like flicks its claws and they're like razors [sound of unsheathing blade]

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] Okay, you technically have arms, but you know what I meant, you asshole!

 

[Amanda laughs]

 

[Zac] So- so, while this conversation is going on, I'm gonna-

 

[James] Yeah. Yeah, go ahead, uh, actually, it's going to be Vasilisa's turn.

 

[Elizabeth] Oh

 

[James] What do you want to do?

 

[Zac laughs]

 

[Elizabeth] I trash talk like I just described-

 

[James] and that's your full turn and we go on-

 

[Amanda laughs]

 

[Elizabeth] -and I burning hands one more time [sound of burning effect]

 

[James] Oh, you burn- That's smart. That's a lot smarter than what my idea was.

 

[Elizabeth] So, I need a reflex save from this troll

 

[sound of die rolling]

 

[James] Natural 20.

 

[Amanda] Oh my gosh

 

[Elizabeth] Well, it takes half damage again.

 

[James] Okay.

 

[sound of dice rolling]

 

[Elizabeth] 10.

 

[James] Total?

 

[Elizabeth] It's not as bad as- It's not as good as-

 

[Zac] Which is half damage, which is normal damage, which is double damage

 

[Elizabeth] Yeah, yeah.

 

[Amanda chuckles, Zac laughs]

 

[Elizabeth] So, 10 fire damage.

 

[James] Troll falls over, sizzling

 

[Zac] Woo-hoo!

 

[James] and scorched.

 

[David] Alright!

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] How dare you throw your axe at me? [describes] and Vasilisa spits at him

 

[Zac chuckles]

 

[James] And it sizzles against the flame. Guards two, nine, ten, and four also reach the line. Um, guards six, five, one, eight, and three- [Zac laughs, James continues] move up 15 feet closer-

 

[Zac] This is ridiculous

 

[James] So, here's what's going to happen: you guys are going to outrun them. It's going to take you awhile. Tell me: How are you guys navigating the darkness?

 

[Elizabeth] I'm going to pull out my ioun torch and be like 'ah, torch!'

 

[Zac] I'm also going to have glowing light coming from my head, as well

 

[James] Okay, perfect

 

[Zac] I'm going to make my halo appear.

 

[Elizabeth] Before we get in the dark, though, like, while I'm still lit between torches and sizzling troll remains, Vasilisa is going to yell [as Vasilisa] If you follow me, I shall do to you what I just did to your stupid troll friend!

 

[David] Woah

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] I hate winter and I hate you, too! [describes] and then she's going to trudge away in her snowshoes. Power walk!

 

[David and Amanda laugh]

 

[James] Perfect. You guys outrun them

 

[David] Alright

 

[Zac] Wait, I-

 

[Elizabeth] Do we need to do, like-

 

[Zac] Do I really outrun them?

 

[Amanda] Marge is going to, um, tell Bolka to get on the back of-

 

[Elizabeth] Yeah because Bolka moves their speed, so... He's got a head start...

 

[James] That's true

 

[Amanda] So, I will ride ahead, catch up to Bolka, and [as Marge] Bolka! I have a, uh, potion of-

 

[Zac, as Bolka] I will this, whatever it is!

 

[Amanda, as Marge] -reduce person, and then just get on the back of Ghost-

 

[Zac] and I just take it.

 

[Amanda, as Marge] -and you can ride with me.

 

[James] You do that.

 

[Zac] And he drinks the potion.

 

[James] So, stuff's going to play out: you guys are faster than them. Do you want to just straight outrun them? Do you want to go for it-

 

[Elizabeth] We can't, and I will tell you why

 

[James] Yes, please do.

 

[Elizabeth] I will freeze to death.

 

[James] Fact.

 

[Elizabeth] But will they freeze to death first?

 

[James] Also fact.

 

[Zac laughs]

 

[Elizabeth] So...I mean, at some point, we're- we're going slowly enough for like listening and watching for lights in the distance to see-

 

[David] Yeah: pause, listen

 

[Elizabeth] -are they following us

 

[James] How often do you guys want to do that?

 

[Elizabeth] Every 10 minutes?

 

[James] Every 10 minutes, cool

 

[Elizabeth] When I need to roll a cold check? I don't know

 

[James] I love it. Cool. 10 minutes.

 

[David] Yeah, that's fine

 

[Amanda] So, we'll go the first 10 minutes and, even though Marge can go really fast, she's going to stay with Vasilisa and Valdeen, with Bolka on the back.

 

[Sounds of dice rolling]

 

[Amanda] and I will roll, too

 

[Elizabeth] So, my survival check passes to help me out, which gives me, what? A plus two?

 

[Amanda] Two?

 

[James] Plus two.

 

[Amanda] And you get your plus four for Marge.

 

[Elizabeth] It's 20 something.

 

[James] You're fine.

 

[David laughs]

 

[Zac] Okay

 

[Elizabeth] I- I lost the math bonuses somewhere in my head, but it's twenty-something

 

[James] That's fine. Okay, cool, so you guys move- Uh, yeah, Bolka, give me yours, too. What do you get?

 

[Zac] 21

 

[James] Okay. You're both fine. You guys stop after 10 minutes to listen and you can still hear a crowd of people off in the distance.

 

[David] Do we see their light at all from their torches?

 

[James] Yes; they're a ways away.

 

[David] Okay

 

[Amanda] We're going to keep moving, though. We don't need to stop

 

[David] So we're going to keep going. Yep.

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] At this point, it's dark; we need our light to be able to see. If we can just keep pressing forward as quickly as we can--try to get a little more distance--maybe we turn our lights out and see if they can- if they miss us.

 

[Zac] Yeah, we should get further away. We should get a lot closer, and then-

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] Okay

 

[Zac] -do a good wipe.

 

[Elizabeth] Here's the- here's the idea: those of us in snowshoes are now moving faster than Ghost-

 

[Amanda] Yes

 

[David] Why is Ghost slow again?

 

[Amanda] Because that potion's worn off

 

[Elizabeth] Featherstep runs out

 

[David] We have other potions of featherstep, though. I have another potion of that, so I could-

 

[Amanda] Okay. Well, that's up to you, if you want to-

 

[David] We could use that

 

[Amanda] Yeah

 

[David] You could totally- if you guys want to do that.

 

[Amanda] Okay. And then that would give us another 10 minutes of moving pretty quick- pretty quick

 

[Zac] Pretty fast

 

[Elizabeth] Yeah

 

[David] Yeah, let's do that.

 

[Amanda] Okay

 

[Elizabeth] Okay

 

[James] Cool

 

[Amanda] Put more space between us.

 

[Elizabeth] Let's do that.

 

[James] Okay, you guys-

 

[David] 10 more minutes

 

[James] -keep moving through the forest

 

[Amanda] For 10 minutes, yeah

 

[James] 10 minutes later, I need a cold check from Vasilisa and Bolka.

 

[Elizabeth] Okay.

 

[Sound of die rolling]

 

[Zac] Yeah! 27.

 

[Elizabeth] So, I got a 20 for my cold check.

 

[James] Yeah, you're fine.

 

[Elizabeth] Okay

 

[James] Give me perceptions

 

[Zac] Mmm

 

[Sounds of dice rolling]

 

[David] Ooof

 

[Zac] 17

 

[Elizabeth] 15

 

[David] 12 for Valdeen

 

[Amanda] 23 for Marge

 

[James] You guys don't see any sight of the guards following you. You don't hear, you don't see lights in the distance; it is a quiet night.

 

[David, as Valdeen] Sounds like we're in the clear. At least slow down, cover our tracks, now.

​

[Amanda, as Marge] Yeah. Well, that's a good idea.

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] Yes

 

[Zac] So, keep- keep moving-

 

[David, as Valdeen] Alright, let's keep moving, but let's cover our tracks and-

 

[Elizabeth] So, yeah- I think we keep moving [as Vasilisa] Those of us who are snowshoes-ing, who are faster than Ghost now, can cover tracks, and we can all kind of move Ghost speed.

 

[James] Are you guys gonna walk through the night, stopping to warm up as you need to?

 

[Amanda] I think we need to, yes.

 

[Elizabeth] Yeah. Like, get back as carefully and safely as we can

 

[Amanda] but we shouldn't stop

 

[Elizabeth] But warming up and not sleeping

 

[Amanda] Yeah

 

[James] Okay.

 

[Amanda] Yup yup

 

[James, sing-song] How many hours do we go until you get back to where you wanted to be?

 

[Amanda] Wasn't it 12?

 

[David] Very long day

 

[Amanda] Uhh- We're-

 

[James] I'm gonna roll and we're gonna see how many hours it takes you guys

 

[Amanda] Okay

 

[sound of die roll]

 

[James] Gonna be 16 hours [another die roll] Add another four for unfamiliar terrain and no light

 

[Amanda] Is there gonna be any crazy checks for us being so exhausted because we have not slept and it's been now 24 hours?

 

[Zac] So exhausted. So tired

 

[Amanda] Over 24 hours

 

[Zac] Like forced march rules?

 

[Elizabeth] Yeah...

 

[James] Okay, give me- give me time, now because now I am- I'll- I will come up with a very complicated way to solve all of this.

 

[Zac and Amanda laugh]

 

[Elizabeth] Well, I mean-

 

[James] That's what you guys really want-

 

[David] No, we don't! No, I don't! I don't want this!

 

[James] -I will do it. Take 10 minutes.

 

[Elizabeth] No- I mean, what- What's the new problem you see, James?

 

[James] Because you're right: forced march; you guys have been awake for a fucking long time

 

[Amanda] More than 24 hours

 

[Zac] We needed- we needed to rest, like-

 

[James] So, you guys went, you slept, and then you infiltrated, right?

 

[Zac and Amanda] No

 

[Elizabeth, at same time] Hell no

 

[Elizabeth] We didn't sleep before we went into the tower

 

[Zac] We just waited a little bit for everyone to go asleep

 

[James] Okay

 

[Elizabeth] We didn't like sleep outside the tower

 

[Zac] and then we- and then we waited-

 

[David] Yeah, we have not slept since the day before

 

[Amanda] We have not slept since dawn the day before

 

[James] Cool

 

[Elizabeth] Yeah

 

[James] Give me a minute, then, cause I'm gonna do a math table

 

[sound effect of clock ticking and scene shifting]

 

[James] Hello, everybody! It is me, James from the future present. Just a heads up: this next section uses a rule system that we have later deemed 'not good.' It wasn't until after the recording that we looked back on it and how it all played out and decided 'no, this isn't very realistic.' It ramps up the punishment for not sleeping very, very quickly, in a way that I don't think is representative of the way things actually are. So, just know, moving forward, we are going to be using a homebrew system that I am currently working on. And, as a quick content warning, this next section does deal with mental illness.

 

[Zac] You ready?

 

[James] Yep

 

[Zac] Let's do it.

 

[James] It wasn't as complicated as I thought, but that's because I need you guys to be crunchers.

 

[Zac] That's because Pathfinder is brilliantly designed.

 

[Elizabeth] Woo! Ha-ha

 

[Zac, sing-song] Paizo! P-p-p-paizo!

 

[Elizabeth] Thank you for the game!

 

[Zac] P-p-p-paizo! Paizo

 

[James] After some very well-put opinions and requests to make this as realistic as possible, it wasn't as complicated as I thought. [laughs] I was thinking it was going to be way more complicated than it is. Uh, and you guys get to roll more dice, now!

 

[Amanda] Woo!

 

[James] Yay!

 

[David] We like to roll dice

 

[Amanda] We love rollin' dice

 

[James] Every single hour of this is a forced march

 

[Amanda] yeah

 

[James] Congratulations.

 

[Amanda] Mmm

 

[David] Mhm

 

[James] After the first hour, which is just moving away, hour one passes: I need a fortitude save from everybody!

 

[dice rolling]

 

[Zac laughs and Amanda snorts]

 

[David] Sounds like we all rolled really well!

 

[Amanda laughs]

 

[Elizabeth] I failed! I got a 4.

 

[Amanda] Well, Ghost is fine, but Marge [laughs] got a 6.

 

[Zac] Bolka failed.

 

[David] Valdeen got a 10.

 

[James] Uh, DC was 12.

 

[David] Oh, okay.

 

[Zac] Hey, at least you're with company.

 

[David] Uh, it's fine.

 

[James] Okay, so everyone fails. You are all fatigued.

 

[Zac, laughing] God damn it

 

[James] Congratulations. Bwa-bwa-bwa-bwa-bwaaaa!

 

[Amanda] I'm gonna poke everyone

 

[David, as Valdeen] I don't feel too good

 

[James] Cool, so, uh, everybody: Make this easier on me and roll a d6 for yourself

 

[dice rolling]

 

[Amanda] Okay [laughs]

 

[Zac] 6

 

[James] Okay

 

[Zac] Is that damage?

 

[Amanda] Ahh-

 

[James] Non-lethal, yeah

 

[Amanda] I rolled a six also

 

[James] Cool. I am glad we're doing this because this does make it a lot more interesting.

 

[Zac] So, instead of burning off the wand...

 

[Amanda] I mean, it's only seven charges left, I may as well get rid of it now

 

[Elizabeth, scoffing] It might save our lives later!

 

[Amanda laughs]

 

[Zac] Uh, it could- it could save somebody's life down the road.

 

[Elizabeth] Yeah

 

[Amanda] Okay, what's Bolka gonna do?

 

[Zac] I can channel.

 

[David] Valdeen- Valdeen rolled a six, also.

 

[Elizabeth] Yeah, Bolka can channel.

 

[Amanda] Oh my gosh! Now we roll the max numbers we can roll. Of course!

 

[Elizabeth] I got a three for my damage.

 

[Amanda] So... Oh, that's right because you can channel and heal everybody at once, huh?

 

[Zac] Exactly.

 

[Elizabeth] Yeah.

 

[Amanda] Nice.

 

[Elizabeth] I mean, at this point, if we're fatigued and it's really cold, honestly, I might try to push another hour with channeling and things.

 

[Zac] I think we should go as far as we can.

 

[Amanda] I think so, too, yeah.

 

[Zac] Yeah.

 

[Elizabeth] -and then we can channel away any of the fatigue and cold damage-

 

[Amanda] I think you're right

 

[David] Yep

 

[Amanda] because we are trying to get as far away as possible.

 

[Elizabeth] -and be refreshed a little bit.

 

[Amanda] Well, let's go another hour, then. So, do we roll again for a forced march?

 

[Zac] Oh, we have to roll like six cold checks, though, don't we?

 

[Elizabeth] What we have to do pro- yeah- and, like, I- I just realized we're assuming we're succeeding our cold checks [Zac laughs as Elizabeth continues] well enough that we're not fatigued from cold

 

[Zac] Yeah

 

[Elizabeth] because if we're fatigued from cold

 

[Zac] then we become exhausted

 

[Elizabeth] then the fatigue- then we are already exhausted.

 

[James] Give me six consecutive cold checks.

 

[Elizabeth] We already succeeded our first one, so you need five more, right?

 

[James] Give me five consecutive cold checks.

 

[Zac] This is so crunchy, it's hurting my teeth

 

[Amanda laughs]

 

[David] Ah, yup

 

[Zac laughs]

 

[Elizabeth] Wait, actually we've done two cold checks, so you need four cold checks

 

[Zac] oh yeah, we did two: we did two already

 

[James] Give me four. Yeah. So, it's gonna- hold on, I have to look more stuff up

 

[sounds of dice rolling]

 

[Elizabeth] and the DC goes up each ten minutes, right?

 

[Zac laughs]

 

[James] Yep, I'm- I just-

 

[David] Gotta look more rules up and read them and...

 

[Elizabeth] Without any aid, I have a 21 on my cold check.

 

[James] So, it's a DC 17.

 

[Elizabeth] Okay, so I'm fine on my cold check.

 

[Amanda] Do you want me to aid you, Bolka?

 

[Zac] Uh, no, I do not because I failed

 

[Amanda] but you gotta take your cold damage though

 

[Zac] Oh wait, that's right

 

[James] You take five

 

[Zac] I am not hypothermic

 

[Amanda gasps] That's right! You've got DR!

 

[Zac] I've got resistance to cold fi- I got, uh-

 

[James] DR5/cold?

 

[Zac] -energy resistance five cold, yeah

 

[James] Cool

 

[Zac] So... and I don't take hypothermia unless you take the damage, so the only way I get hypothermia is if I get a six on the damage.

 

[James] Cool.

 

[Amanda] So, you're fine.

 

[James] Vasilisa?

 

[Elizabeth] I passed my fourth cold check with a 22.

 

[James] Okay. Fourth, you also passed?

 

[Elizabeth] I got a 22.

 

[James] DC 18.

 

[Zac] My fourth is 21.

 

[James] five?

 

[sounds of dice rolling]

 

[Elizabeth] I got a 24

 

[Amanda] Nat 20, nice!

 

[Zac] Fifth is a natural 20

 

[James] And six

 

[sounds of dice thudding]

 

[Zac, with a sharp inhale, says softly] Fourteen

 

[sound of a die landing]

 

[James] Five.

 

[Zac] Okay! I'm good.

 

[Elizabeth] I got a-

 

[Amanda] I'm gonna give you an aid

 

[Elizabeth] -sixteen. So, an aid would help, yeah, but I don't know if it would help enough. What's the DC on the sixth?

 

[Amanda] Nope. Didn't aid.

 

[Elizabeth] Okay

 

[Amanda] Sorry.

 

[Zac and Amanda laugh]

 

[Amanda] I rolled a one!

 

[Elizabeth] I fail on my final end of the hour...

 

[James] You take four

 

[Elizabeth] Okay. So, I'm actually exhausted at the end of this hour instead of fatigued.

 

[James] Yep. Yep, correct.

 

[Elizabeth] Okay. This is at the end of the first hour, so now my question is

 

[Zac chuckles]

 

[Amanda] We're traveling for 16 hours...

 

[Elizabeth] Is the DC high enough and are we far enough from the tower that after one hour we want to rest for an hour by a fire, or do we want to keep pushing?

 

[Zac] Right

 

[Elizabeth] Because if we keep pushing, that's okay; I'm just going to use a wand charge on myself.

 

[Zac] Just keep pushing.

 

[David] Yeah, use a wand.

 

[Amanda] Yeah, let's do- is- at least go another hour before we stop.

 

[James] So, cold check number seven, starting at DC 21.

 

[Zac] I got a 27.

 

[Elizabeth] I have a 26.

 

[Zac] Noice

 

[James] Okay. Next one, 20 minutes: DC 22.

 

[die thuds]

 

[Zac] 28.

 

[Elizabeth] 22.

 

[James] Hits it on the mark.

 

[Elizabeth] Okay. I'm okay.

 

[James] Third one, halfway through the hour.

 

[Amanda] Okay

 

[James] DC 23

 

[dice thud]

 

[Elizabeth] I only got a 20.

 

[James] Okay.

 

[Elizabeth] So, I failed this one

 

[James] You failed, and you take two points of cold damage.

 

[Elizabeth] So, now I am fatigued

 

[die rolls]

 

[Zac] 32

 

[Amanda] wow

 

[James] Okay.

 

[Amanda] Okay. so we can keep going

 

[James] DC 24 for the fourth, fifth: fifth check.

 

[Elizabeth] 20.

 

[James] fail

 

[Zac] and I got a natural one

 

[Amanda] Oof, you both fail

 

[James] Two more points; you're exhausted

 

[Elizabeth] Well, I'm gonna...

 

[Zac] but did you roll damage for me?

 

[die rolls]

 

[James] four

 

[Zac] okay

 

[Amanda] you're fine

 

[Zac] woo!

 

[Elizabeth] Okay, I'm gonna wand myself.

 

[Amanda] oooo, mama!

​

[James] Check five, DC 25 for the cold check

 

[Zac] DC 25... [die rolls]

 

[Elizabeth] That's a 26.

 

[James] You make it. Last check for the hour, DC 26.

 

[Zac] Bolka didn't...oh

 

[James] Bolka didn't pass?

 

[Zac] Bolka didn't pass.

 

[Amanda] Don't roll a six!

 

[James] Bolka takes five

 

[Amanda] Oh, phew. Okay

 

[James] I'm gonna switch out that die.

 

[laughter from the players]

 

[David] It doesn't roll higher than 5

 

[Zac] There's no 6 on it

 

[James] No 6 on it, yeah; there's just seven fives.

 

[Elizabeth] Um, I'm gonna fail this one with a 21.

 

[James] Okay

 

[Elizabeth] If it's hard

 

[James] Three points

 

[Zac] 26?

 

[James] 26 is it on the dot

 

[Zac] Cool

 

[die rolls]

 

[James] Okay

 

[Zac, as Bolka, sighs] Oh my god, this is so cold

 

[David, as Valdeen] And we're, all of us are, already fatigued

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa, groans] This snow...I hope Marigold's okay

 

[James] I need everybody to make two wisdom checks

 

[Elizabeth] Wisdom?

 

[David] What?

 

[Elizabeth] Holy balls. Okay...

 

[Amanda] Does Ghost need to roll as well?

 

[James] Yes

 

[Elizabeth] Like, consecutive wisdom?

 

[James] Yes, consecutive wisdom

 

[Elizabeth] oh my god

 

[dice rolling]

 

[Elizabeth] My first one's a nine. My second one is a 21 with a nat 20.

 

[James] Okay

 

[Amanda] Marge is an 18 and Ghost is a 12.

 

[James] Okay

 

[David] Valdeen is a 20, and a 16.

 

[more dice roll]

 

[Amanda exclaims, says] Marge is a 20 and Ghost is a 10. Wow, Ghost has not got a better will that- not doing as hot

 

[Zac] Bolka's were an 18 and a 15, in that order. A wisdom check?

 

[James] A wisdom check. Two wisdom checks.

 

[David] It's to see if we're all insane from being out in the woods this long trying to march back

 

[James] From being awake

 

[Zac] Ah!

 

[David and Amanda] Ohh

 

[James] Basically, for every wisdom check you fail, you take a point of sanity damage.

 

[Amanda, pained] Oh

 

[Elizabeth] Do we also need to do the march one, though?

 

[James] Yeah, you do! Thank you for reminding me.

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] It's as though I have never walked so far and so hard in my whole life; I am literally exhausted. I could not have failed that check harder.

 

[David] Okay

 

[Amanda, as Marge] Oh yeah, this is even worse than staying up all night with the kiddos when they were little.

 

[Zac laughs, David chuckles]

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] It's like helping someone with a colicky child, only also being trapped in the living nightmare that is never-ending winter forest.

 

[David lets out a long breath]

 

[dice roll]

 

[James] Bolka, what did you get?

 

[Zac] 15

 

[James] Okay. Marge?

 

[Amanda] got an 18 and Ghost got a, oh, um, 18 because Ghost is better than Marge

 

[James] Vasilisa?

 

[Elizabeth] Nat one

 

[Amanda] oh no

 

[Elizabeth] It's a- it's just a fail

 

[James] Five points of non-lethal damage, you are fatigued.

 

[Elizabeth] I am exhausted because I was already fatigued

 

[James] You are exhausted. Valdeen?

 

[David] 26.

 

[Zac, as Bolka] Vasilisa, you do not look so hot? I mean, that's-

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] I feel very cold, yes

 

[David, as Valdeen] None of us look very hot right now

 

[Amanda, as Marge] Oh, I think a fire might be a good idea now

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] I think maybe I do need to sit down. Perhaps even a little healing wouldn't be a bad idea.

 

[Zac, as Bolka] Oh, I know how to do that!

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] I can barely put one foot in front of another foot.

 

[David, as Valdeen] Yeah

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] I could spark if someone can start the fire with other things.

 

[Zac] I'm gonna radiate positive, just warm-loving energy [magical sound effect] and everyone standing near me gets nine points of healing.

 

[David] Alright!

 

[Zac] Knocks out my [unintelligible]

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] Oh, that's perfect! I feel revitalized; I can now help with setting that fire to warm up.

 

[James] Yep. So, you guys are gonna set a fire?

 

[David, as Valdeen] Feeling- Feeling much better

 

[James] for an hour?

 

[Elizabeth] Or, actually, we don't have to set a fire for an hour if he channeled. [as Vasilisa] I am so revitalized, I would- [interrupts herself to say, as player] oh, no, we need to reset those DC's.

 

[Amanda] Yes, exactly.

 

[Elizabeth] Nevermind.

 

[James] Well, you need to have one hour of complete rest to clear exhaustion back to fatigue.

 

[Elizabeth] I thought that if they healed all of the stuff that caused the stuff-

 

[Zac] that clears the fatigue

 

[Elizabeth] -or does that only get rid of the fatigue?

 

[James] That clears the fatigue.

 

[Zac] That's why you don't want to hit that second tier.

 

[David] Yup

 

[Elizabeth] Right. Okay. So: [as Vasilisa] Oh, I'm still super exhausted.

 

[David, as Valdeen] One hour of rest.

 

[Elizabeth, as Vasilisa] Let's sit here for an hour.

 

[Amanda] Yeah.

 

[James] and that does reset the DC for the cold check.

 

[Amanda] Mm

 

[James] I need you all to make me another wisdom save because you have now spent another hour.

 

[Zac] Awake. We're just awake!

 

[dice roll]

 

[Elizabeth] I got a nat one

 

[Amanda, as Marge] Oh...Vasilisa!

 

[Elizabeth] Do you want my bo- It's a two, if I get to add, but if it's... It's a save, so it's just a fail. Never mind. [chuckles]

 

[Dice rolling, Zac and Amanda laugh]

 

[David] What'd you get, Marge?

 

[Zac] You should tell us

 

[Amanda] Well, Marge got a 19, but Ghost got an eight. Ghost is gonna attack us because he- she's gonna go crazy. [David laughs]

 

[James] Bolka

 

[Zac] 22. I am so wise.

 

[James] Valdeen

 

[Elizabeth] Not as cra- as crazy me, yeah

 

[David] Uh, 11

 

[Elizabeth] My head canon is that meanwhile this whole time Vrixx is just curled up in a little cozy ball sleeping in like a saddle bag or something; he's just sleeping, cozy

 

[James] Vrixx has his house

 

[Elizabeth] He's literally in his house

 

[David] Oh, he's in his house

 

[Amanda] On the back of Ghost

 

[Elizabeth] Curled up on his bed...

 

[Zac] Wait, isn't the house in the bag of holding, though?

[David, at the same time] Well, the house is in the bag of holding

 

[Zac] There's no way

 

[James] He made his way in there

 

[Zac] There's no air in there

 

[Elizabeth laughs]

 

[David] Oh nice

 

[Elizabeth] Oh, that's true.

 

[Zac] Ain't no air in space

 

[Elizabeth] Vrixx died

 

[James] He has it open [players laugh, James continues] He has a straw going in, okay? Let me have this!

 

[Elizabeth] Alright, alright. Geez

 

[Zac] He drinks our milkshake

 

[James] Okay, Vasilisa, what did you get?

 

[David] Oh, boy

 

[James] You got a nat one, right?

 

[Elizabeth] Yeah, I- I rolled my second nat one in a row. What of it?

 

[Zac] You rule

 

[James] Just making sure. I'm not-

 

[Zac] You want to start somethin'?

 

[Elizabeth] Want to rub it in?

 

[James] Look at my chart! It doesn't make sense!

 

[Elizabeth and Amanda laugh]

 

[James] I need to drink more coffee for it to make sense again, okay?

 

[Zac] No, Toby; he's not okay.

 

[James] Hour passes. You guys put out the fire, you keep moving forward. Give me six consecutive cold checks [Zac laughs, James continues] starting at, uh, DC 15.

 

[die rolls]

 

[Elizabeth] I pass the first one, easy.

 

[Zac] Pass the first one.

 

[dice rolling]

 

[James] DC 17 for the second one

 

[Elizabeth] I got 24, so I'm fine

 

[James] Uh, sorry: DC 16 for the second one

 

[Elizabeth] I'm still fine

 

[Zac] I nat 20 the second one.

 

[James] Third one; DC 17.

 

[dice rolling]

 

[Elizabeth] I'm fine on the third one.

 

[Zac] I'm find on the third one.

 

[James] Fourth one; DC 18.

 

[dice roll]

 

[Elizabeth] 20.

 

[Zac] Bolka missed that one.

 

[James] Okay

 

[Zac] 16.

 

[James, rolling a die] Bolka would have taken five.

 

[Zac] Okay.

 

[Elizabeth] This is DC 19?

 

[James] Yeah, 19

 

[Elizabeth] I'm fine. I got like a 26.

 

[sound of die rolling]

 

[Zac] Got a 20.

 

[James] Alright. And number six.

 

[dice roll]

 

[Elizabeth] What's 8 plus 17? My brain is breaking

 

[James] 25

 

[Amanda] Oh, that's more than what you need

 

[Elizabeth] 25! I'm fine.

 

[Zac] 28.

 

[James] Okay. You guys are good.

 

[Elizabeth] Whew

 

[James] Uh, everybody make me a fortitude save.

 

[Amanda] Okay, here we go

 

[James] After hour three

 

[Elizabeth] Uh, I'm gonna use a snowflake because I'm real tired of being tired

 

[Zac] Aww

 

[snowflake sound effect]

 

[Elizabeth] So, I- Vasilisa's like [as Vasilisa] I have dealt with the cold for this hour. [describes] I'm gonna hold my little necklace and I'm gonna see if I can fortitude it up. [die rolls] So, 20.

 

[Amanda] Marge got a 19 and Ghost got a 22.

 

[David] Valdeen rolled a one.

 

[Amanda groans]

 

[die rolls]

 

[James] Valdeen takes two points of damage.

 

[David] Ow!

 

[Zac] Bolka got a 10.

 

[die rolls]

 

[James] Bolka takes two points of damage, non-lethal; you are both fatigued.

 

[Zac] Damn it

 

[James] I need a wisdom check from everybody.

 

[Zac] Oh, these hours.

 

[Amanda sighs, says softly] Okay.

 

[dice rolling]

 

[Zac] Bolka got a 23.

 

[James] Okay.

 

[Amanda] Marge got an 8 and Ghost got a 17.

 

[Elizabeth] I got an 8, too!

 

[Amanda] Hey!

 

[Elizabeth] Same as Marge.

 

[David] 18 for Valdeen.

 

[Zac] What we're attempting to do isn't really, like, smart.

 

[Amanda] No!

 

[Elizabeth] It's of necessity.

 

[Amanda and Zac] It is of necessity

 

[Zac] -yeah, exactly

 

[Amanda] -but it's not smart [laughs]

 

[Zac] Oh, we should have brought a tent.

 

[Elizabeth] Yes, we should have.

 

[Zac] This episode took an interesting turn...

 

[Elizabeth laughs]

 

[Amanda] Yeah

 

[Zac] I did not know that's what this is...

 

[David] I- uh, yeah- I'm...

 

[Elizabeth] I'm not mad at it, but also, woah

 

[Amanda] No

 

[James] It's very interesting.

 

[Amanda] It is.

 

[James] It wasn't what I was prepared for, but I'm glad we're doing it. So, we are going to be using the sanity rules as laid out in the Pathfinder rulebook Role-Playing Game Horror Adventures, published in 2016. Hi Paizo!

 

[Zac] Thank you Paizo!

 

[Amanda] Yay!

 

[James] I am going to need three different things from each of you: I am going to need your combined charisma, intelligence, and wisdom scores; I am going to need what the largest bonus from one of those scores is; and then I'm also going to need to know half of your total score, of the first one. So, uh, who wants to go first?

 

[Zac] I'm going to- I'm going to [unclear] you that on your own

 

[James] Vasilisa! Thanks, you're at the top of my list.

 

[Elizabeth] It's me!

​

[James] What is your score? Charisma, intelligence, and wisdom all combined.

 

[Elizabeth] 42.

 

[James] 42. Which means that that other number is a 21.

 

[Elizabeth] Mhm

 

[James] and what is your largest bonus?

 

[Elizabeth] Plus five, and it's INT

 

[James] Okay. Bolka. Score

 

[Zac] 48.

 

[James] Half of that is 24. And what is your biggest bonus?

 

[Zac] Plus five

 

[James] Valdeen

 

[David] 32

 

[Zac takes a sharp breath]

 

[James] and that is going to be [speaking with David] 16. [James continues] What is your largest bonus?

 

[David] Two

 

[James] Marge

 

[Amanda] Uh, Ghost is a 24.

 

[James] Marge

 

[Amanda] Oh. 35

 

[David chuckles]

 

[Amanda] Which is a 17 if you round down or 18 if you round up

 

[James] Yup. 17.

 

[Amanda] and 2 is my largest mod.

 

[James] Alright. Now, Ghost

 

[Amanda] 12. Or, sorry, 24. So, 12 is half. And then one is the largest mod.

 

[James] Great.

 

[Elizabeth laughs]

 

[Amanda] Ghost is a-

 

[David] I'll see you in Crazytown

 

[Amanda] -animal!

 

[Elizabeth] Ghost is just- she's a weasel

 

[Amanda] Right!

 

[Elizabeth] What can she do?

 

[Amanda, laughing] Exactly.

 

[David] Me and Marge are going to start seeing things, guys.

 

[Amanda] Yeah... Ghost is... hmm

 

[Zac] That sounds way-

 

[James] Where are we? [laughs] Where- I figured this out-

 

[Amanda] We're three hours in

 

[David] We're three hours

 

[James] We're three hour in? Okay

 

[David] So, how far is that?

 

[Elizabeth] Yeah, we're starting our fourth hour of travel

 

[James] Cool

 

[Elizabeth] But, we also rested for an hour

 

[Amanda] So, technically we're five hours- Well, we're four hours in after an hour of rest

 

[Elizabeth] Okay, here's what's happening-

 

[James] I have my numbers, now. We're good.

 

[Elizabeth] We traveled two hours. We rested one hour. We traveled one hour. It is now six a.m. We are starting our fourth hour of travel.

 

[James] Correct. I need six consecutive cold checks. Uh, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20...DC 21 cold check.

 

[die thuds]

 

[Zac] Made it with 30.

 

[Elizabeth] I had a 21. Does that?

 

[James] You make it. You barely make it.

 

[Elizabeth, softly] Oh, god

 

[Zac laughs]

 

[James] Alright, give me the check for 20 minutes in

 

[Elizabeth] I just can't do math!

 

[James] DC 22 cold check

 

[Dice rolling]

 

[Zac] Just met 22.

 

[Elizabeth] 25.

 

[James] Third check. Halfway there. DC 23.

 

[dice roll, Zac sighs and Amanda groans]

 

[Elizabeth] I do have my survival, and I rolled much better, so I have a 31.

 

[Amanda] Nice

 

[Zac] Bolka failed this time with a 15.

 

[die rolls]

 

[James] 5

 

[Zac] Okay. I love it.

 

[James] Fourth check, DC 24

 

[dice roll]

 

[Zac] 31

 

[Elizabeth] 25

 

[James] Okay, you both make it. Fifth check, 25.

 

[dice roll]

 

[Elizabeth] 31.

 

[Amanda] You're good?

 

[Zac] 19. Fail.

 

[Amanda groans]

 

[die rolls]

 

[James] One

 

[Amanda] Oh

 

[Zac] Okay

 

[James] and six, DC 26